Showing posts with label Ted Cruz. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ted Cruz. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Presidential Candidate Cruz Says that Tax System Should Be “Voluntary”

By Bill Britton
Senator Cruz when not praying

Special to TPN — Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) followed up his announcement that he was running for President in 2016 with this statement given to Matt Lauer of the Today Show: “I believe the IRS should be eliminated and taxes made voluntary. It works great in the Fundamentalist Holy-Roller Baptist Church in Houston, where I pray for 12 hours each Sunday. We’d just have to pass a second plate for the Federal government. Either that, or we could just give 10 percent of the Sunday offerings to the Feds.”

When pressed concerning the likelihood that such a system would bankrupt the federal government, Cruz shouted, “That’s my plan! You got it! Without enough money coming in, I could do away with the EPA and FDA and all those other useless agencies. Whatever’s left I’ll turn over to the private sector. The Koch brothers will do a great job regulating the coal industry. By the way, let’s subsidize the installation of coal-fired furnaces in every American home. The damn Chinese have pulled ahead of in the area of carbon emissions.”

Cruz went on: “Of course, under my administration, church attendance would be made mandatory, which would ensure that both plates would be filled. It’s all part of my belief that ours is a Christian nation and that the flames of Hell will consume all non-believers and Nancy Pelosi.”

Cruz’s father, Rafael Cruz, is director of Purifying Fire International Ministry and has said his son is one who is anointed as “king” to take control of all sectors of society, an agenda commonly referred to as the “Seven Mountains” mandate, and “bring the spoils of war to the priests,” and thus guarantee a “great transfer of wealth” from the “wicked” to righteous gentile believers.


When Lauer reminded Senator Cruz that this “transfer” has already taken place, his response was that “You can never do enough for the 1 percent. After all, without them, we wouldn’t have the Kardashians.”

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Gov. Christie to Compete in NYC Marathon

Christie following a training session
By Bill Britton

Special to TPN — Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey will be competing in the New York City Marathon to be held on November 2, 2014. Contrary to rumor, all lanes will be open on the Verrazano Bridge section of the course, but the center lane will be reserved for Christie in order to accommodate his enormous girth.

Banned from the marathon will be residents of Fort Lee, New Jersey, a community that has been designated a terrorist cell by Christie’s security chief, Pistoffa Obesis. It was Fort Lee that was witness to record gridlock when a Christie staffer had approaches to the George Washington bridge closed after Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich failed to embrace either Christie or his reelection. “I tried,” said Sokolich, “but the best I could do was hug his right leg.”

The governor has begun a rigorous training routine centered at the state capitol, Trenton. The starting point for his morning run is a McDonald’s parking lot on Clinton Avenue, and the end point, a McDonald’s on Cass Street, one mile away. Christie’s initial time was clocked in at 1 hour, 23 minutes, but he has reduced this by a full 2 minutes over the past three months. By October, 2014, Christie plans to complete the circuit between the two restaurants in under 2 hours, not counting a 30-minute break at the Cass Street location, “to stoke the furnace,” in Christie’s words. “The marathon will be a piece of cake, or maybe two pieces.”

In related news, Teapublican darling, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, has continued his campaign to eliminate left turns on all roadways in the United States. “True Americans only turn right,” said Cruz. “just like it says in the Bible.”