Florida governor Rick Scott, Bill Britton's mentorBill Britton Joins Tea Party on April 1st
By Guillaume Breton
After months of soul-searching, Bill Britton, a very cranky gentleman from Florida, who coincidentally writes for a scatological online publication, decided he’d had enough with the panty-waist members of the political left and will switch his allegiance to the Tea Party, or tea party, whichever is politically correct.
“I’ve come to realize that my political outlook is at least as weird as Rand Paul’s, as historically challenged as Michelle Bachman’s, as out-doorsie as Sarah Palin’s, as religiously fundamentalist as Mike Huckleberry’s, and I am as blinded by my own grandeur as Glenn Beck,” said Britton.
To illustrate his commitment to Tea Party ideals, Britton will cross into Alabama and purchase an assault rifle from the Alabama Militia, which believes in protecting Second Amendment rights by shooting unarmed wildlife. The militia’s president, Arlen “Gumball” Shlong, said his group has a long history of shooting raccoons. “Why my daddy’d git his share of ‘coons back in the 1940s. He’d sneak out at night in this white camouflaged outfit with only a torch to find his way. Them was the good old days.”
Britton plans to enter the primary race once he can garner the required number of petition signatures. “I believe that is a slam-dunk,” said Britton. “I’m relying on the natural ignorance of the electorate, plus I’ve got more wrinkles than Ronald Reagan had when he ran, which should seal the vote in Florida for a start. And unlike Governor Rick Scott, I’m not facing a possible indictment for Medicare fraud. I wonder if he’s got any of that fraud money left to support my candidacy. After all, we’re now cut from the same cloth.”
After months of soul-searching, Bill Britton, a very cranky gentleman from Florida, who coincidentally writes for a scatological online publication, decided he’d had enough with the panty-waist members of the political left and will switch his allegiance to the Tea Party, or tea party, whichever is politically correct.
“I’ve come to realize that my political outlook is at least as weird as Rand Paul’s, as historically challenged as Michelle Bachman’s, as out-doorsie as Sarah Palin’s, as religiously fundamentalist as Mike Huckleberry’s, and I am as blinded by my own grandeur as Glenn Beck,” said Britton.
To illustrate his commitment to Tea Party ideals, Britton will cross into Alabama and purchase an assault rifle from the Alabama Militia, which believes in protecting Second Amendment rights by shooting unarmed wildlife. The militia’s president, Arlen “Gumball” Shlong, said his group has a long history of shooting raccoons. “Why my daddy’d git his share of ‘coons back in the 1940s. He’d sneak out at night in this white camouflaged outfit with only a torch to find his way. Them was the good old days.”
Britton plans to enter the primary race once he can garner the required number of petition signatures. “I believe that is a slam-dunk,” said Britton. “I’m relying on the natural ignorance of the electorate, plus I’ve got more wrinkles than Ronald Reagan had when he ran, which should seal the vote in Florida for a start. And unlike Governor Rick Scott, I’m not facing a possible indictment for Medicare fraud. I wonder if he’s got any of that fraud money left to support my candidacy. After all, we’re now cut from the same cloth.”
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