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| Two Republicans competing |
Special to TPN—Republican National Chairman Reince Priebus has revealed that the party’s
presidential nominee will be determined by the winner of a Mixed Martial Arts
(MMA) tournament. “With dozens of party members having thrown their hats in the
ring, the committee felt that an actual ring would be the best place to settle
the nomination. In this way, we can avoid confusing the voters and, at the same
time, avoid talking about the issues.”
The
rules to be followed will be similar to those set by the MMA, although
back-biting will be allowed. The biggest departure from MMA rules will have
contestants fight until one gives up, has a heart attack, or breaks down
sobbing, whichever comes first. Top prize of $1 billion will be awarded by the
Koch brothers and deposited directly into the winner’s campaign war chest. The
early favorite is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
Tickets
will be available at the convention venue, the Quicken Loans Arena in
Cleveland, or from StubHub. Ringside seats for the earlier brackets will start
at $2,500, and for the final round are set at $50,000. Sky boxes will be
available at an undisclosed price. Quicken is offering special financing on
ticket purchases of $5,000 or more. An HBO package will be offered to
subscribers in December, 2016.
To
liven up each day’s competition, a prayer breakfast will be co-hosted by Rev. Pat
Robertson and popular fundamentalist pedophile Josh Duggar. The Republican
National Committee approached the surviving members of the Grateful Dead band
to see if they would perform “U.S. Blues,” thinking it was a patriotic song. Member
Bob Weir suggested they instead contact Bruce Springsteen to see if he would
perform “Born in the USA.”
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| Democratic cornhole competition |
Priebus
said that, if all goes well, he sees “no reason why the presidency itself
couldn’t be decided using a similar format.” Chairperson of the Democratic
National Committee, Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, agreed, but suggested that a
cornhole competition be held instead.
—Bill
Britton
