By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Eighty-seven-year-old Dummer Bergsteiger, a resident of La Sal, a tiny town in the mountains of southeast Utah, was surprised to find that “super bowl” referred to the football spectacular of that name: “I thought it meant that oversize toilet I saw in aisle 11 at The Home Depot. I been eyein’ that beauty ever since Gertrude dropped the hint about her up-and-comin’ birthday next week. It would frame her big butt just fine.”
It seems that Bergsteiger had only limited TV reception—Judge Judy on the hour and Sponge Bob on the half hour, with the exception of Sundays when the San Diego Curling League competition is broadcast continuously. Concerned that Bergsteiger might be too isolated from the world; parishioners at the Heilige Rolle Lutheran Church began a fund drive to buy a 40-foot antenna mast for him.
One effort to raise funds was nearly washed out by torrential rains: a paper-airplane distance contest. The winner, Fol Ding Lot, a second-year origami major at Moab Education Center, used waxed paper instead of copy paper to capture first-prize honors. The exchange student from Osaka, Japan credited his victory to experience: “I’m a fifth-generation origamist, so I guess I had a leg up on the competition.” After one month’s effort, the church community reached its goal of $400.
Asked if he was pleased with his enhanced TV reception, Bergsteiger replied, “Oh, it’s great. But I just don’t get that American Idol program. What’s with these people who can’t sing? And that Gretta van Susteren on Fox News--she looks like a manikin in Sears. I think I’ll stick with Sponge Bob and beach volleyball. That’s better than watching curling.”