Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Charleston Park to Host Lecture Series

A flock of plastic flamingoes in the author's yard


Charleston Park to Host Lecture Series

By Bill Britton

North Port, FL — Charleston Park, a small gated community on Florida’s west coast, is planning to offer a series of lectures to its residents for the purpose of “raising community standards.” Taking a hint from the community newsletter, which lectures residents on a variety of issues each month, the sessions will hopefully obviate the need to repeat what some residents consider to be “scoldings.”

First on the agenda is the “carp problem.” Several residents have been seen casting nets under the cover of darkness and landing 4-pounders. To compound the dilemma, the offenders are using the carp to fertilize their shrubs. “It is an ecologically friendly way to green up the garden,” said Madden Scatolski. “The Seminoles used this method for centuries. The only problem is the cat invasion”

The ban against parking on Charleston Park’s roadways is consistently violated, especially by the Dominoes Pizza delivery vehicle. But the greater problem involves several RVs that block satellite reception and sunlight from reaching adjacent homes. “I’ve missed the last two episodes of Jersey Girls,” complained Sidney Voyeur, whose shrubs are wilting for lack of sunlight. “Maybe I need some of those dead carp.”

Lawn and shrubbery maintenance is another contentious issue. Residents are encouraged to mow at least every two weeks, even when the turf is dormant. Harry Grub has come up with an alternative to grass: “I just spray the entire yard with Roundup. This way the HOA Board can’t complain. Maybe I’ll roll on a few gallons of green deck paint to brighten up the dirt. That’ll make my plastic flamingoes really stand out.”

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Government Chips Away at Privacy

Sam Lowry, the hero of Brazil

Government Chips Away at Privacy


By Bill Britton


The Department of Homeland Security has contracted with the Digital Angel company to have its ID chips implanted in all Americans and illegal aliens. At $12 per chip and injector, the cost will total $4.8 billion, unless the government is able to negotiate a quantity discount. Veterinarians, who have implanted Digital Angel’s chips in pets and livestock for years, will be licensed for human implants. These will be free to Medicare subscribers and to those with healthcare insurance. The 50-million uninsured will pay a fee of $50 to $100.


The chip will be rebranded the Lowry Tracker, in honor of Sam Lowry, the protagonist in Terry Gilliam’s dystopian film, Brazil. The Tracker emits a 125-kilohertz radio frequency signal that transmits its unique ID number to scanners that will be installed throughout the country and in most bedrooms. The ID number then accesses a computer database containing the person's file.


Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ) sponsored the funding bill, which eventually passed by a slim majority in both houses of Congress. “This program will allow the government to trace the whereabouts of everyone in the U.S.,” said Kyl. “Those with incomes above $1 million per year will be exempted because they are the most trustworthy members of society, especially my colleagues on Wall Street.”


The program has alarmed some Christian fundamentalists who claim that the chips are the biblical “Mark of the Beast.” Roberta Combs, president of the Christian Coalition, expressed her dismay at the program: “It’s just a way to get the devil under everyone’s skin. I can see it for whose families have only been here for a generation. But real Americans like me are offended by the idea. This, after we backed all those Right-Wingers and Tea Party candidates. Digital Angel? Pshaw!”

Friday, April 1, 2011

How to Form a Breadline

1930s Redux

How to Form a Breadline

By Bill Britton

The Florida House of Representatives has approved a bill that would establish the deepest and most far-reaching cuts in unemployment benefits in the nation. The measure would reduce the number of weeks the unemployed could collect benefits from the standard 26 weeks to 20. This has workers worried in Florida, where the unemployment rate, while continuing to inch down, is 11.5 percent, considerably higher than the nation’s rate of 8.9 percent.

The bill’s sponsor, Representative Doug Holder, a Sarasota Republican, said creating jobs is pivotal to keeping Floridians off the unemployment rolls: “Florida is positioning itself to be the most business-friendly state in the country. The best way to right a capsized economy is to provide more jobs.”

This year the tax on business owners jumped to $72.10 a year for each employee. How $72.10 is an excessive burden on business, and how putting more people out of their homes is good for the economy are two questions that are beyond me.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Running on Empty


Running on Empty

By Bill Britton

I am one of the 4 percent or so who are atheist. As such, I can look at those in public office with, I hope, a more objective eye than one who looks through the filter of religiosity. What I see, in general, are representatives and senators who wear their religion on their sleeves as if belief makes them more qualified to hold public office. I keep my atheism to myself, unless someone asks me about my church or my faith, in which case I answer, “Atheist,” and leave it at that, although I am amused by the various degrees of shock registered on the face of the questioner. I never proselytize, unlike certain fundamentalist types. I believe that religion, or its lack, is a private affair and should be so for members of Congress, who, in effect, proselytize with each faith-based declaration. This country’s founders ran from state religions; now it is running toward them. How sad.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Letter to a Libertarian Friend

The Wag Crew

Letter to a Libertarian Friend

By Bill Britton
Sorry I didn’t get back sooner, but I was busy working on a funding proposal for a company involved in financing “new energy” projects and the like—in other words, another aspect of the “liberal” agenda but with capitalist overtones. I will continue the rest of my remarks by sketching out a long-winded definition of my accused liberal persona (your label), which in another era might better be called, “moderate.”

Like you, I believe that government is too large. Most governmental departments have become bloated characterizations of themselves. As an example, we now have a Department of Homeland [a “Third Reich-ish” word] Security, a Defense Department, a CIA, an FBI, an NSC, etc., all of which have cross duties that are rarely coordinated.

In the Defense Department, we have both Naval and Marine fighter air wings, both of which do the same work. We have Army and Marine artillery batteries that do the same work. We have hanger after hanger on Air Force bases that replicate each other with the latest in high-tech test gear. We send all our troops into battle wearing socks made in China and with air cover provided by billion-dollar aircraft. Yet, we fail to properly care for the maimed or for veterans in general (or for their widows). In essence, we have a military designed to fight a now-defunct Soviet Union, despite claims to the contrary.

We’ve spent billions in Korea and fought to a stand-off, billions on an imaginary missile gap, billions in Vietnam and lost the war, covered ourselves with “glory” in Grenada, and have been spending billions on two wars in Iraq and one in Afghanistan with little prospect of “winning” either. Our other interventions are countless. Presidents and Congresses have played increasingly loose and fast with military lives lately because the enlisted ranks now come from the bottom rung of the socioeconomic ladder, not from the broad spectrum of American society. Yet, the Pentagon budget is untouchable by either political party, but especially by conservatives.

Of course, you could go through every government department, program, or agency and find duplication and waste, to say nothing of subsidies—three stand out: (1) billions for the oil industry to offset the “risk” of dry wells, which are rare with today’s geo technology, (2) billions for corn-based ethanol production, which will never make economic sense because of the energy costs associated with a 2-step process, and (3) billions for the coal industry. Curiously, the recipients of these examples of governmental largess tend to be conservative, small-government types and, in the case of the Koch brothers, libertarian and Tea Party supporters.

I suspect that Iraq will eventually revert to a polity it is most comfortable with: a quasi-military strong man and his cadre of sycophants, that is, if it does not fragment into three or more tribal fiefdoms that only vaguely resemble the definition of “nation.” The question is whether we finally have the wisdom to recognize that many of the so-called nations around the world were constructed according to the whims of imperialism, not by more rational designs based on ethnicity or commonality.

It is time for the Mideast to sort itself out, free from Western interference. The chips might fall hard here and there, but given an America that is falling apart structurally, socially, morally, and economically, it is time for America and its leaders to address our own people’s needs and not those of corrupt and thankless foreign regimes.

What to do about the two entitlement programs Medicare and Social Security? Both programs were instituted when the U.S. population was much younger and when medicine’s share of the household budget was much lower. Medicare is an end-of-life problem—that is, we as a people have lost touch with the fact that we do, indeed, die. We, and the medical profession, know no bounds when it comes to preserving life—quality of life rarely is part of the discussion. But somehow there must be a line drawn between the Hippocratic Oath and the reality of death. Otherwise, our ageing population will bankrupt the nation.

The Social Security dilemma was engineered by the very same folks who want to obliterate it: our representatives in Washington. The trillion-plus dollars in the SS “Trust Fund” have been ravaged over the years to pay for current expenses, which is, ironically, what home-equity loans have been used for by homeowners. I’m sure Washington will cobble together non-solutions to both problems. Meanwhile, the migration of politicos to K-Street will continue unabated.

The Easter Island metaphor is not without merit if you look at it as an example of what happens when a set of finite resources—in this example, wood and topsoil—are exploited in extremis by a population that exceeds the carrying capacity of its “world.” Our present population of some 7 billion will reach 9+ billion by 2050 or so, according to the U.N. Close to 1 billion suffer from hunger today. That number will likely double by 2050. The Green Revolution is over, and farm productivity is in decline, largely due to topsoil loss and the rising costs of the two basic soil supplements: nitrates and potash. Nitrates are derived mostly from natural gas, a finite resource; potash is mined, and once mined, it is not recoverable and is thus finite. Freshwater aquifers and surface waters are being depleted at an unsustainable rate. There are no technology “fixes” on the horizon that might mitigate this combination of dilemmas.

Free markets are fine in theory, but the two primary beneficiaries are your “monopolists and the oligarchs.” To claim otherwise is naive. The financial market has been taken over by money manipulators who add little value to the physical world in their machinations. Creative methods of finance are, I agree, essential tools for a healthy economy and for enhancing the common good, but when oversight breaks down—i.e., regulatory protections—the entire economic framework suffers; yet the whizzes at Goldman et al. continue on their merry way to becoming the New American Aristocracy.

But I’m afraid that free markets are a one-way street when it comes to our Chinese cousins who will continue to park their Yuan here as long as it benefits them. To the Chinese, free markets mean the ability to steal copyrights, patents, and intellectual property at their pleasure, while simultaneously deriding us if we place a penny tariff on a Chinese-subsidized import. It was the same with Xerox, for example, and the Japanese. Our government, in the name of free markets (and the result of a trumped-up anti-trust suit), forced Xerox to share vital technologies with the Japanese. Within four years, Xerox lost 80%+ of its copier business to the Japanese.

Most of the regulatory agencies in the U.S. are "captured" by the industries they regulate—that is, agency appointments are former industry leaders who are, in effect, in bed with their former employers. The end result is that regulations are compromised by the drive toward greater profitability on the part of vested interests. Nowhere is this truer than in the Department of Energy’s regulatory agencies. Human and environmental interests end up as secondary concerns. When it comes to offshore oil drilling (and now, nuclear power plants), there should be built-in redundancies that provide extreme levels of safety.

The debate over climate change has been going on, it seems, ad nauseum. But the debate should be about that most-critical of finite natural resources, fossil fuels. We have reached, or will shortly reach, “peak oil.” Yes, the industry continues to find new oilfields but they tend to be found in less-accessible, more-costly places. The U.S. has 300 to 500 years of coal reserves, the largest in the world, but again, the “easy” coal is almost gone, with the exception of West Virginia, which is being leveled as I write.

Natural gas is plentiful at the moment, but none of these fossil fuels are being replenished by natural processes, despite what some fundamentalists claim. (Of course, uranium is a natural resource, but the future of nuclear energy is sketchy, given the situation in Japan.) My point is this: The world must make the transition to non-fossil-fuel energy generation simply because the world will eventually run out of all carbon-based fuels. If in fact anthropomorphic-induced climate change is real, then both challenges—fossil-fuel resource depletion and climate change—will then have been addressed by this transition.

My worldview has been on a different arc from yours: I began life as an optimist, and, well, here I am today, a grumpy old guy, but with good friends and two dogs who cheer me with their smiles and tails (the dogs, that is) regularly.
Best,

"Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."

The damaged No 1, 3, and 4 reactors at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant, Japan.
Photograph: DigitalGlobe/AP

Regarding the nuclear disaster in Japan, the atomic genii is out of the bottle and all the test-ban treaties and all the reviews of nuclear plant integrity in the world will not put it back in. The terms "safety standards," "back-up systems," "redundancy," and "safe levels" mean little under the bright light of nuclear fission. Those words are merely oxymoronic, or more accurately, moronic.

Remember J. Robert Oppenheimer's words from the Bhagavad Gita, "Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Glenn Beck is Certified a “Looney”

Beck undergoing "scream" therapy


Glenn Beck is Certified a “Looney”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The American Psychiatric Association (APA) announced that it has created a new category of mental illness, “Looney,” to describe the unique mental state of Glenn Beck.

An abstract from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) states that “The Looney is typically characterized as being a combination of Messianic, Napoleonic, and Occult personalities with overtones of martyrdom and a tendency toward self-flagellation and self-pleasuring. . . . There is no known cure, although isolation and streaming videos of MSNBC’s Chris Matthews might ease the symptoms.”

APA President Carol A. Bernstein, MD, said that the inspiration for this new category came from association member Seekim Odbalim, MD, who has been observing media, sports, and entertainment figures for the past forty years: “I have had no problem classifying a Lady Gaga, a John McEnroe, or even a Rush Limbaugh, but Beck did not fit into a neat slot like these examples of nut cases. Put simply, Glenn Beck occupies a special place in the nut world because his symptoms overlap a wide range of clinical disorders, and thus the name ‘Looney’.”

Fox News President Roger Ailes summed up his company’s reaction to the APA announcement: “Why do you think we hired him?”

Although pressure has been building to categorized Congresswoman Michele Bachmann as a Looney, Odbalim said, “We must maintain the distinction among certifiable Loonies, Idiots, and the Dim-Witted. After consulting with several colleagues, I felt that Bachmann belongs in the latter category. After all, she cannot remember her third-grade history, although I understand that she can now tell the difference between the Civil and Revolutionary Wars. That old saying, ‘The eyes are windows on the soul,’ certainly applies to her. If you’ll notice, there’s nothing in there.”

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Exclusive: Dozen Tea Party Members Fall from Sky

Bachmann during recent Fox News interview

Exclusive: Dozen Tea Party Members Fall from Sky

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Today on Fox News, the Nationwide Tea Party Coalition explained the reasons behind the sight of a dozen of its members falling from the sky near Roswell, New Mexico. Spokesman Christian Wright said, “It had nothing to do with an alien attack, although Roswell has suffered from them over the years. We believe it was a practice run for the Rapture that is about to take place during the End Times. I guess those poor souls just weren’t born again like me and my son Farr.”

Roswell Police Chief Selden Wronk disagreed with Wright and said that autopsies revealed that most of the deceased had only half a brain. “I believe this indicates the work of aliens,” said Wronk. “Their brains were sucked out by those little green men that run rampant around here.” In contrast, House leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that the new Tea Party members in Congress “always seemed to be a little light upstairs—just like me—not quite a full cup of tea, so to speak.”

Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-MN), a Tea Party activist and much admired by the Minnesota Militia, blamed the human “fallout” on a Democratic Party attempt to weaken the Tea Party movement. Sporting a brown shirt with lightning bolt monograms above each breast, Bachmann goose-stepped her way to the podium at a rally in Minneapolis and screeched, “The Founding Fathers knew about the dangers presented by Democrats like Thomas Madison and James Jefferson.”

When told that she had mixed up their names and that they were two of the Founding Fathers, Bachmann replied, “That’s not the way it is in the history book I’m writing. Just ask Sarah. By the way, can anyone recommend an ophthalmologist? My eyes seem to wander.”

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Dear Dr. Jones


This comment was written in response to a real doctor’s letter circulating on the Internet. It has appeared in various forms, but the gist of the letter has been verified by snopes.com. In the doctor’s words, “I contend that our nation's ‘health care crisis’ . . . is the result of a ‘crisis of culture’, a culture in which it is perfectly acceptable to spend money on luxuries and vices while refusing to take care of one's self or, heaven forbid, purchase health insurance [and] based in the irresponsible credo that ‘I can do whatever I want to because someone else will always take care of me’. Once you fix this ‘culture crisis’ that rewards irresponsibility and dependency, you'll be amazed at how quickly our nation's health care difficulties will disappear.”

MY RESPONSE:

Dear Dr. Jones:

During the past thirty years, I have had the pleasure of becoming a grandfather a dozen times. Samantha was the eighth and was a delight from the moment she uttered her first cry at the indignity of being exposed to the assessing eyes of her mom and dad and the delivery room doctors and staff. As responsible parents, my son and his wife acquired healthcare coverage to offset the costs of any medical needs that might arise for them and their two children.

At age 6, Samantha developed a malignant brain tumor (anaplastic astrocytoma). Her parents were aware that not all of Samantha’s needs would be covered by their policy, but they were not prepared for the shock of receiving bills totaling about $240,000 in unreimbursed expenses, this despite her being a patient at St. Jude Children’s Hospital for eight weeks where virtually all her expenses were paid in full.

Thirteen months later, Samantha died. Over this period, my son’s family income was cut to less than half, a result of a tanking economy (he is a carpenter) and the fact that my son spent so much time in repeated visits to doctors and hospitals for treatment of seizures and all those other semi-emergencies that accompany a terminal illness like brain cancer.

In their case, there was no “crisis of culture” that rewarded irresponsibility and dependency. Few dollars were spent by my son and daughter-in-law on luxuries and vices (save an occasional jug of cheap wine) while refusing to take care of their family. However, a crisis of culture does exist when a society fails to provide a safety net for family members struck down by a medical disaster, which, I’m sure you’d agree, is a fair definition of an affliction like anaplastic astrocytoma.

Yes, there are people in America who could be called irresponsible in anyone’s eyes. However, there are many more like my son who make yeoman efforts to preserve and protect their families. These include the tens of millions in the lower economic brackets who must make the choice between bread on the table and top-drawer healthcare coverage. Unfortunately, it all comes down to assigning top priority to the most immediate need.

Your letter implies that “irresponsibility” is the rule for those without healthcare coverage. I suggest it is society that is irresponsible for not providing a way to at least subsidize basic preventive care and to provide a safety net for those who are victims of chance and circumstances not of their own making. And as middle and lower incomes continue to stagnate (while wealth becomes further concentrated at the top), the disparity between those who can and cannot afford basic coverage will only grow.

Sincerely,

Bill Britton

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Walmart to Offer Funeral Home Services


Walmart to Offer Funeral Home Services

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Beginning next week, Walmart will offer funeral home services at 225 of its Supercenters. The Walmart slogan, “Save money. Live better,” will be altered at these locations to “Save money. Die stiffer.” Its motto “Always Low Prices” will be changed to “Eternally Low Prices.”

The locations of Walmart funeral outlets are scattered around the country, with concentrations in Florida and Arizona. Already, caravans of motor homes can be seen in Walmart parking lots to take advantage of Black-Light Specials featuring in-store packages starting at $500 for cremation at a municipal incinerator.

The Martha Stewart Infinity Series of services begins at $1,999 and ranges up to $14,999, depending on the options selected. These include facial reconstructions like YouthFace4You at $899, the Dolly Parton at $999, and the Private Presley at $1,999, among others. Clients can also be cryogenically preserved or have a life-size replica of themselves made at Madame Tussauds locations around the world, all at reduced prices.

Funeral sales desks will be found adjacent to the garden center area, where tie-in purchases of flowers and plants can be made. Viewing chapels will have a rotating altar with Christian, Jewish, and Buddhist themes. A Muslim theme might be added, depending on demand from the Mideast.

Scott Price, President and CEO, Walmart Asia, has negotiated with the Hongtai Casket Company of Nanjing, China to fabricate a line of jumbo caskets to accommodate its broad customer base. Price explained, “These will have ten lifting handles instead of the normal six, although it looks like ten will soon be the new normal in America. Of course they’ll be wider and have twin steel I-beams built into the bottom.”

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Utah Man Bowled Over by Reception

Utah Man Bowled Over by Reception

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Eighty-seven-year-old Dummer Bergsteiger, a resident of La Sal, a tiny town in the mountains of southeast Utah, was surprised to find that “super bowl” referred to the football spectacular of that name: “I thought it meant that oversize toilet I saw in aisle 11 at The Home Depot. I been eyein’ that beauty ever since Gertrude dropped the hint about her up-and-comin’ birthday next week. It would frame her big butt just fine.”

It seems that Bergsteiger had only limited TV reception—Judge Judy on the hour and Sponge Bob on the half hour, with the exception of Sundays when the San Diego Curling League competition is broadcast continuously. Concerned that Bergsteiger might be too isolated from the world; parishioners at the Heilige Rolle Lutheran Church began a fund drive to buy a 40-foot antenna mast for him.

One effort to raise funds was nearly washed out by torrential rains: a paper-airplane distance contest. The winner, Fol Ding Lot, a second-year origami major at Moab Education Center, used waxed paper instead of copy paper to capture first-prize honors. The exchange student from Osaka, Japan credited his victory to experience: “I’m a fifth-generation origamist, so I guess I had a leg up on the competition.” After one month’s effort, the church community reached its goal of $400.

Asked if he was pleased with his enhanced TV reception, Bergsteiger replied, “Oh, it’s great. But I just don’t get that American Idol program. What’s with these people who can’t sing? And that Gretta van Susteren on Fox News--she looks like a manikin in Sears. I think I’ll stick with Sponge Bob and beach volleyball. That’s better than watching curling.”

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Good luck, America

Good luck, America

By Bill Britton

As reported, Sarah Palin’s PAC had a number of candidates under crosshair images before the fall election. It is this type of irresponsible and inflammatory politicizing that can push some over the edge. Sure, it’s freedom of speech, but that rings hollow when seven people are gunned down. What cannot be denied is the link between inflammatory statements in general and the climate of anger that is running rampant in this country. Palin’s PAC website serves as a potent example.

Some claim that all segments of the political spectrum make inflammatory statements, but that is only partly true. The political Right has elevated it to an art form, which can be heard on talk radio and on Fox News daily. When travelling, I scan radio stations out of curiosity. The one major exception to inflammatory language is NPR, which can be left-leaning but there is no spewing of vitriol as is found on the Right. I don’t believe that anyone on the Left can hold a candle to the statements issued by a Palin, a Bachmann, or an Engle, which have been seen to spill over into their followers’ rally signs. And to equate Olbermann with Limbaugh, for example, is ridiculous. Olbermann can be both caustic and sarcastic, but Limbaugh is malicious to the core.

Some might read into this that I am in favor of censorship. But any “policing of words” should be undertaken by the politicos and their talking heads themselves by exercising self-restraint. There is nothing weak about a public discourse grounded in civility. But to use guns as a metaphor for political action can provide negative reinforcement to a troubled mind and is a total distortion of the Second Amendment.

I spent 4 years in the Marines. The assumption on the part of people I don’t know is that I am a Right-winger. Two examples: When I moved to Florida, a neighbor who saw the Marine decal on my car began sending me links to what were blatant, hateful lies about Democrats. Another time, while at the gun range, a fellow shooter looked at my Marine cap and said, “I bet you’d rather be shooting at a silhouette of Obama.” My responses were sharp, but given their assumptions, were justified.

I think about anger in America and try to explore its roots, and at the end of the day, it all comes down to personal economics—the alienation of the 17% who are unemployed or have given up looking. They provide the tinder for angry public discourse. The gap between the common good and the corporate conscience grows wider each day. In other words, corporate profits trump “what is good for America.” Many major U.S. corporations now have workforces dominated by foreigners. Whose interests do they serve? And as we have seen, Wall Street churns money for the benefit of the few and the despair of many.

A corporate oligarchy now rules America and has no interest in bettering the plight of the disappearing line worker or the small business owner. I suspect that the new Tea Party members in Congress will be gobbled up by the system and will have only a marginal impact on the juggernaut of special interests that, in actuality, run this country and, incidentally, are running it into the ground.

Government and business should be addressing a number of major issues in this country, e.g.: (1) infrastructure, e.g., roads and bridges, railroads, the electrical grid; (2) structural unemployment, i.e., retraining of the workforce to replace jobs that are never coming back; (3) basics in education (including much-diminished humanities curricula); (4) and admit that democracy isn’t for everyone and let foreign belligerents fight their own battles (and in tandem, reduce military expenditures substantially). I see only token progress, if at all, on any of these issues. Good luck, America.

Monday, January 3, 2011

China Running Out of Oxygen

China Running Out of Oxygen

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Premier Wen Jiabao of China, in a nationally televised address, called on his countrymen to consume less oxygen: “We are facing a critical point in the Peoples’ Revolution,” said Jiabao. “For us to continue on the shining path toward world domination, we must rein in the consumption of this vital resource. Our smelting plants have seen their efficiency decline by 15 percent because of a corresponding drop in atmospheric oxygen, which now stands at 18 percent, not the normal 21 percent.”

To restore atmospheric oxygen to its pre-revolutionary level, several major reforms will be put in place. Ordinary citizens will be allowed ten breaths per minute, instead of the normal fifteen. Exceptions will be made for athletes, speakers at political rallies, and those engaged in sexual activity. Cigarette consumption will be reduced to four packs per day per person, down from the normal six. Nicotine content in the popular brand, Zhong Nan Hai, will be doubled to calm frazzled nerves as a result of reduced puffing.

China’s EPA chief, Chou Em Doun, claims that the problem began during the Ming Dynasty, when the Great Wall was completed: “The wall much too high and brocks flesh air from Manchuria and Siberia. It should be air-rifted to Beijing and turned into theme park.” When the interviewer raised the possibility that China’s huge number of coal-burning power plants might be using up the oxygen, Doun replied, “You been on the pipe too much getting high. Here, have a Hai instead.”

In a related development, McKinsey, the global consulting firm, revealed that China’s move to install giant wind farms for “green” electricity is a ruse. They are in reality fan farms whose purpose is to pull down fresh air from the north.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Breton Sets Date for U.S. Revolution


Breton Sets Date for U.S. Revolution

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Anarchist Liam Breton of Tampa announced that he has settled on a date to foment rebellion in the lower 48 states. Alaska and Hawaii are not to be included because he only has 8,200 points in his frequent-flyer program. Breton’s inspiration for the rebellion came from his uncanny resemblance to Владимир Ленин (Vladimir Lenin).


In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, Breton said, “I figure April 3 would be good, because that’s the date that Lenin arrived at the Finland Station in Petrograd in 1917. If I take an Amtrak train from Tampa on April second, I’ll be in Penn Station by 7:32 in the evening on the third, just in time to catch an off-Broadway show. Stomp might be good—get me in the mood, you know. I’ve already lined up the Altones, a quartet from my community, Snobis Birdis Terra, to sing the Marseille when I step off the train.”


When pressed by Blitzer to reveal the purpose of the revolution, Breton pulled out a 300-page manifesto, along with his sub-prime mortgage, that he will have copied and laid at the doorways of Goldman Sachs, the stock exchanges, and other financial centers in New York. “If I’m lucky, one of those Wall Street thieves will trip over the damn pile.”


Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, at a hastily called news conference in Washington, said that she was aware of the Breton threat: “Breton’s been under surveillance ever since he refused to bend over during a cavity check at Tampa Airport last month, despite the fact that we’ve installed smiley-face tiles in the inspection area. Plus, the TSA gal offered to check his prostate while in there as part of a special offer I put in place recently.”

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

God Announces 2011 Angel Quota


Two angels from 2009 quota

God Announces 2011 Angel Quota

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Bryant Wright, President of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today that a committee of fellow pastors recently completed a conference call with God. Preliminary results from this confab indicate that God will require 52,000 new angels in 2011. The age limit of 5, imposed by Emperor Constantine in 335 C.E., will continue in force.

“God was calling for twice that number,” said Wright, “but we convinced Him that the lower figure would be sufficient.” When asked where the new angels would come from, Wright replied, “Half will come from sub-Sahara Africa. They get bleached once they pass through the Pearly Gates, so they can be any color.”

The pastors expressed some concern that Heaven might be getting overcrowded. God reassured them that this was impossible, since Heaven was flat and only ten miles square. The oldest angels are routinely pushed over the edge where they enjoy eternal peace in Oblivion, the last stop for believers.

Pressed as to whether there were angels assembled in Heaven from other parts of the universe, God admitted that one alien group was en route and was to arrive during Hanukkah on December 4, which upset several in the Baptist group. “Why couldn’t God delay their arrival until December 25th?” asked Rev. Jimmy Bob Haggler from Pascagoula, Mississippi. “The Jews get all the breaks and even get credit for the fact that Jesus was a rabbi.”

Apparently, the alien angels are from a planet circling Delta Clitori, some 11-million light years from Earth and 6-billion light years from Heaven. To keep them occupied, the children’s program and intergalactic favorite, Teletubbies©, runs continuously. Another group from Alpha Viagri is scheduled to arrive on Easter Sunday, much to the relief of the pastors.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves to China


Engineer Ingvold Aibinstuggen pin-testing his latest design

Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves to China

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Not unexpectedly, the Autsch Pin Company announced today that it will move its manufacturing operations to China. CEO Arvid Lindstrom cited a shrinking labor force in Bagville, Minnesota where the company is headquartered. “Young people just don’t seem turned on by pins like they were when I graduated college. They’d rather get a degree in fine arts and flip burgers in an urban cesspool like St. Cloud.”

Lindstrom continued, “Several years ago, an attempt was made to change our city’s name from Bagville to Pinville which was felt to be much more apropos ever since the Lebensmittelgeschäft Bag Company pulled up stakes and moved to Dubai. But then we found a 40-year supply of envelopes in the city hall basement with ‘Bagville’ printed on them, so the mayor decided to withdraw a proposed referendum.”

R&D will remain in Bagville, where Autsch product designers have begun work on an Ouch-Less Pin®, which features a blunt instead of pointed tip. When asked if this would defeat the pin’s purpose, design engineer Ingvold Aibinstuggen replied, “We still have a lot of work to do, but I feel confident that the future of this business lies in being ouch-less. Look what it did for Johnson & Johnson and their Band-Aides.”

Several years ago, the Science Channel came to Bagville to film a feature on pin-making for its program, “How It's Made.” However, program director Herb Ennui said that no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get the segment to run more than 45 seconds. “It seems that thin wire goes in one end of a machine, and a pin comes out the other,” said Ennui. “Maybe the ouch-less pin will give us something more to work with.”

Friday, November 5, 2010

Republicans Begin Search for New War


Republicans Begin Search for New War

By Bill Britton

Buoyed by the Republican Party’s victories in the mid-term elections, likely House Speaker John (“Weepy”) Boehner (R-Ohio) pledged to find a new war for America: “Let’s face it,” said Boehner, “The American people became totally bored by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. We need to rouse them out of their lethargy.”

When reminded that those two wars were still ongoing, Boehner replied, “What happened to ‘Mission Accomplished’? I must be spending too much time on the golf course. I’ll have to have a TV screen installed in my tanning bed so I can catch up during cocktail hour. I’m a multitasker, you know.”

Although Iran seems an obvious choice, neocon Richard Perle, who did such a superb job fabricating an excuse to invade Iraq, has a short list that includes Iceland and Grenada. Perle justified both choices by saying, “Iceland has no standing army, so it would be easy pickings. And what an emotional lift it would be for the U.S. public to see our Marines once again storming the beaches of Grenada.”

A GAO report confirmed that both operations would add only $30 to $40 billion to the budget. These funds could be offset easily by cutting the food stamp budget. Tea Party senator-elect Rand Paul (KY) agreed: “Cutting the food stamp program makes sense. The beneficiaries of the program are too fat anyway. The overall health of the country would definitely improve.”

In a related story, Tea Party rising star Christine O’Donnell, who lost in the Delaware Senate race, is early favorite to be Sarah Palin’s choice as Secretary of State after Palin wins the presidency in 2012. Said Palin, “Chrissie is highly qualified. She just needs to sign up for a few political science courses at Delaware County Community College.”

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done

Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Excited by Republican/Tea Party wins in Tuesday’s midterm elections, televangelist Pat Robertson has decided to expand 700 Club membership by offering free tickets on the Rapture Express. The Rapture Express is similar in design to Noah’s Ark, but instead of animal stalls, the vessel is outfitted with luxury staterooms.
Guest host Terry Meeuwsen is in charge of the overall decorating scheme and has promised “a tasteful combination of scenes from Mel Gibson’s ‘The Passion of the Christ,’ which depicts the final hours of our Lord’s agony on the Cross.” The Rapture Express will incorporate a window in the bottom of the hull through which the saved can view those Left Behind.

Membership in the 700 Club starts at $250 per year. Upgrades on the Rapture Express include several penthouses being offered at the discounted price of $9,000. Checks should be made out to P. Robertson and addressed to Acct. 42-8996-37, CH-8098 Zurich (Switzerland).

Robertson talked to Jesus recently who assured him that his Second Coming was imminent: “But before I return, I must get the nasty business of the Tribulation out of the way, those seven years where anyone who chooses not to follow me before the Rapture will experience disaster, pain, and suffering, which will wipe out 75% of all life on the earth. Sort of like the Inquisition, but a hell of a lot worse.”

First responders to this offer include several prominent names in the Tea Party movement: Sarah Palin, Delaware’s Christine O'Donnell, South Carolina’s Jim DeMint, and Nevada’s Sharron Angle. Ms. O’Donnell is a recently reformed witch who has pledged that her “coven will be given over to the Lord, despite the fact that He screwed me out of the Senate seat in Delaware.”

Friday, September 3, 2010

Former BP CEO Receives New Brain


Former BP CEO Receives New Brain

By Bill Britton

BP's former CEO, Tony Hayward, received a new brain on Friday after the original was found to be functioning at only 20 percent of typical brain capacity. The new brain came from a donor described by Hayward's doctors as a "twenty-something manager of a McDonald's who suffered a heart attack while refilling a Fryolator."

Chief surgeon Ernest Cutter noted an immediate improvement in Hayward's cognitive abilities. He can now make change in denominations of up to ten dollars and is able to distinguish between a Quarter Pounder and a Big Mac. He is still unsure as to the difference between a Big Mac and a Big 'N Tasty, but that is expected to be resolved within the next week.

Hayward also has difficulty determining the difference between motor oil and the canola oil used to cook McDonald's French fries, which led to an altercation between him and the franchise's manager, Spuds Borey. The matter was complicated by the intervention of several customers who claimed that Hayward's new French fry recipe imparted "a more robust flavor" to this McDonald's staple.

Although a spokesperson for McDonald's would not comment on the nutritional value of motor oil, Josh Hoodliwink of the American Petroleum Institute said, "Most oil workers consume various petroleum products as a regular part of their diet. We encourage the residents of the Gulf Coast to do the same, instead of complaining about a few tar balls stuck to their toes. By the way, those tar balls make a terrific charcoal lighter for the family barbeque."

Hayward is expected to be retained by BP and is to lead a fact-finding panel, which will attempt to assign blame for the Gulf oil spill on a temporary worker from Guatemala.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Afghanistan War Logs: The Musical


Afghanistan War Logs: The Musical

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Andrew Lloyd Weber, whose smash hit, Phantom of the Opera, continues to set records on the world’s stages, has agreed to compose the musical score for The New York Times best-seller, Afghanistan War Logs. “The material is great,” said Weber. “Plus there is no shortage of talent in the Pentagon. There are any number of song-and-dance men among the senior staff who have expressed interest in auditioning.”

General David Petraeus, commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, was asked during an interview in Kabul whether he would audition. “Yes, I’m thinking seriously of taking on the lead role. I’ve always been great at anything I’ve attempted and would likely use my high school nickname, ‘Peaches,’ as my stage name.”

The Pentagon reported that General Petreus sings in the choir at Washington’s Church of the Fabricated Annunciation, which made headlines recently when parishioner Lady Gaga led a holy roll through the church’s Gethsemane Garden. A few pansies were crushed, but all the threatened lawsuits were subsequently dropped.

At his weekly briefing, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was elated: “I see this as a great opportunity to tell the story of the American fighting man from a new perspective. With a few catchy tunes, the plight of the soldiers and Marines in the trenches won’t seem so bad. You can get all the blood and mayhem you want playing video games. Let’s bring a little joy into the lives of the American people and leave the violence where it belongs—in some Third World cesspool.”

Outside the St. James Theater in New York City, where the musical American Idiot is now playing, theatergoer Betty Noire summed up the reaction of the crowd: “I mean, where is Afghanistan anyway? In Canada?”

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Canada Places New Restrictions on Use of "eh?"




Canada Places New Restrictions on Use of "eh?"

By Bill Britton

Canada's Culture Minister Kevin Krueger today announced that Canadians will no longer be allowed to use the expression "eh?" with abandon: "I believe that this linguistic identifier places Canadians at a disadvantage in the English-speaking world, eh? Plus, Canadian expatriate comedians like Dan Aykroyd, Martin Short, and John Candy-he's now gone, thank God-have turned us all into a nation of bumpkins by glorifying its use, eh?"

Krueger is to establish guidelines that will go into effect in the New Year. The particulars depend on the outcome of a months-long debate in Parliament over whether such use should be limited to sixes or sevens. "Personally, I think it should be done in steps, beginning with the present 102 average uses per day and moving it down by two each month, eh? We'd have the problem cashed in three years, and wouldn't cost a loonie, eh?"

Québec premier, Jean Charest, suggested it would make more sense to say, "I have to go to ze loo, oui? zan, I have to go to ze loo, eh?" Krueger countered by saying, "Charest's got himself in a kerfluffle over this. Either that or he's had one mickey too many. He should stick to making poutine for his wife and three kids."

NYSE Podium Deserted at Close


NYSE Podium Deserted at Close

By Bill Britton

Confusion reigned on Wall Street when New York Stock Exchange (NYSE.com) CEO Duncan L. Niederauer could not be reached for comment after no one mounted the stock exchange podium to ring the closing bell on Wednesday. This tradition, complete with celebrity guests, has become a media event for companies that wish to highlight their successes in the marketplace.
After a delay of 20 minutes, custodian Emil Fosdick was seen being pushed onto the podium by armed security guards, screaming, "Why me? Why me?" Fosdick finally struck the bell with a toilet brush, much to the relief of floor traders, several of whom had smashed their Blackberries in frustration.

NYSE Vice President Joseph Mecane expressed dismay at the embarrassment: "I had Angelina Jolie lined up to join executives from General Motors on the podium, but their corporate jet was repossessed minutes before boarding the plane in Detroit. Then we asked the Revlon people to fill in, but they refused, seeing that Jolie had a contract with Shiseido Cosmetics."

Jim Cramer of CNBC's "Mad Money" said on his Thursday program that investors should not be alarmed. He also reiterated his earlier recommendation to buy Bear Stearns stock. When reminded that Bear Stearns suffered huge losses and was now a part of JP Morgan Chase, Cramer replied, "I never meant that Bear Stearns. I was referring to a toy company in China."

OMB's Orszag: Sacrifices Will Be Made


OMB's Orszag: Sacrifices Will Be Made

By Bill Britton

USA Today reported that the percentage of federal workers who make more than $100,000 increased from 14 percent to 19 percent during the first eighteen months of the recession. Peter Orszag, Director of the Office of Management and Budget (OMB), said, "We've all had to make sacrifices at the federal level during these difficult economic times. We originally had a target of 25 percent just to keep up with Wall Street, but Congress felt that 19 percent would better reflect the Administration's intention to get serious about government spending."

Chico Meatornillan, head caretaker at Vice President Joe Biden's residence, located on the grounds of the United States Naval Observatory, responded angrily to this reporter's question about his two assistant's salaries: "Sure my cousin José is OK at $119,000 a year, but his son José, or Hose-B as we like to call him-he's in charge of winding up the garden hoses-is only making $79,000. How can you live on that and still have fourteen kids?"

One government department that will see its share of $100,000-plus workers increase substantially is the National Weather Service. Director Dr. John L. Hayes said to this reporter that "My guys and gals deserve it. They've increased the accuracy of the agency's 3-day forecasts to 6 percent, up from a measly 5 percent during the Bush Administration. Now you can plan your weekend with the certainty that it will be sunny, or maybe not, depending on what El Niño, or La Niña, or whatever the heck's out there right now, is doing. Excuse me, but the duck paté served with tapanade, cornichons, herb Dijon mustard, and housemade chutney that I had at L'Auberge Provençale last night just kicked in my dyslexia. But what a deal at $129 for two!"

Cheney Signs on Water Dowser to Find WMD


Cheney Signs on Water Dowser to Find WMD

By Bill Britton

Former Vice President Dick Cheney outlined a new strategy to find former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's WMD programs, which Cheney says "will justify the ten-year war." Ernest Quilby, a farmer from Gnosall Heath (UK), and a world-renown dowser, will be airlifted to Baghdad where he will begin applying his skills. "Quilby represents the cutting edge of an approach devised by Junior Bush and me," Cheney said. "It might seem low-tech, but in Britain dowsers locate everything from lost wedding rings to ancient Roman walls."

A call to Quilby found him in the midst of his latest project, finding additional remains of Piltdown man, an alleged primitive hominid found in Sussex, England, in 1912. When told that this discovery proved to be a hoax, Quilby responded, "Oh no, not a hoax at all, lad. In that same quarry where Pilty was found, some local folk found the missing link between turtles and chickens, a queer thing with a feathered shell and thin legs, but in all other respects, a turtle."

When asked if he'd talked with Cheney, Quilby responded, "Dicky's quite a young lad. I believe he's going places. A get-up-and-goer, as we say around here." Asked if he was confident of finding WMD, Quilby said, "My dowsing rod rarely lets me down. After 55 years of dowsing, its accuracy is better than 97%. The secret is simply to follow it around like an old dog. The younger dowsers try too hard."

Quilby seemed unfazed by his new "project," as he calls it. "No raggie-head A-rab is clever enough to fool old Quilby. If it's buried, I'll find it, unless it's deeper than nine feet. That's me limit, but if there's a pint of bitters hidden in the sand, then there's no limit," he chuckled.

Good News for Vietnam-Era Veterans


Good News for Vietnam-Era Veterans

By Bill Britton

Special to INS - A Florida Vietnam-era veteran was surprised recently when he applied for Social Security. Solomon Dullhed found that he would receive a supplement to his regular award of $1,320 per month. "Wow, was I excited. After plugging in my time in service of four years, I was told that I would receive an additional $10 per month. It's great to know that the government is looking out for you."

When asked about his service in Vietnam, Dullhed replied, "Oh, I never went there. Never got shot at-nothing. But I guess the guys who did get a heck of a lot more than that." After being told that, no, the typical supplement was $10 per month, Bratton felt that Congress would soon remedy this disparity.

But one local Veterans Administration executive, who requested anonymity for fear of being waterboarded, said, "We constantly hear how much Congress cares about our military, but the truth is that Congress is only interested in maximizing bang for the buck. The care here [in our hospital] is excellent and the staff is outstanding-but we've recently been told to institute triage for wounded veterans."

When queried, Department of Defense spokesperson Ruth Lesson said that the new triage system is defined as (1) those who can walk and still have a trigger finger (with the option of reenlisting as a rifleman); (2) those who can't walk but still have a trigger finger (with the option of reenlisting as a tank gunner); and (3) those who can't walk and are missing their trigger fingers (with the option of reenlisting as a recruiter).

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

U.S. Treasury to Issue “Two-Fers”

U.S. Treasury to Issue “Two-Fers”

By Bill Britton

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to bolster the economy, the Treasury Department authorized the nation’s banks to issue “two-fers.” Beginning Monday, all account withdrawals will in effect be doubled, or “double-downed,” as Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke preferred to describe the initiative. In an interview with NPR’s Cokie Roberts, the secretary said, “This program will double the purchasing power of all Americans, from impoverished A.I.G. executives to the illegal aliens who trim their hedges.”

When reminded that it could result in 100-percent inflation overnight, Bernanke replied, “Yes, that might be true. But just think: a $600 bottle of fine French wine would in reality only cost $300. And all that inventory piling up at Nieman’s and on Mercedes Benz dealer lots would be cleaned out. Plus I’d have to add a third shift at the printing office just to keep up with the demand for new banknotes. The impact on the unemployed will be tremendous. To supply the needed cotton for these bills, ragpicking could become a growth industry.”

This program is the latest in a string of proposals to cure the nation’s financial woes. “Look what the easy availability of money did for Germany during the Great Depression,” said Bernanke. “Granted, Germans were carting paper money home in wheelbarrows because of hyperinflation, but they beat the crap out of Europe in short order just a few years later.”

If successful, the two-fer approach might be extended to toxic assets held by the nation’s banks, assets that were purchased by the federal government for $1 trillion. “Why not offer these assets, essentially homes, at two for the price of one?” said Bernanke in his weekly press conference. “It’s better than having our highly regarded financial institutions go down the drain.”

Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State

New Flag



Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State

By Bill Britton

WASHINGTON, DC — In an interview with Larry King on CNN, White House Adviser Rahm Emanuel hinted that Afghanistan would become the fifty-first state soon after the country is democratized. “It will be a mutually beneficial relationship,” Emanuel said. “The people of Afghanistan are excited about their impending statehood.” Asked about how they felt about the U.S. war effort, Emanuel responded, “The Afghani people have enough sense to stay away from targeted areas. Besides, who wants to live next to a terrorist camp? That’s not particularly good for your long-term health.”

When King wondered what form of government the fifty-first state might take, Emanuel said, “I think we’d use the Louisiana model with parishes instead of counties, but they’d be called mosquettes so as not to offend the populace. I can see actor Johnny Depp finishing up his career as governor of our new state, a soft and cuddly version of bin Laden. Sort of looks like General MacArthur. And you know how the Japs came to love Doug. At least that’s the image we want to project.”

Emanuel continued, “We have to give these folks a whole new identity. President Obama had a great idea the other day by suggesting that Afghanistan be renamed Texistan. Kind of bring together the people of Afghanistan and the people of Texas through all they have in common—oil, submissive women, cocaine trafficking, highly religious closet drinkers—a great idea.”

Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke was less sanguine. “This could be the cost that breaks the bank. We’d have to replace the 240 thousand 50-star flags located on federal property. And, since they’re all made in China, that change would increase our trade deficit by five million dollars, unless we can get a better deal through Walmart.”

Murdoch Parties with Filthy at Oyster Bay Estate

Murdoch Parties with Filthy at Oyster Bay Estate

By Bill Britton

SPECIAL TO INS — On Thursday, more than 100 filthy people from Long Island were treated to a luncheon hosted by Fox News CEO Rupert Murdoch. The festivities were held in a corner of Murdoch’s estate normally used by his dog, Hypocrite. In an effort to make the participants feel at home, newly discarded Frigidaire cartons were arranged tastefully on the pee-spot-marked turf. Baked chitlins à l’orange and turnips-sans-dirt served as the main course, along with heaps of day-old bread and tubs of Kool-Aid fortified with Sterno. The meal ended with a delightful sorbet made from recycled fish-market ice and jug wine.

Murdoch’s appearance after dessert was greeted by the assembled guests with much enthusiasm. “This is a great moment for compassionate conservatism,” exclaimed Sean Hannity, Fox News’ second in command of the Fake News Division and event MC. “You will no longer suffer under the Obama label of ‘the homeless.’ From this day forward, you will be known, at least in Oyster Bay, as simply ‘The Filthy.’ This afternoon, you will be herded to temporary quarters near a Long Island Expressway interchange.”

Seven cattle cars are being converted to house The Filthy. Former Secretary of HUD, Mel Martinez, assured the gathering that the cars are “sound and watertight.” His mother-in-law will have the honor of taking up residence in Space 1 on Car 1.

Hannity closed the celebration with a rousing salute to the filthy. “You are America’s true heartland. So let’s lift up our cups and give three cheers for our host, Rupert!” The festivities ended with Rev. Pat Robertson's stirring benediction, which compared The Filthy with the children of Israel, sort of.

Top Commander in Afghanistan Replaced by Sergeant

Top Commander in Afghanistan Replaced by Sergeant

By Bill Britton

General Stanley A. McChrystal, the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, was forced to step down from his post today. His replacement, Master Sergeant Goober Heap, will assume his duties immediately. McChrystal’s position became untenable after he gave the “bird” to Vice President Biden, U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan, Karl Eikenberry, and an unnamed minister in the French government. McChrystal’s conduct was exposed in an article that appeared in a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine.

“We cannot have a hired gun like McChrystal giving the bird to members of this Administration,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “The French, yes, and it’s OK to flip one when Senator Man Tan [Rep. John Boehner, R-OH] walks by. After all, Boehner, or Big Boner as we prefer to call him in the White House, does it to the President all the time. One of the President’s goals is to bring more civility to Washington.”

McChrystal was interviewed by this reporter at his retreat in Bladensburg, MD, where he was found cleaning a 155-mm howitzer. “Yeah, I picked up this baby in Kuwait. It’s a bit rusty, but I figure once it’s tidied up, I’ll test her out with a few dummy rounds. Has a range of 16,350 yards, you know—about from here to downtown D.C.”

Sergeant Heap was somewhat confused by his new appointment: “Who the [bleep’s] supposed to salute who? I’m up to my [bleepin’] ass in [bleepin’] majors and [bleepin’] colonels who earn ribbons sittin’ on their [bleepin’] butts playing with each other. Meanwhile, I’m on my fourth [bleepin’] tour in [bleepin’] turbanland with a new [bleepin’] baby at home that looks like the [bleepin’] Tasty Freeze man.”

Larry King, rumored to be still alive, will interview Sergeant Heap on his show this week.

Obesity: A Cure for Climate Change?

Obesity: A Cure for Climate Change?

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released the results of a study that sees worldwide obesity as key to reducing carbon emissions and halting climate change. Spokesman Offenscus Contradiscu said that “. . . the amount of carbon that the world population could capture by each adult putting on, say, 100 pounds is tremendous. Of that, 18 pounds is carbon. Multiply that by an adult population of 4 billion and, presto, 72-billion pounds, or 36-million tons, captured.”

Bernhard Snufsdenhendsenson, a reporter from Norway, pointed out that this would amount to only a tiny fraction of carbon emitted by motor vehicles, buildings, and industry each year. This resulted in a heated exchange between Snufsdenhendsenson and Contradiscu, which ended when Contradiscu sat his 350-pound bulk on Snufsdenhendsenson and screamed, “Magre er ikke bety!” (“Lean is not mean!”).

A flushed Contradiscu later suggested that the proposed weight gains might have to be ratcheted up and could be extended to children. Snufsdenhendsenson countered by saying, “The negative effects from this undertaking would be significant: Airline seat widths would have to be increased, reducing passenger capacity. Walmart would have to buy larger shopping baskets and establish a one-way policy for its aisles. And where would the additional Twinkies come from?”

Monsanto, whose genetically modified seed corn has a virtual monopoly on corn production, was elated. “This is a great opportunity,” said Monsanto’s CEO. “Our biggest customers, farmers who grow for Archer Daniels Midland [ADM], have our phones ringing off the hook, saying that soda bottlers like Coke and bakers like Entenmann’s are clamoring for more high-fructose corn syrup to satisfy demand. And look at the impact on manufacturers of diabetes drugs. Eli Lilly is up 8 percent on the IPCC recommendation.”