Charleston Park to Host Lecture Series

A flock of plastic flamingoes in the author's yard

Charleston Park to Host Lecture Series

By Bill Britton

North Port, FL — Charleston Park, a small gated community on Florida’s west coast, is planning to offer a series of lectures to its residents for the purpose of “raising community standards.” Taking a hint from the community newsletter, which lectures residents on a variety of issues each month, the sessions will hopefully obviate the need to repeat what some residents consider to be “scoldings.”

First on the agenda is the “carp problem.” Several residents have been seen casting nets under the cover of darkness and landing 4-pounders. To compound the dilemma, the offenders are using the carp to fertilize their shrubs. “It is an ecologically friendly way to green up the garden,” said Madden Scatolski. “The Seminoles used this method for centuries. The only problem is the cat invasion”

The ban against parking on Charleston Park’s roadways is consistently violated, especially by the Dominoes Pizza delivery vehicle. But the greater problem involves several RVs that block satellite reception and sunlight from reaching adjacent homes. “I’ve missed the last two episodes of Jersey Girls,” complained Sidney Voyeur, whose shrubs are wilting for lack of sunlight. “Maybe I need some of those dead carp.”

Lawn and shrubbery maintenance is another contentious issue. Residents are encouraged to mow at least every two weeks, even when the turf is dormant. Harry Grub has come up with an alternative to grass: “I just spray the entire yard with Roundup. This way the HOA Board can’t complain. Maybe I’ll roll on a few gallons of green deck paint to brighten up the dirt. That’ll make my plastic flamingoes really stand out.”

Government Chips Away at Privacy

Sam Lowry, the hero of Brazil

Government Chips Away at Privacy

By Bill Britton

The Department of Homeland Security has contracted with the Digital Angel company to have its ID chips implanted in all Americans and illegal aliens. At $12 per chip and injector, the cost will total $4.8 billion, unless the government is able to negotiate a quantity discount. Veterinarians, who have implanted Digital Angel’s chips in pets and livestock for years, will be licensed for human implants. These will be free to Medicare subscribers and to those with healthcare insurance. The 50-million uninsured will pay a fee of $50 to $100.

The chip will be rebranded the Lowry Tracker, in honor of Sam Lowry, the protagonist in Terry Gilliam’s dystopian film, Brazil. The Tracker emits a 125-kilohertz radio frequency signal that transmits its unique ID number to scanners that will be installed throughout the country and in most bedrooms. The ID number then accesses a computer database containing the person's file.

Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ) sponsored the funding bill, which eventually passed by a slim majority in both houses of Congress. “This program will allow the government to trace the whereabouts of everyone in the U.S.,” said Kyl. “Those with incomes above $1 million per year will be exempted because they are the most trustworthy members of society, especially my colleagues on Wall Street.”

The program has alarmed some Christian fundamentalists who claim that the chips are the biblical “Mark of the Beast.” Roberta Combs, president of the Christian Coalition, expressed her dismay at the program: “It’s just a way to get the devil under everyone’s skin. I can see it for whose families have only been here for a generation. But real Americans like me are offended by the idea. This, after we backed all those Right-Wingers and Tea Party candidates. Digital Angel? Pshaw!”

How to Form a Breadline

1930s Redux

How to Form a Breadline

By Bill Britton

The Florida House of Representatives has approved a bill that would establish the deepest and most far-reaching cuts in unemployment benefits in the nation. The measure would reduce the number of weeks the unemployed could collect benefits from the standard 26 weeks to 20. This has workers worried in Florida, where the unemployment rate, while continuing to inch down, is 11.5 percent, considerably higher than the nation’s rate of 8.9 percent.

The bill’s sponsor, Representative Doug Holder, a Sarasota Republican, said creating jobs is pivotal to keeping Floridians off the unemployment rolls: “Florida is positioning itself to be the most business-friendly state in the country. The best way to right a capsized economy is to provide more jobs.”

This year the tax on business owners jumped to $72.10 a year for each employee. How $72.10 is an excessive burden on business, and how putting more people out of their homes is good for the economy are two questions that are beyond me.