Murdoch / O’Reilly Nuptials Set

Murdoch / O’Reilly Nuptials Set

By Bill Britton

New York — following six months of rumor, media mogul Rupert Murdoch and Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly announced wedding plans during a joint news conference. “We’re a natural fit,” said Murdoch. “And for those of you who seem somewhat aghast at this, there have been stranger bedfellows. Look at Barney Frank and his, um, ‘spouse,’ Fannie Mae executive Herb Moses.”

This will be Murdoch’s fourth marriage. His current wife, Wendi Deng, a director for MySpace in China, was less sanguine: “If Rupert wants to switch from Szechuan dining to street hotdogs, that’s his business, as long as he makes good on our pre-nup agreement.”

O’Reilly said he was “. . . floating on cloud-nine. Ever since I began working at Fox, I could sense a chemistry between Murdy and me, something beyond the fact that we both drench ourselves with Old Spice Body Spray. And, just to prove the point that old dogs can learn new tricks, on our wedding night we plan to switch from the ‘Swagger’ fragrance to ‘After Hours.’”

In an admission that his coming out registered more than a hint of irony with his viewers, O’Reilly said, “Over the last few months, I’ve conducted a dialogue with my inner being and come to recognize the plight of the—quote—‘other’ in American society, the minorities that make this country great. I’d even go to the White House and break bread with that colored boy, our President, as long as he doesn’t serve collard greens and chittlins.”

In the rear of the conference room, Sean Hannity, O’Reilly’s rival at Fox News, was seen in tears. “I thought Bill-O only had eyes for me. But I knew we were through when he refused to share his cherry wine cooler last week. And to add insult to injury, Rosie O’Donnell wants her leathers back.”

All Nippon to Pinch Onboard Output

All Nippon to Pinch Onboard Output

By Bill Britton

Japanese carrier All Nippon Airways (ANA) is asking passengers to relieve themselves before boarding its aircraft to reduce weight and thus lower fuel consumption. “A typical human bladder holds up to a liter of liquid and weighs 2.2 pounds,” said CEO Mineo Yamamoto. “Since a Boeing 777 holds 247 people, this would mean a weight savings of 550 pounds per flight and thus reduce carbon emissions by 4.2 tons per month, system-wide.”

ANA is in the process of installing advanced relief stations made by ARS, Ltd. at each of its boarding stations. A urine gauge will indicate the total weight savings for each flight. Those passengers refusing to comply will pay a 5-percent ticket surcharge. To further encourage participation, compliant passengers will be given a free bag of Pee-Nuts®, ANA’s way of saying, “Thank you.”

Part of ANA’s campaign to publicize this “green” initiative will include free samples of WaterDump®, a diuretic used to increase urinary output. Because liquid refreshments will no longer be offered on ANA flights of fewer than 6 hours, flight attendants will distribute mouth swabs similar to those used in hospitals. “We are also considering giving passengers a box of Altoids to ease their thirst,” said ANA PR head Damion Martin. ANA’s bathrooms will also be smartcard-operated in future, with a flush charge of 50 cents per 100 milliliters.

President Halten Siewasser of PAUL (Protesters Against Urinary Limits) plans to organize a boycott of ANA and offered this observation: “The danger is that ANA’s initiative might spill over into other modes of transportation. I believe a congressional investigation is in order, starting with Halliburton’s recent purchase of the Porta-Potti company. Besides, who’s going to pee a liter? A sumo wrestler?”