I.Q. of Intelligent Design’s Creator Pegged at 78
By Bill Britton
After a series of exhaustive tests, researchers at the U.S. Department of Education have found that the “higher being” responsible for Intelligent Design (ID) has an IQ of 78. This number falls within a range signifying “borderline deficiency in intelligence.” The release of the news sparked a number of protests around the country. John H. Calvert, Managing Director of the ID Network, claimed that the test was unfair: “How can a two-hour test be fair? It took God millions of years to design the human eye. How can He be expected to complete a 100-word quiz in two hours? I never said He was a Mensa candidate.”
Leading atheist Richard Dawkins disputed the findings. “I cannot attest to the validity of this, quote, ‘God,’ being the Big Banger himself, or herself, for that matter. I believe He should undergo rigorous scrutiny. For example, can He recite the Bible and Qur’an word-for-word? Where’s his laboratory? I think the whole thing’s a sham meant to equate His intelligence with the typical believer’s. Ask the folks stranded by volcanic ash if they think He’s so clever. Ask the people in Haiti, for that matter.”
Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that “it looks like God never had the benefit of the ‘No Child Left Behind’ program. Perhaps we can get Him some remedial help. First I’d have to check with Director Pete Orszag over at the Office of Management and Budget to see if we can come up with the necessary money. If not, we could always get a smaller White House Christmas tree this year and sign on a tutor funded with the savings.”
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Coleman Tent to Tailor Suits for Limbaugh
Coleman Tent to Tailor Suits for Limbaugh
By Bill Britton
The Coleman Company announced today that it has signed a contract with Rush Limbaugh to make the media personality’s garments. CEO Sam Solomon said that “Coleman is uniquely qualified to fabricate Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing. Our oversize equipment is designed to sew family-size tents. Why not clothing of similar dimensions? Our tent fabric can take any amount of abuse, from excessive perspiration to teeth-gnashing. We just need to test it to see if it can tolerate mouth foam.”
Recognizing Limbaugh’s special needs, Coleman is designing a suit with a pocket large enough to hold a 48-quart Coleman cooler. Stitched into the collar will be a back-up camera similar to those found in motor homes, which will allow him to maneuver in close quarters. Back-up warning beepers will be integrated as well, since his bulk makes this mandatory in most states.
“All of Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing will be sewn to the highest standards,” said Solomon, “and each item will be expandable by employing quick-release fabric looseners and through the extensive incorporation of NASA-grade elastics. Neckties large enough to accommodate Mr. Limbaugh’s 32-inch neck will be a challenge, but we expect to subcontract them to an area upholsterer.”
To offset the cost of the suits especially, Limbaugh is expected to sell advertizing space on his outer garments. Two companies in particular have shown interest and include Häagen-Dazs and Burger King. At a joint news conference, company representatives agreed that both have done for Limbaugh what they hope to do for America.
By Bill Britton
The Coleman Company announced today that it has signed a contract with Rush Limbaugh to make the media personality’s garments. CEO Sam Solomon said that “Coleman is uniquely qualified to fabricate Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing. Our oversize equipment is designed to sew family-size tents. Why not clothing of similar dimensions? Our tent fabric can take any amount of abuse, from excessive perspiration to teeth-gnashing. We just need to test it to see if it can tolerate mouth foam.”
Recognizing Limbaugh’s special needs, Coleman is designing a suit with a pocket large enough to hold a 48-quart Coleman cooler. Stitched into the collar will be a back-up camera similar to those found in motor homes, which will allow him to maneuver in close quarters. Back-up warning beepers will be integrated as well, since his bulk makes this mandatory in most states.
“All of Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing will be sewn to the highest standards,” said Solomon, “and each item will be expandable by employing quick-release fabric looseners and through the extensive incorporation of NASA-grade elastics. Neckties large enough to accommodate Mr. Limbaugh’s 32-inch neck will be a challenge, but we expect to subcontract them to an area upholsterer.”
To offset the cost of the suits especially, Limbaugh is expected to sell advertizing space on his outer garments. Two companies in particular have shown interest and include Häagen-Dazs and Burger King. At a joint news conference, company representatives agreed that both have done for Limbaugh what they hope to do for America.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Palin Given Top Spot at ASHOL
Palin Given Top Spot at ASHOL
By Bill Britton
Sarah Palin’s publicist, Rick Maver, announced today that Alaska’s former governor has been signed on as head of ASHOL (American Society of Hateful and Odious Loonies). Society headquarters are located in Clayton, Michigan, where a number of similar organizations are based, including Hutaree, whose members believe that the Antichrist is attempting to establish a "New World Order" and that all law enforcement officials are part of the conspiracy and must be killed.
Maver said that Palin “would be a great asset to ASHOL” and that she would “take on the commie Democrats and kick butt.” Earlier attempts to sign on Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) as chairperson failed because of her heavy schedule as Fox News’ unofficial Washington correspondent. Said Bachmann, “I have every confidence that Sarah will take charge of all the ASHOLs around the country and help flush liberal America down the toilet.”
Palin said that she will continue to work closely with the Tea Party movement: “There are a large number of Tea Party ASHOLs who would kinda’ like to see the two organizations merge. Together we can work to put the squeeze on the Democrats during the midterm elections and send them on down the tract, er, track.”
The ASHOL movement has a long history in the United States. Prominent ASHOLs include Republican National Committee chair Richard Steele, former history professor Newt Gingrich, and House Republican Leader John Boehner, who has fought long and hard to penetrate and destroy the liberal bloc. ASHOL t-shirts are available from SarahPAC for $17.76 plus S&H.
By Bill Britton
Sarah Palin’s publicist, Rick Maver, announced today that Alaska’s former governor has been signed on as head of ASHOL (American Society of Hateful and Odious Loonies). Society headquarters are located in Clayton, Michigan, where a number of similar organizations are based, including Hutaree, whose members believe that the Antichrist is attempting to establish a "New World Order" and that all law enforcement officials are part of the conspiracy and must be killed.
Maver said that Palin “would be a great asset to ASHOL” and that she would “take on the commie Democrats and kick butt.” Earlier attempts to sign on Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) as chairperson failed because of her heavy schedule as Fox News’ unofficial Washington correspondent. Said Bachmann, “I have every confidence that Sarah will take charge of all the ASHOLs around the country and help flush liberal America down the toilet.”
Palin said that she will continue to work closely with the Tea Party movement: “There are a large number of Tea Party ASHOLs who would kinda’ like to see the two organizations merge. Together we can work to put the squeeze on the Democrats during the midterm elections and send them on down the tract, er, track.”
The ASHOL movement has a long history in the United States. Prominent ASHOLs include Republican National Committee chair Richard Steele, former history professor Newt Gingrich, and House Republican Leader John Boehner, who has fought long and hard to penetrate and destroy the liberal bloc. ASHOL t-shirts are available from SarahPAC for $17.76 plus S&H.
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