Texas to Auction off WWII Bazookas

By Bill Britton

Special to TP News — Republican Governor Rick Perry announced that 2,500 surplus World War II-era bazookas will be offered to the public in a special auction. These recoilless-rocket antitank weapons were used extensively against the Nazis during the war. Each bazooka will come with approximately 80 armor-piercing rounds.

Texas Secretary of State John Steen said that the auction will take place on the capitol steps in Austin. Asked if a permit would be required to purchase a bazooka, Steen said, “Hell no. As long as you’re white and own a pick-up truck, you’re good to go. Don’t want no illegals thinkin’ they’re Federales who can turn Texas into the thirty-second Mexican state.”

Noppen Doppelkinn, a captain in the 10th Waffen SS Panzer Division, and a spry 93-year old, recalls the terror of his tank being hit by a bazooka shell: “It scared the scheisse out of me. Mine corporal had a weak stomach and was seated right behind me. He surrendered immediately. Somesing about seeing a sister in the Bronx, although he was in the line of fire, so to speak, from mine gesass.” Doppelkinn emigrated to the U.S. in 1947, where he started the national food-store chain, Bratwurst-and-More.


In related news, Governor Perry announced that Texas will strengthen its gun laws by allowing residents to carry no more than six concealed firearms.

Vatican promotes Silly Hat Contest

Pope Benedict's entries

Special to TPN — Vatican Secretary of State, Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, announced that the Convocation of Cardinals assembled to pick a new Pope will liven up the proceedings with a Silly-Hat Contest, which has not been conducted for 1200 years. Now-retired Pope Emeritus Benedict will lead the judging panel of six cardinals.

The winner will be a guest on a special presentation of Saturday Night Live, hosted by Father Guido Sarducci, who will also bless audience members for a small fee. “Waddaya think, I do-a this for-a fun? I gotta nun friend who get take-a-de-out pizza seven nights-a week. It ain’t-a cheap.” Sarducci’s brother, Father Angelo “Hit-Man” Sarducci will be in charge of crowd control.

First winner of the Silly Hat Contest, Pope Stephen VI, who reigned from 896 to 897, was famous for exhuming the corpse of his predecessor, Pope Formosus, and putting him on trial in the so-called "Cadaver Synod." Pope Formosus received honorable mention in that early contest.

 

Although Ralph Reed, former head of the Christian Coalition, was invited, he declined, saying that “we want to keep clear separation between church and state in America, unless I can find a good Christian fundamentalist to run for President. He’d be like a Pope, only he wouldn’t have to wear those damn hats.”

TPN cameraman on the scene