Concerning the Gaia Hypothesis

Concerning the Gaia Hypothesis (http://www.gaiatheory.org/):

Over the long term (billions of years), there is little that humanity can do to thwart the eventual consumption of Earth by an expanding Sun as it transitions to a red giant. Plus, the geologic record is clear regarding numerous periodic climate extremes that predate any human influence. In other words, the Gaia hypothesis (aka, the self-correcting myth) is doomed to discredit from the start. This is not to say that, in the interim, humanity cannot impact world climate in a positive, or negative, way, which in a sense gives limited credence to Gaia theory.

It is important to separate the concept of “climate” from that of “weather.” Weather is local and highly variable. Climate, at least in terms of the debate over climate change, is global and gradual. The extreme weather of the past few years might be due to the cumulative effect of climate change or it might be just the result of normal variation. According to climatologists, there is likely a tipping point (~450 ppm CO2) when runaway global warming will kick in, turning vast swaths of the middle latitudes to desert, or to swamp, depending on the model. In either case, much of coastal civilization would have to pack up and move due to sea rise. I believe we are moving inexorably toward that tipping point, and see no global consensus on how to avoid it, which is indicative of the human tendency to think short term. (Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.)

We (humanity) are fixated on economic growth. This fixation will doom us. Instead, we should be fixated on the one initiative that could save us: rein in population growth with a target world population of no more than several hundred million. Earth’s resources might be able to support that number over the next hundreds of millions of years. But this is a foolish hope: the alliance of greed, religion, and nationalism will work together to obscure the reality that Earth’s support structure is limited and finite. Even more foolish is the idea that the stars hold the key to avoiding humanity’s extinction through resettlement on a distant planet; but that is another story.

IMF Head Strauss-Kahn Engaged to Rikers Inmate

Sofitel Hotel Annex

IMF Head Strauss-Kahn Engaged to Rikers Inmate

By Bill Britton

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who heads the International Monetary Fund and, until a few days ago, was likely to be the Socialist Party candidate for president of France, has announced his engagement to Heebie Longfellow, an inmate at New York’s Rikers Island where the IMF Director has taken up residence. Strauss-Kahn is accused of sexually assaulting a housekeeper at the luxurious Sofitel Hotel in Manhattan.

The rushed engagement has taken everyone by surprise, especially his wife Anne, who said, “I never thought that Dominique might be AC-DC, although he does keep a buff photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger on his dresser, and he does prefer me to wear his tightie-whities around the house. My goddaughter, Tristane Banon, who says that he attacked her in 2002 like a ‘rutting chimpanzee,’ is unfair. He can hardly bend down to tie his shoes, much less dance around on his knuckles.”

The head of France’s Socialist Party, Jean-Marc Ayrault, could not understand why Strauss-Kahn was arrested: “In France, assaulting maids is a normal part of life. We depend on the resulting bastards to prop up the workforce. On Tuesdays, when Mélanie comes to spruce up my apartment, we play hide-and-seek, she in her apron and me in my Adidas track shoes.”

Of course not all members of the Socialist Party are happy with the fact that Strauss-Kahn’s hotel room cost $3,000 per night. Francois Peut, head of Paris’ trash collector’s union, complained, “You can get a great room in Paris for 500 to 600 Euros, with a different maid every day. Was this Longfellow wearing an apron? Mon dieu! I must rush off and buy Dominique an engagement gift. Do you think silk sheets would be in good taste?”

Trump Aide Arrested: Caught with Obama Birth Certificate

Balinskaya about to take dictation from dictator Gaddafi

Trump Aide Arrested: Caught with Obama Birth Certificate

By Bill Britton

Libyan President Muammar Gaddafi’s former nurse, Ukrainian-born Oksana Balinskaya and now Donald Trump’s personal assistant, was seized at Honolulu Airport after a high-speed chase through the city. In her possession was President Obama’s original birth certificate. “Der Donald promised it vould be a slam dunk. How vaz I to know Ukrainian money vaz no good for bribes? I just grab certificate and skedaddle. No time for umbrella drink.”

When reached in New York, Trump denied being behind the attempted theft: “Oksana took it upon herself to steal the supposed original—what dedication!—I’ve now asked the birth registrar in Honolulu to turn it over to my team for radio-carbon analysis to see if it is actually 50 years old. Then it’s off to dig up the attending obstetrician and nurses for additional evidence.”
Hawaii Governor Abercrombie said he was “under no obligation to turn over the original to a creepy mo’o [lizard] like Trump. He belongs in a hale moa [chicken house] with that hair. Just think how many eggs that nest could hold.”

Once Trump proves that the President is not a natural-born citizen, he plans to open an inquiry into the legitimacy of George Washington’s citizenship: “The man was born in 1732, before there was even a United States. I think it’s clear he should be impeached even though he’s been dead for 200 years. He was British, as far as I can tell.”

DAR President Merry Wright was apoplectic over Trump’s attack on Washington: “Mr. Trump should be keelhauled for denigrating the Father of our country. After all, he planted his seed in nothing but the best ladies during colonial times. Ah, if all those beds could only talk.”

Bill Britton Joins Tea Party on April 1st

Florida governor Rick Scott, Bill Britton's mentor

Bill Britton Joins Tea Party on April 1st

By Guillaume Breton

After months of soul-searching, Bill Britton, a very cranky gentleman from Florida, who coincidentally writes for a scatological online publication, decided he’d had enough with the panty-waist members of the political left and will switch his allegiance to the Tea Party, or tea party, whichever is politically correct.

“I’ve come to realize that my political outlook is at least as weird as Rand Paul’s, as historically challenged as Michelle Bachman’s, as out-doorsie as Sarah Palin’s, as religiously fundamentalist as Mike Huckleberry’s, and I am as blinded by my own grandeur as Glenn Beck,” said Britton.

To illustrate his commitment to Tea Party ideals, Britton will cross into Alabama and purchase an assault rifle from the Alabama Militia, which believes in protecting Second Amendment rights by shooting unarmed wildlife. The militia’s president, Arlen “Gumball” Shlong, said his group has a long history of shooting raccoons. “Why my daddy’d git his share of ‘coons back in the 1940s. He’d sneak out at night in this white camouflaged outfit with only a torch to find his way. Them was the good old days.”

Britton plans to enter the primary race once he can garner the required number of petition signatures. “I believe that is a slam-dunk,” said Britton. “I’m relying on the natural ignorance of the electorate, plus I’ve got more wrinkles than Ronald Reagan had when he ran, which should seal the vote in Florida for a start. And unlike Governor Rick Scott, I’m not facing a possible indictment for Medicare fraud. I wonder if he’s got any of that fraud money left to support my candidacy. After all, we’re now cut from the same cloth.”

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein

Gingrich asking Clinton to borrow Hillary for the night

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein

By Bill Britton

In a nationally televised news conference, potential Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich revealed that his I.Q. is 20 points higher than renowned physicist Albert Einstein. “The American people know that I am basically a modest individual, but I felt I owed it to my adoring public to no longer hide my intellectual brilliance under a mortarboard, so to speak,” said Gingrich who now wears his academic robes 24/7.

As verification of that brilliance, Bob Jones University has created a new academic award, summa cum bubba, which will be reserved for those whose intellectual capacity exceeds that of Einstein. Gingrich, who graduated from Tulane University, has enjoyed a steady stream of academic awards, beginning with the DuPont science award that he received at age 6 for discovering the reason why peanuts split into two sections: “Essentially, I concluded that it was God’s will, and another example of Intelligent Design.”

Gingrich said that he couldn’t wait to enter the televised debate season with the other Republican candidates: “My credentials are impeccable and include my capacity to womanize even ugly bitches. I’m just hoping the committee puts my podium in between Palin and Bachmann. I’ll destroy their concentration with my best come-hither glances. Plus I’ll point out that both graduated magna cum nada from Dimwit University.”

Concerning the potential male candidates, Gingrich was equally dismissive: “Pawlenty is Mr. Rogers in drag, Romney’s a Mormon—‘nuf said, and Huckleberry’s as big a nut case as Bachmann. By the time I’m finished with ‘em, they won’t know the difference between Lincoln and Washington, which in the case of Bachmann is a done deal.”

Next week, Gingrich is to make a guest appearance as a manatee in a National Geographic special on PBS.

Rep. King Begins Crusade Against Muslims

Rep. Peter King's favorite footware

Rep. King Begins Crusade Against Muslims

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Representative Peter King (R-NY) has begun hearings on the radicalization of the Muslim community in the U.S. His congressional committee has decided to extend its mandate to cover certain business groups in the U.S., including the 7-11 League of Unabashed Taliban (“7-11-LOUT”), the Muslim Alliance of Gas-Guzzling Osama Disciples (“MAGGOD”), and the Muslim Extremist Cooperative Council of America (“MECCA”).

Rep. King began his probe at the urging of Igor deSerpent, president of SWAMP (So Worried about Muslim Practices), a Tea-Party-staffed political action committee funded by the billionaire Koch brothers, whose coal-mining operation in West Virginia provided background for the recent documentary film, “Why the Appalachians Should Be Flattened.”

During an MSNBC interview, Chris Matthews asked King why Muslims were being targeted. He replied that “Muslims want to establish a caliphate in the U.S., which can be seen by the fact that President Obama has built a mosque in the basement of the White House. Plus, the carpet in the Oval Office bearing the Presidential Seal has been replaced by a prayer rug made by child labor, specifically, his daughters Malia and Sasha. And, his wife Michelle wears a burqa.”

When Matthews suggested that the burqa was in fact a scarf similar to those worn by many American women, King became enraged and began speaking in tongues, which caused the hundreds of Christian fundamentalists picketing MSNBC to collapse on the sidewalk in rapturous writhing. MSNBC President Phil Griffin reacted by saying, “One of them wasn’t Rush Limbaugh, was it? He’s been known to fall into a cataleptic fit whenever he hears names like Obama, Gore, or Pelosi.”

Rep. King plans to follow up the present inquiry with one that will focus on the question of why liberal elites wear Crocs sandals rather than Walmart flip-flops.