Monday, March 4, 2013

Vatican promotes Silly Hat Contest

Pope Benedict's entries

Special to TPN — Vatican Secretary of State, Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, announced that the Convocation of Cardinals assembled to pick a new Pope will liven up the proceedings with a Silly-Hat Contest, which has not been conducted for 1200 years. Now-retired Pope Emeritus Benedict will lead the judging panel of six cardinals.

The winner will be a guest on a special presentation of Saturday Night Live, hosted by Father Guido Sarducci, who will also bless audience members for a small fee. “Waddaya think, I do-a this for-a fun? I gotta nun friend who get take-a-de-out pizza seven nights-a week. It ain’t-a cheap.” Sarducci’s brother, Father Angelo “Hit-Man” Sarducci will be in charge of crowd control.

First winner of the Silly Hat Contest, Pope Stephen VI, who reigned from 896 to 897, was famous for exhuming the corpse of his predecessor, Pope Formosus, and putting him on trial in the so-called "Cadaver Synod." Pope Formosus received honorable mention in that early contest.


Although Ralph Reed, former head of the Christian Coalition, was invited, he declined, saying that “we want to keep clear separation between church and state in America, unless I can find a good Christian fundamentalist to run for President. He’d be like a Pope, only he wouldn’t have to wear those damn hats.”
TPN cameraman on the scene


  1. If they would just elect to the papacy the recently retired Archbishop of Canterbury, they would solve many of their problems. Roman Catholic purists, however, would object that they would rather have a Roman Catholic. Then they would be able to continue their authoritarian rule, and continue to wear skirts and pester little boys.

  2. The Arch. B of C. is no good, what they need is his kid sister America's presiding Bishop. She is a dull preacher, but at least she can legally wear a skirt.
    The new Pope says he loves the poor and means to keep them that way by not allowing them to use condoms to prevent or facilities to abort unwanted children. With losa kids they stay poor and ignorant so he has many poor to love.