Afghanistan War Logs: The Musical

Afghanistan War Logs: The Musical

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Andrew Lloyd Weber, whose smash hit, Phantom of the Opera, continues to set records on the world’s stages, has agreed to compose the musical score for The New York Times best-seller, Afghanistan War Logs. “The material is great,” said Weber. “Plus there is no shortage of talent in the Pentagon. There are any number of song-and-dance men among the senior staff who have expressed interest in auditioning.”

General David Petraeus, commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, was asked during an interview in Kabul whether he would audition. “Yes, I’m thinking seriously of taking on the lead role. I’ve always been great at anything I’ve attempted and would likely use my high school nickname, ‘Peaches,’ as my stage name.”

The Pentagon reported that General Petreus sings in the choir at Washington’s Church of the Fabricated Annunciation, which made headlines recently when parishioner Lady Gaga led a holy roll through the church’s Gethsemane Garden. A few pansies were crushed, but all the threatened lawsuits were subsequently dropped.

At his weekly briefing, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was elated: “I see this as a great opportunity to tell the story of the American fighting man from a new perspective. With a few catchy tunes, the plight of the soldiers and Marines in the trenches won’t seem so bad. You can get all the blood and mayhem you want playing video games. Let’s bring a little joy into the lives of the American people and leave the violence where it belongs—in some Third World cesspool.”

Outside the St. James Theater in New York City, where the musical American Idiot is now playing, theatergoer Betty Noire summed up the reaction of the crowd: “I mean, where is Afghanistan anyway? In Canada?”

Canada Places New Restrictions on Use of "eh?"

Canada Places New Restrictions on Use of "eh?"

By Bill Britton

Canada's Culture Minister Kevin Krueger today announced that Canadians will no longer be allowed to use the expression "eh?" with abandon: "I believe that this linguistic identifier places Canadians at a disadvantage in the English-speaking world, eh? Plus, Canadian expatriate comedians like Dan Aykroyd, Martin Short, and John Candy-he's now gone, thank God-have turned us all into a nation of bumpkins by glorifying its use, eh?"

Krueger is to establish guidelines that will go into effect in the New Year. The particulars depend on the outcome of a months-long debate in Parliament over whether such use should be limited to sixes or sevens. "Personally, I think it should be done in steps, beginning with the present 102 average uses per day and moving it down by two each month, eh? We'd have the problem cashed in three years, and wouldn't cost a loonie, eh?"

Québec premier, Jean Charest, suggested it would make more sense to say, "I have to go to ze loo, oui? zan, I have to go to ze loo, eh?" Krueger countered by saying, "Charest's got himself in a kerfluffle over this. Either that or he's had one mickey too many. He should stick to making poutine for his wife and three kids."

NYSE Podium Deserted at Close

NYSE Podium Deserted at Close

By Bill Britton

Confusion reigned on Wall Street when New York Stock Exchange (NYSE.com) CEO Duncan L. Niederauer could not be reached for comment after no one mounted the stock exchange podium to ring the closing bell on Wednesday. This tradition, complete with celebrity guests, has become a media event for companies that wish to highlight their successes in the marketplace.
After a delay of 20 minutes, custodian Emil Fosdick was seen being pushed onto the podium by armed security guards, screaming, "Why me? Why me?" Fosdick finally struck the bell with a toilet brush, much to the relief of floor traders, several of whom had smashed their Blackberries in frustration.

NYSE Vice President Joseph Mecane expressed dismay at the embarrassment: "I had Angelina Jolie lined up to join executives from General Motors on the podium, but their corporate jet was repossessed minutes before boarding the plane in Detroit. Then we asked the Revlon people to fill in, but they refused, seeing that Jolie had a contract with Shiseido Cosmetics."

Jim Cramer of CNBC's "Mad Money" said on his Thursday program that investors should not be alarmed. He also reiterated his earlier recommendation to buy Bear Stearns stock. When reminded that Bear Stearns suffered huge losses and was now a part of JP Morgan Chase, Cramer replied, "I never meant that Bear Stearns. I was referring to a toy company in China."

OMB's Orszag: Sacrifices Will Be Made

OMB's Orszag: Sacrifices Will Be Made

By Bill Britton

USA Today reported that the percentage of federal workers who make more than $100,000 increased from 14 percent to 19 percent during the first eighteen months of the recession. Peter Orszag, Director of the Office of Management and Budget (OMB), said, "We've all had to make sacrifices at the federal level during these difficult economic times. We originally had a target of 25 percent just to keep up with Wall Street, but Congress felt that 19 percent would better reflect the Administration's intention to get serious about government spending."

Chico Meatornillan, head caretaker at Vice President Joe Biden's residence, located on the grounds of the United States Naval Observatory, responded angrily to this reporter's question about his two assistant's salaries: "Sure my cousin José is OK at $119,000 a year, but his son José, or Hose-B as we like to call him-he's in charge of winding up the garden hoses-is only making $79,000. How can you live on that and still have fourteen kids?"

One government department that will see its share of $100,000-plus workers increase substantially is the National Weather Service. Director Dr. John L. Hayes said to this reporter that "My guys and gals deserve it. They've increased the accuracy of the agency's 3-day forecasts to 6 percent, up from a measly 5 percent during the Bush Administration. Now you can plan your weekend with the certainty that it will be sunny, or maybe not, depending on what El Niño, or La Niña, or whatever the heck's out there right now, is doing. Excuse me, but the duck paté served with tapanade, cornichons, herb Dijon mustard, and housemade chutney that I had at L'Auberge Provençale last night just kicked in my dyslexia. But what a deal at $129 for two!"

Cheney Signs on Water Dowser to Find WMD

Cheney Signs on Water Dowser to Find WMD

By Bill Britton

Former Vice President Dick Cheney outlined a new strategy to find former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's WMD programs, which Cheney says "will justify the ten-year war." Ernest Quilby, a farmer from Gnosall Heath (UK), and a world-renown dowser, will be airlifted to Baghdad where he will begin applying his skills. "Quilby represents the cutting edge of an approach devised by Junior Bush and me," Cheney said. "It might seem low-tech, but in Britain dowsers locate everything from lost wedding rings to ancient Roman walls."

A call to Quilby found him in the midst of his latest project, finding additional remains of Piltdown man, an alleged primitive hominid found in Sussex, England, in 1912. When told that this discovery proved to be a hoax, Quilby responded, "Oh no, not a hoax at all, lad. In that same quarry where Pilty was found, some local folk found the missing link between turtles and chickens, a queer thing with a feathered shell and thin legs, but in all other respects, a turtle."

When asked if he'd talked with Cheney, Quilby responded, "Dicky's quite a young lad. I believe he's going places. A get-up-and-goer, as we say around here." Asked if he was confident of finding WMD, Quilby said, "My dowsing rod rarely lets me down. After 55 years of dowsing, its accuracy is better than 97%. The secret is simply to follow it around like an old dog. The younger dowsers try too hard."

Quilby seemed unfazed by his new "project," as he calls it. "No raggie-head A-rab is clever enough to fool old Quilby. If it's buried, I'll find it, unless it's deeper than nine feet. That's me limit, but if there's a pint of bitters hidden in the sand, then there's no limit," he chuckled.

Good News for Vietnam-Era Veterans

Good News for Vietnam-Era Veterans

By Bill Britton

Special to INS - A Florida Vietnam-era veteran was surprised recently when he applied for Social Security. Solomon Dullhed found that he would receive a supplement to his regular award of $1,320 per month. "Wow, was I excited. After plugging in my time in service of four years, I was told that I would receive an additional $10 per month. It's great to know that the government is looking out for you."

When asked about his service in Vietnam, Dullhed replied, "Oh, I never went there. Never got shot at-nothing. But I guess the guys who did get a heck of a lot more than that." After being told that, no, the typical supplement was $10 per month, Bratton felt that Congress would soon remedy this disparity.

But one local Veterans Administration executive, who requested anonymity for fear of being waterboarded, said, "We constantly hear how much Congress cares about our military, but the truth is that Congress is only interested in maximizing bang for the buck. The care here [in our hospital] is excellent and the staff is outstanding-but we've recently been told to institute triage for wounded veterans."

When queried, Department of Defense spokesperson Ruth Lesson said that the new triage system is defined as (1) those who can walk and still have a trigger finger (with the option of reenlisting as a rifleman); (2) those who can't walk but still have a trigger finger (with the option of reenlisting as a tank gunner); and (3) those who can't walk and are missing their trigger fingers (with the option of reenlisting as a recruiter).