Congress to Recess until after 2016 Election

“Grand Bargain” Struck by Pelosi and Boehner

Ted Cruz in a recent campaign photo

 

Special to TPN — Following a meeting described as “amicable,” Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and John Boehner (R-OH) announced that Congress will adjourn until after the 2016 election cycle. Pelosi opened a joint news conference by saying, “We both felt that, since nothing was being accomplished anyhow, why not take a long vacation and get away from all those pesky lobbyists and Ted Cruz (R-Texas) at the same time?” Boehner chimed in with, “Nan’s got it right. We’re both going to a local tanning spa to iron out details for reconvening in 2016, after which I see almost a thousand days of uninterrupted golf.”

When asked about the prospect of a government shutdown, Boehner replied, “Not to worry. The government’s more or less on automatic pilot anyway. It’s simple. The I.R.S. collects the money and Susie—I think that’s her name—in accounts payable cuts the checks. She’s only been on the job for three months, but I think she can handle it.”

As far as the Senate is concerned, Pelosi said that its members latched onto the idea of adjourning enthusiastically: “Both Harry [Majority Leader Reid, D-NV] and Mitch [Minority Leader McConnell, R-KY] said they logged onto Travelocity as soon as they got the word. Only Mike Crapo [R-ID] voted ‘no.’ He was mad at Rand Paul [R-KY] for making fun of his name.”

Ted Cruz was absent for the vote. He was last seen at Nellie’s, a gay sports bar on Washington’s U Street, attempting to recruit troops for his Teddy Militia, whose motto, “Screw Obamacare,” is thought to resonate with the LGBT crowd. “We advocate the peaceful overthrow of the White House, plus a new paint job for the old building,” said LGBT spokesman/woman Pied Léger. “We believe that rose blush with fuchsia accents would be a better color combo.”