Tainted Pen

Santorum Pledges “New Inquisition”

2012-02-29T06:47:00.003-05:00

Dunce cap being modeled by unhappy heretic

Santorum Pledges “New Inquisition”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Once he is elected, Teapublican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has promised to organize a “New Inquisition” to root out heretics in America. At a news conference yesterday, Santorum said, “I ran the concept before the five Supreme Court Justices who are friendly to the cause, and they were unanimous in their approval.” After the announcement, Justices Antonin Scalia and John Roberts were seen skipping through the Supreme Court building, giving high-fives to staff members.

Tribunals will be set up in each of the 89 federal district courts to deal with the rush of heresy cases expected in 2013. Members of the tribunals will be drawn from both Roman Catholic and Southern Baptist Convention churches. Fox News has already signed a contract granting it exclusive coverage.

“I’ve been working on a list of institutions that are suspected of heresy,” said Santorum to a huge crowd today at Penn State’s Beaver Stadium. “Of particular interest are those universities in the north, especially, that have been forcing students to study secular subjects like languages, history, math, and science. Why study a foreign language? English not good enough for them? The only history students need is the Old Testament. As for science, throw out evolution and bring on Intelligent Design and Creationism! Let’s give them a choice!”

Grounds for heresy are listed in an online brochure available at www.santorum/grand.inquisitor.net. These include watching MSNBC, intercourse for pleasure, reading The New York Times, eating dessert on Sunday, and associating with known liberals. The tribunals will determine appropriate punishments, which will range from water-boarding to listening to Christian rock music in an empty ship’s container.

In a related item, Guangzhou Funland Amusement Co., Ltd. in Guangdong, China, announced that it has received an order for 100,000 medieval dunce caps from an unidentified U.S. entity.

Republican Party Changes Name to Teapublican Party

2012-02-26T09:02:00.002-05:00

Been brewed too long . . .

Republican Party Changes Name to Teapublican Party

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — After weeks of rancorous internal debate, the Republican National Committee (RNC) passed a resolution renaming itself the Teapublican Party. Although the cost of the change is estimated at close to $53 million, Chairman Reince Priebus said the Teapublican caucus in Congress will pass a special resolution to fund the change through cuts in the National School Lunch Program.

Other names were considered by the RNC (now TNC), including Nopublican, but Teapublican was felt to be more unifying. As part of its constitution, the TNC has added this preamble, which must be memorized by all Teapublicans if they intend to acquire lobbying positions with a military supplier or oil company after leaving Congress:

“We, the Teapublicans of the United States, in Order to destroy all Unions, diminish Social Justice, procure Domestic Handguns, provide for an electrified Border Fence, corrupt the General Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Lobbying to ourselves and our Inferiors, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Teapublican Party of America.”

Priebus, of Greek descent, believes that U.S. salvation depends on its moving toward a Spartan society: “By having the most frightening military establishment in the world,” said Priebus, “we are well on the way toward that goal. However, Congress must pass what I call the ‘Parris Island Initiative,’ in which 3,000 Marine Corps-designed training facilities are set up around the country. Young men would spend their teen years getting ready for the next dozen wars we have planned. We were going to recruit Penn state coach Jerry Sandusky to oversee the program, but we didn’t want the boys turned into cannon fodder, so to speak, before they’re armed and dangerous.”

Heidi Fleiss, Famed Hollywood Madam, is working with the TNC to set up 3,000 satellite facilities near each of the soon-to-be-launched Spartan-inspired Στρατόπεδα Εκπαίδευσης [training camps].”

"Let them eat cake"

2012-02-08T08:56:00.001-05:00

"Let them eat cake"

A thought that sprang to mind recently is the Top 1% saying in unison, “Let them eat cake,” bread in its sweetened form. The only problem with that allusion is (to pirate the old Burger King ad), “Where’s the cake?” The “circus” is obvious: the unending election process itself, which is a juggling act involving an occasional fact tossed skyward with unfounded assertions.

As much as the public voices its disgust with the process, at the end of the day, when its members retreat to their polarized opinion caves, whether via Fox News or MSNBC, most gaze with rapt attention. The fact that bread, or cake, rises in price, like dough resting beneath a cloth, while the wherewithal to purchase it becomes more difficult, demands that the circus aspect step up its activity a notch. Thus the unending election process.

Lost, of course, is the concept of the “common good,” which for all sides sounds socialist, or worse, communist. In our earlier nation days, this was not so and was reified under the concept of the “general welfare.” Today, only the particular (the individual’s) welfare matters, “welfare” in this instance meaning personal possessions, comfort, and amusements.

I’ve been struck by the renewed interest shown over Charles Dickens and his great corpus of novels. Then I thought further about that interest and wondered how many Americans had even read the Cliff’s Notes versions. I’m sure the percentage of adult readers that have tackled even one is somewhere in the single digits. His works require a long attention span followed by reflection, two characteristics lacking in all of society’s segments. Our temperaments today require instant visual satisfaction while simultaneously chomping on a bowl of Fritos.

Again, lost in all of this is the common good. Our collective outlook is short-term and feeds, not on cake, but on the spectacle, the circus, which finds us a few millennia later a nation of declining Romans. Marching bands are too dull; now we must have Madonna grinding her way through her version of pornography lite.

Sawdust Approved as Food Supplement

2012-01-11T15:54:00.002-05:00

New high-fiber, high-protein sawdust cereal with fly maggots

Sawdust Approved as Food Supplement

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved sawdust as a food supplement. FDA administrator Constance Twiddle announced that the following varieties are suitable for human consumption: white pine, white birch, and white ash. Specifically excluded from the list are black walnut, black oak, and black locust. “The latter three varieties are too difficult to integrate into breakfast cereals and bread products,” said Twiddle, “although yellow pine and red oak might be approved pending further testing.”

Beyond the obvious uses in cereals (for example, shredded wheat) and whole-grain breads, sawdust will most likely be blended into other foods as well, including chopped beef, sausages, canned soups, and a variety of prepared foods. McDonald’s has already branded one new entrée in its fast-food lineup, the McWoody. Chicken McTwiggins is also being considered.

FDA approval came on the heels of the latest survey on obesity in the United States conducted by Surgeon General’s office, which found that 34% of adult Americans are obese. Spokesperson Prudence Gurth said that the addition of sawdust to the American diet “will reduce caloric uptake, while its scouring properties will reduce the need for tooth brushing.” Gurth’s statement had an immediate effect on toothcare-related stocks, with Colgate falling 28% by close on Tuesday.

In contrast, lumber giant Georgia-Pacific stock rose 22%. CEO Tim Berland saw this as a great opportunity to expand the company’s presence in Africa: “All those starving people could use a little sawdust in their diet. I’m working out a deal with the De Beers diamond folks to pay their miners in part with sawdust. It’s just the right thing to do and part of the West’s effort to ease the plight of Africans who still remain the so-called white man’s burden, as English poet Rudyard Kipling once wrote.”

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein's

2012-01-11T15:36:00.004-05:00

"Mine's this long, Mitt. Can you beat that?"

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein's

By Bill Britton

In a nationally televised news conference, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich revealed that his I.Q. is 20 points higher than renowned physicist Albert Einstein. “The American people know that I am basically a modest individual, but I felt I owed it to my adoring public to no longer hide my intellectual brilliance under a bushel, so to speak,” said Gingrich who now wears his academic robes 24/7.

As verification of that brilliance, Bob Jones University has created a new academic award, summa cum bubba, which will be reserved for those whose intellectual capacity exceeds that of Einstein. Gingrich, who graduated magna cum-a, cum-a, cum-a laude from Tulane University, has enjoyed a steady stream of academic awards, beginning with the DuPont science award that he received at age 6 for discovering the reason why peanuts split into two sections: “Essentially, I concluded that it was God’s will, and another example of Intelligent Design.”

Gingrich said he enjoys debating with the other Republican candidates: “My credentials are impeccable and include my capacity to womanize even ugly bitches. I’m just hoping the committee finally agrees to put my podium next to Rick Perry’s in the next debate. I’ll destroy his concentration with my best come-hither glances. Plus I’ll point out that he graduated magna cum nada from Texas State.

Concerning the potential male candidates, Gingrich was equally dismissive: “Romney’s a Mormon—‘nuf said, and Herman Cain’s pizza is too salty, which is why he bailed. By the time I’m finished with ‘em, they won’t know the difference between Lincoln and Washington, which in the case of Perry is a done deal.”

Breton Announces Luddite Party Candidacy

2012-01-11T09:58:00.002-05:00

Breton Announces Luddite Party Candidacy

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Liam Breton, who fell short in his attempt to incite a national rebellion, has decided to run for U.S. President on the Luddite Party ticket. The Luddite Party was founded by Breton in response to the failure of the major political parties to address the loss of national purpose caused by a preoccupation with iPhones, iPads, and iPods, among other iStuff. [Ed. note: The Luddites were a movement in 19th-century England that viewed the textile machines of the Industrial Age as inherently evil.]

“We must return to our roots,” said Breton, “and toss these devices into the dustbin of history. Steve Jobs is dead — Long live Steve Jobs! — but let’s get his legacy out of our lives before Apple’s latest device, the iSelf, is implanted into the cerebral cortex of every newborn baby.” As noted in an earlier press release, the iSelf was Jobs’ last project at Apple. It is a WiFi-enabled unit that merges PC functionality with 4G networks and a virtual monitor located on the inside of the forehead.

Ron Paul, the libertarian candidate and darling of the Tea Party, was quick to respond to Breton’s announcement: “Who’s this guy think he is? I’ve been a Luddite ever since I began wiping my ass with leaves at age three. What this country really needs is to toss aside all government agencies and all those other things that have corrupted the American dream, from municipal sewer systems to hospitals. Let’s get back to basics and have disease and pestilence cull the weak from society.”

Michelle Bachmann, former candidate and darling of the Tea Party, whose demented eyes had frightened away her most ardent supporters, has now laid claim to being an early Luddite as well: “I burned my bra in seventh grade. My credentials can be seen whenever the temperature dips below 65 degrees.”

American Dream Redux

2012-01-04T11:18:00.004-05:00

American Dream Redux

by Bill Britton

My country ‘tis of thee,
I sing of your spacious skies and plains
and purple mountains ambered by sulfurous smoke,
of your Congress whose grim beat grinds down the downtrodden
longing for release from a wilderness of otherness.
I sing of stern-visaged laws
that shroud liberty with words spoken
by caretakers of public morality—airwave preachers
who diddle the faithful as if they were young boys
babbling catechism in a cloakroom.
America, your patriot dreams suffer years of tears in cities,
whose alabaster blocks swarm with bastards of fatherless sons
captured by the myth of God’s grace.
Sweet land of liberty,
your Wall Street altars
are attended by worshippers
who trample out a vintage of capital
on the backs of working men and women
bent by the terrible swift sword of necessity.
America, you stare at red-glaring rockets
and bursting bombs,
insane recreations of Dresden
sanitized into episodes of Star Wars.
America, a government of, by, and for the greediest
leaves the neediest reaching for the bottom rung
of a ladder broken by lobbyists
who slither through hallowed halls
in pursuit of silver-haired senators
with Bahamian junkets on their minds
while wondering what else their country
can do for them.
I once had a dream of freedom,
of oppression defeated by justice in men’s souls,
of crooked places made straight,
of freedom from every mole hill to every mountain,
of freedom from sea to shining sea,
of freedom at last.

The Sexual Predator Next Door

2011-11-15T16:07:00.002-05:00

The Sexual Predator Next Door

By Bill Britton

The sexual molestation tragedy at Penn State brought to mind an incident that occurred when I was 9 or 10 years old. An older boy in the neighborhood—I’ll call him “Guy”—asked me to come into the garage with him because he had “some special stuff” he wanted to rub on me. When I asked him what it was, he went into graphic detail about his intentions, which I won’t repeat here. The flight response kicked in, and I avoided walking by his house until I moved away.

Thirty years later, I attended his cousin’s funeral, a childhood friend who, like me, was a former Marine. Guy was there, along with a few other friends from the neighborhood I hadn’t seen for years. Out of Guy’s earshot, I struck up a conversation with these friends and found that Guy had tried to get each of them into his garage over a period of 5 or 6 years.

I also found out that Guy was a male student recruiter for a small eastern college, a role that sent him around the country and overseas for prospects. But what upset me most on seeing Guy and hearing part of his history was the fact that he had married a younger woman with five young sons. The thought that these boys might have been terrorized by Guy led to thoughts of lying in wait in the parking lot to beat the crap out of him. But I submerged that urge, knowing that I would be labeled the criminal if I did so.

The lesson to be learned from Penn State, and from my personal experience, is that sexual predators come in all sizes, colors, and ages. But more than that, their assaults are rarely singular events. In addition, they often operate under the guise of being a family friend, coach, pastor, priest, teacher, or mentor.

There is no penalty harsh enough for the sexual predator, but castration would be a good start.

7 Billion and Counting

2011-11-02T13:51:00.003-04:00

As we pass the 7-billion mark, there has been renewed criticism of Thomas Malthus and his view that humankind’s future was not necessarily on an upward slope because of the pressures derived from population growth.

Malthus' premises, and certainly his calendar, might have been off, but the fact remains that Earth is running out of vital resources with which to support a much smaller population than the 7-billion now extant. The depletion of fossil fuels and exotics like rare earths, for example, receive a fair amount of press, which they should, since they enable technologically advanced societies to exist.

Fossil fuels are the source of nitrate fertilizer for high-yield crops; the other vital agricultural input, phosphate, is mined, and once used, dissipates as run-off or percolates down into near-surface strata. Neither constituent is recoverable, and there are no substitutes that will support the food needs of those 7 billion for more than a dozen decades or so, much less the projected 9 to 10 billion of 2050.

Of course, water, whether potable or reclaimed, is already in short supply in most of the world, and indeed, its lack in sub-Saharan Africa has diminished what in the best of times has been a hardscrabble existence.

The drive for economic growth is both a boon and bane for humankind. Over the short term, economic growth brings with it prosperity, at least for those who are its beneficiaries. But over the long term, economic growth in tandem with population growth will only exacerbate the depletion of the abovementioned critical resources. Plus, the accumulation of externalities (e.g., greenhouse gases, water pollution) in the environment will see the diminution of the general population’s quality-of-life.

Technological fixes and scientific advancements will only carry us so far, despite the claims of leaders in industry and politics. At the dusk of civilization, an unsustainable population will no doubt be seen as the problem.

Republican Candidates To Be Sacked

2011-10-21T12:55:00.003-04:00

Lady Gaga Set To Meat Up With Them

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Republican National Committee (RNC) may organize a potato-sack race to eliminate the uncertainty over its eventual presidential nominee. Although Mitt Romney has consistently polled 25% of Republican voters, that is not enough to ensure his nomination. Because of this dilemma, the RNC felt it had no alternative but to formulate a more objective nominating process.

Ground rules are still being discussed, but a member of the committee leaked several to this reporter. The event will take place in Tropicana Field in Tampa, the host city for the nominating convention. The race course will be 100 yards in length, with female candidates given a 10-yard advantage. Although Michelle Bachmann is the only announced female, it is expected that Sarah Palin will enter because she completed a course in sack racing at Wasilla Adult Community Organization (WACO) in Alaska.

Former Texas Tech cheerleader Rick Perry has objected to the plan based on the medical fact that people like him with no necks cannot generate the proper body motion to compete effectively. Perry suggests that a modified greased-pig contest be held, with Lady Gaga dressed in a Bikini top and thong and slathered with Texas barbeque sauce.

A surging Herman Cain—and Godfather’s Pizza CEO—volunteered five gallons of marinara sauce to use instead, but the RNC feels that barbeque is more in the American tradition and is consistent with Lady Gaga’s fondness for meaty attire. The celebrity performer has promised that her outfit will be in good taste.

Ron Paul has denied accusations of blood doping to enhance his chances: “I don’t need blood. Unlike the other candidates, I don’t have to spend $9.88 for a mask at Wal-Mart. What you see is what you get, fear-wise, that is.”

Satellite Debris Kills Bull: Obama Blamed

2011-10-01T09:02:00.003-04:00

Bobby-Joe Killicat and his son guarding the Winnebago containing satellite debris.

Satellite Debris Kills Bull: Obama Blamed

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The 20-year-old satellite that crashed into Earth last week had a roughly 1-in-3,200 chance of hitting a person, NASA officials claimed. The Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, or UARS (pronounced: you-arse), apparently missed the planet’s 7 billion people but shrapnel did hit Gunnar Daligson’s prize bull, Big Johnson, in Willard, Wisconsin.

A broken-hearted Daligson told CNN’s Chris Jansing, “That piece of space junk slammed into the bullpen, and a flying gate hinge castrated Big Johnson quick as a wink. He’s been bellowing one octave higher ever since. Poor feller just stares into his hay trough or bends over looking ‘tween his forelegs.”

White House Liaison David Noble stated that “NASA regrets the castration and will reimburse Mr. Daligson as soon as Congress agrees on Washington’s latest debt-reduction plan. President Obama later denied he pressured NASA to re-program the satellite’s path to hit Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s home.”

Several other pieces of debris landed near the Cadillac Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. Local resident Bobby-Joe Killicat gathered them up and put them on display in an old Winnebago across from the ranch. He said, “My cousin Eldred works at the International UFO Museum in Roswell and started talking in tongues when I told him the chunks fell into my back yard. Armageddon is a-comin’!”

Presidential candidate Rick Perry blamed the Obama administration for the breakup of the satellite: “The President must explain to the American people how this could happen. When I’m elected, my administration will install a shield over America to deflect space junk.”

When told of the impracticality of such a shield, Perry responded by saying, “With the Lord’s help all things are possible, with the exception of maybe asking Him to rain on Texas—He sure as Hell screwed that one up.”

The Myth of Learning from 9/11

2011-09-12T09:34:00.001-04:00

We need a few more Hamlets

I read this quote today: "It [9/11] led us to question many of our assumptions about the nature of our country, our alliances, our military capabilities, and our worldview."

My question is, Who is questioning the foregoing? I see a lot of chest-thumping or the equivalent (the chant of “USA! USA!” at last night’s Jet game comes to mind). The new “community” is the mall or Amazon’s Web pages, not very conducive to the give-and-take of a questioning citizenry. That great tutor of sensibilities, The Classics, has been dropped from all but a few elite colleges. Many college freshmen have never read a newspaper, either in sheet form or on the Web. Neither MSNBC nor FOX News is in the business of informing without bias. The lost virtues of self-examination and self-criticism conflict with the notion that all opinions are valid. The drive to elevate the Jeffersonian individual to god-like status has destroyed and is destroying the concept of the common good in America. The three branches of government are incompetent and its members often malicious. These are just a few roadblocks to our, as a nation, questioning anything about our national polity or policies.

Remembering 9/11 and the Colaio Brothers

2011-09-11T13:27:00.004-04:00

Mark Colaio

As America remembers 9/11, it should also examine its roots. It was not a spontaneous emergence of terrorists who hate America, as some would have you believe. Hate, yes, but hatred borne of a history that saw the U.S. and Western Europe exploit the Mideast’s oil resources while simultaneously disrespecting Muslim culture. We are the “aliens” whose military presence will only inspire new generations of terrorists.

On this day, I remember in particular Mark Colaio, senior managing director at Cantor Fitzgerald, who perished on 9/11 along with his brother Stephen. Mark was a good friend to my son John and fun to be around.

When will the revolution begin?

2011-09-08T09:26:00.003-04:00

A healthy democracy cultivates mechanisms that redistribute wealth. These include an equitable taxation system, a corporate conscience, and reasonable social programs. The goal of each should be to support the common good. All three mechanisms are weak or under attack in the United States. When will the revolution begin?

Texas Governor Perry Calls for Washington to Secede

2011-08-26T16:47:00.004-04:00

The United State of Washington flag

By Bill Britton

Texas Governor Rick Perry said today that, if elected President, he would put in motion a secession plan for the nation’s capitol, Washington, D.C. The recently announced presidential candidate hinted several years ago that Texas could secede should the Federal Government become too burdensome. “I believe it’s best if Washington leaves the Union,” said Perry. “This would allow the 50 states to become independent entities with their own armed forces and tax rates, which in the case of Texas would be zero. And since everyone over age 5 has a gun, every Texan’s security is a done deal.”

MSNBC reporter Chuck Todd challenged Perry’s plan, saying that the Constitution would prohibit secession. Perry responded by accusing Todd of being a “spokesman for liberal extremism and a secular humanist, the most ungodly mix imaginable. Besides, the good old boys on the Supreme Court are on my side. If they had the balls to call corporations ‘individuals’, they sure as hell won’t hesitate to call the states ‘countries’.”

Michelle Bachmann, the Tea Party’s poster babe, quickly signed on to Perry’s plan: “I only wish I thought of it first. Just think, in one fell swoop we could eliminate Social Security, Medicare, the EPA, and all those other boondoggles. Plus I wouldn’t have to listen to that queer Barney Frank and his rants about the middle class. The middle class is just fine. They have their NASCAR, McDonalds, and Wal-Mart, everything for the good life.”

Perry said that all government programs would be turned over to the private sector, which would eliminate the need for lobbyists: “Those K-Street types would no longer have to bribe Congress with campaign money. Katy, bar the door! Think how much this would add to the bottom lines of all the oil companies in my state.”

Republicans Set Brackets for 2012 Nomination

2011-08-26T16:37:00.004-04:00

Rick Perry shooting liberals from trees

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Republican National Committee (RNC) has set the brackets for the 2012 nominating convention to be held in Tampa, Florida, starting in August 2012. Top seed is Mitt Romney, despite the fact that his political history reads like a Democrat’s “How To” book.

Second seed is Michelle Bachmann, famed historian, who plans to care for 26 additional foster children for a total of 49, which, as she said, would match the number of states. When told that there are 50 states, Bachmann responded by claiming that Hawaii is not a state and that President Obama’s citizenship was proven invalid.

Tim Pawlenty, Gary Johnson, and John Huntsman, third, fourth, and fifth seeds, respectively, are in a battle to determine who can capture the so-called “boredom” vote, the segment of the Republican party that subscribes to Birdwatcher Magazine. According to his former students, sixth seed Newt Gingrich should be part of this group, although his predisposition for trophy wives and jewelry is at odds with a boring lifestyle.

Seventh and eighth seeds, “The Two Ricks,” Santorum and Perry, are in competition for the “Most Ignorant Candidate Award,” given every election cycle by Fox News Chairman, Roger Ailes. “I wanted to give the award to Michelle,” said Ailes, “but she’s been boning up on sixth-grade history, which disqualifies her.”

Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain is relegated to ninth seed, mainly because he failed to attain the rank of Eagle Scout like his male competitors.

Of course the great unknown are the intentions of Sarah Palin, who some describe as the seediest of the potential nominees. When last seen, she and husband Todd were converting the “One Nation” tour bus into a moose blind with a 50-caliber machine gun mounted on the roof.

Charleston Park to Host Lecture Series

2011-08-26T16:32:00.004-04:00

Record carp caught in Charleston Park retention pond

Carp problem "the last straw"

By Bill Britton

North Port, FL — Charleston Park, a small gated community on Florida’s west coast, is planning to offer a series of lectures to its residents for the purpose of “raising community standards.” Taking a hint from the community newsletter, which lectures residents on a variety of issues each month, the sessions will hopefully obviate the need to repeat what some residents consider to be “scoldings.”

First on the agenda is the “carp problem.” Several residents have been seen casting nets into community ponds under the cover of darkness and landing 4-pounders. To compound the dilemma, the offenders are using the carp to fertilize their shrubs. “It is an ecologically friendly way to green up the garden,” said Madden Scatolski. “The Seminoles used this method for centuries. The only problem is the cat invasion”

The ban against parking on Charleston Park’s roadways is consistently violated, especially by the Dominoes Pizza delivery vehicle. But the greater problem involves several RVs that block satellite reception and sunlight from reaching adjacent homes. “I’ve missed the last two episodes of Jersey Girls,” complained Sidney Voyeur, whose shrubs are wilting for lack of sunlight. “Maybe I need some of those dead carp.”

Lawn and shrubbery maintenance is another contentious issue. Residents are encouraged to mow at least every two weeks, even when the turf is dormant. Harry Grub has come up with an alternative to grass: “I’ll just spray the entire yard with Roundup. This way the HOA Board can’t complain. Maybe I’ll roll on a few gallons of green deck paint to brighten up the dirt. That’ll make my plastic flamingoes really stand out.”

Breton Nears Completion of Cosmic Ark

2011-08-26T16:24:00.003-04:00

Celestial Bunghole ready for liftoff

Debt-Ceiling Compromise Prompts Renewed Interest

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Liam Breton, who several months ago failed in his attempt to foment a second American Revolution, announced today that he has nearly completed constructing a cosmic ark. Named the Celestial Bunghole, the ark is designed to transport the few remaining liberals to “HD 189733b,” an extrasolar planet more than 60 light years from Earth that was found to have organic molecules in its atmosphere. An earlier prototype soared almost 30 feet before Florida neighbor Villin Smutty shot it down with an anti-tank gun, a deed featured in the NRA publication, American Rifleman.

To avoid Smutty’s weaponry, Breton has moved the launch pad to the dense forest on Florida’s Panhandle. Rumors that it is really a missile aimed at Governor Rick Scott’s home are unfounded, said Breton. “You can’t get close enough. He’s got a small army of bald look-alikes in brown shirts guarding it. Besides, there’s a sign on the front gate that says, ‘No One Over 55 Allowed.’”

Now that the Space Shuttle program has ended, public attention has shifted to the Celestial Bunghole. The parking lots around Tallahassee are filling up with motor homes and walkers from as far away as Alaska to witness the launch. The passenger list includes activist Ralph Nader, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, and Horace Tromper, noted castrato and a runner-up on the TV show, “America’s Got Talent.”

Breton is concerned about reports of Tea Party agitators in the area: “They’re angry because the Bunghole has ticketed only 27 liberals. I’ve told them repeatedly that they’re all that’s around. The men are lined up trying to get visas to Scandinavia, which a Gallup poll says boasts the happiest countries in the world. And their wives are on Amazon.com buying rain gear and Rosetta Stone language software.”

Goin’ Back to Ocracoke

2011-08-25T07:48:00.005-04:00

Goin’ Back to Ocracoke

By Bill Britton

Each spring I heed the sand dunes’ call and pack the campin’ gear:
the best Dead discs, the fishin’ poles, a case or two of beer.
The risin’ sun draws me north to sandy isles they named
the Outer Banks where Teach’s wealth lies buried and unclaimed.
I cross the bridge at Currituck with Kitty Hawk in view
and one eye out for state police who thirst for revenue.

Goin’ back to Ocracoke, the land of goodsome folks
who look on summer lads like me as migratory jokes.
Dingbatters all, we try our best to mummock them the least,
but quamished looks reveal the fact we’ve driven too far east.

Pea Island’s sign reminds me soon of liquids drunk en route.
I stop to ease my achin’ gut midst poison ivy shoots.
The itch won’t start to drive me mad until a night has passed,
then calamine and sea-salt soaks will lend relief at last.
I wave at Avon, Buxton too, and Frisco’s scalawags,
then charter boats at Hatteras wave back at me with flags.

I rumble ‘cross the ferry ramp onto the steel-plate decks
and weave between the channel gates and shoals designed for wrecks.
I dash down 12, the first car off, “Hello, Molasses Creek,”
mosquito hoardes a-lyin’ low, a-honin’ bloody beaks.
The campground sign spurs me on, the village is close by,
my cubes of ice a mem’ry now, my beer as hot as pie.

The V’riety Store glows in mist, I slow to twenty per
and nudge my sleepy soulmate who is growlin’ like a cur.
Her carpin’ fails to faze me as I walk in through the door
with visions of a peaceful sea, Bikinied babes galore.
“Two bags of ice, if you please, and what’s the current price?”
“Sorry sir, but I’ve bad news. We’ve just run out of ice.”

I’m back again in Ocracoke, the land of goodsome folks
who look on summer lads like me as migratory jokes.
Dingbatters all, we try our best to mommock them the least,
but quamished looks reveal the fact, we’ve driven too far east.

We are in deep poop

2011-08-16T14:32:00.004-04:00

The Future Is Here

We are in deep poop. The 2012 election will be the scariest. If the economy/employment is still in a deep funk, more Tea Party types will likely be elected and progressivism will continue its slow death. Of course, this is conservatism's long-term objective--to turn this country into an oligarchy with theocratic overtones. From there, it is short hop to delayed elections and the abandonment of democratic principles. People scoff at me when I say this, but as Santayana wrote, "Those who do not know history's mistakes are doomed to repeat them." Besides, who reads history any more other than a decreasing number of academics? Economists certainly don't, nor do politicians.

CNN World News: Darfur

2011-07-27T13:51:00.001-04:00

CNN World News: Darfur

by Bill Britton

Above an arc of black coffee,
ebony figures,
gnarled and wrapped
in dusty parchment,
lean across the screen,
their eyes charred by hunger,
their nurslings adrift
in a wasteland of withered breasts,
their bodies bent by indifferent winds
that swirl over umbered landscapes
and scourge this kindling of races
raked into barren corners
and lost in the gaze of camera lenses.

Reflections on Independence Day

2011-07-07T13:40:00.005-04:00

Reflections on Independence Day

By Bill Britton

Attempts to pass a Constitutional Amendment against flag burning has, at times, generated personal uneasiness about the long-term integrity of two documents that have required limited adjustment since their creation by a small group of revolutionaries more than 200 years ago: the United States Constitution and the Bill of Rights. I feel that such an amendment would reduce, not increase, the condition of freedom within the United States. Because the Republican Party has become increasingly conservative, citizens can expect renewed efforts should it regain control of both the executive and legislative branches of government. The fact that the Supreme Court is similarly conservative means that there is a good chance that court challenges to an amendment would be defeated.

At first glance, transforming flag desecration from an act of protest to one of criminality seems harmless enough, since those who commit this act tend to be imbued with political outlooks contrary to those of mainstream America. And although watching the national symbol burn on the streets of some foreign city distresses most Americans, to see this done on the streets of an American city, by an American, can elevate this distress to a level of venomous rage. The polls reflect this. The great majority of all Americans are in favor of an amendment to prohibit, and thus criminalize, flag desecration.

Several processes are at work when flames consume a symbol revered from childhood on. Woven into its fabric are memories commonly held such as reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in grade school. Later, elements that are more complex reinforce that early innocence and might embrace incidents like the loss of a comrade in war. Underlying each individual notion of the flag as a private symbol rests tribal instincts that are often expressed on a grander scale as nationalism. In short, an assault leveled against the flag is an assault leveled against an amalgam of memories, innocent ideals, and loyalties, an amalgam that is unifying but can be explosive.

However, the flag as symbol represents far more than those personal and highly charged properties that have become enmeshed within it. When asked what the flag means to them, most Americans will immediately answer, “Freedom.” Since our early history is colored by efforts to secure it, freedom seems to be a logical first response. But since our follow-on history includes a long episode of slavery and the repression of various social and ethnic groups, does not the flag also connote these less palatable traces of national character? Alternatively, do its constituent colors, by representing courage, purity, and justice, exclude the possibility of acknowledging their antitheses?

If the flag as symbol is to honestly represent what America is about, that flag must be inclusive of what is bad as well as what is perceived to be good. By claiming that the flag represents only the national good, Americans must ignore a few chapters of its history and certain aspects of contemporary life. Indeed, it can be argued that for some Americans, the flag represents little more than social and economic marginalization.

Once a flag becomes old and worn or stained, its proper disposal requires burning. Local branches of the American Legion sponsor annual flag-burning ceremonies throughout the country. How can the courts distinguish between these ceremonies and those initiated by citizens who view the country, and therefore the flag, as morally worn or stained, its courage turned cowardly, its purity violated, and its justice compromised? Which ceremony is more ethically correct? In the former, an arbitrary determination was made some time in the past that the proper disposal of a worn flag requires its burning. In the latter, an individual or group sees flag burning as a legitimate response to some violation of its moral code or politics. Whether the weight of the majority condemns that response is of little consequence. A nation must pay the price if it is to honor the concept of free and untrammeled expression.

By definition, ownership of property in America carries with it the right to use that property in any manner as long as that use does not endanger others. Flags are manufactured articles. They enter the stream of distribution not unlike other of capitalism’s goods and are then sold to consumers. Payment transfers ownership to these consumers who are then free to use or abuse a particular article as they see fit, as long as that use causes no physical harm to the lives or property of others. Can rights of ownership be displaced by a prohibition against the destruction of a manufactured article by its legal owner? To claim that this nation owns the symbolic portion of a flag I have purchased for $19.88 at Walmart flies in the face of logic. My flag purchase receives neither subsidy from my neighbors nor rebate from Washington. Its symbolic essence consists of what I, as citizen, attach to it. Since that essence is of a strictly personal nature, I am free to extol or to vilify it. A constitutional restriction on this freedom is nothing less than an enfeebling of the First Amendment.

A nation that claims to be made up of free, independent citizens is a nation of potential dissenters. Freedom and the ability to protest, without harm, the actions and words of others and to take issue with an entrenched polity are parts of our everyday life and comprise the genesis of our nationhood. Although flag burning might lie at the fringes of individual liberty, its impact as a political statement will only be enhanced by its prohibition.

If we have become so unsure of ourselves that we need to restrain this seldom-used form of protest, we are moving closer to the mindset that encourages fundamentalists of any stripe to declare: I am always right (and its corollary: You are right if you agree with me). A flag worth its salt as a national symbol should be made of better stuff and need not fear protest in any form, even if that means its occasional immolation.

On most national holidays, I fly two flags: the national symbol and the Marine Corps eagle, globe, and anchor. As a former Marine, I love both symbols for different reasons, but they remain just that: symbols of my country and symbols of part of my personal history. A flag-burning amendment would do nothing to enhance that relationship.

Goldman Sachs to Change Name to Sacks O’Gold

2011-07-02T13:35:00.003-04:00

Goldman Sachs Board of Directors

Goldman Sachs to Change Name to Sacks O’Gold

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Lloyd C. Blankfein, Chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, the New York-based bank holding company, announced today that the firm will change its name to Sacks O’Gold (NYSE ticker, SOG). The change is in keeping with the firm’s intention to better position itself as the leading source of greed in the world.

“Last January’s compensation payout to our bankers was only $15.3 billion, down from last year’s $16 billion,” said Blankfein, soaking in a hot tub filled with steamy My-T-Fine chocolate pudding. “I don’t know how they’ll manage to trade in their old Mercedes for 2011’s. I guess they’ll just have to find some more suckers to buy into the derivatives market. Maybe we can set up a sub-prime mortgage company in Haiti.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is especially enthusiastic about the change: “The northeast corner of Fort Knox was set aside for Goldman when I came into office and pulled the coup of the century by changing Goldman from an investment bank to a bank holding company. In that way, the taxpayers were able to bail out my buddies Henry Paulson, Robert Rubin, and Larry Summers, all at risk from losing their Park Avenue penthouses.”

Novelist Ayn Rand, whose theory of trickle-down greed is embraced by former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan, is the most-read author on Wall Street. “She’s my favorite,” said runner Iwanna Shekels. “Mr. Blankfein reminds me so much of John Galt, the hero in Rand’s novel, The Fountainhead. It opened my eyes to the fact that altruism is nothing but a suckfest invented by the liberal elite. My fiancé Seymour Azole and I agree that our first-born will be named Randy. It’s so exciting—Iwanna, Seymour, and Randy Azole.”

Don't know much about history . . .

2011-06-04T07:34:00.001-04:00

Not only is Palin an idiot, she, like Bachmann, doesn't know shit about U.S. history. Remember Bachmann saying that the founding fathers did away with slavery? The sad part is that many Americans probably take their claims at face value. We get what we deserve.

Go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dRqaDrhgb8&feature=player_detailpage

Armageddon Machine Breaks Down

2011-06-03T10:46:00.005-04:00

Armageddonator, version 8.1

Armageddon Machine Breaks Down

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Like its earlier failure in 1994, Howard Camping’s Armageddonator® broke down only seconds after it was fired up on Saturday at 6:00 pm. “At the heart of the machine is an old REO Truck engine, and the dang main bearing just seized up,” said Camping from his Oakland, California home.

The best estimate is that the Armageddonator® ran for no more than 30 seconds, which was enough to levitate several dozen of the “saved” around the country. Bernard Boudreaux of Evangeline Parish in Louisiana was raised up almost 27 feet before he fell back to earth “like a shot ‘possum. I felt like a couyon [crazy person] until I saw the Pearly Gates open up just over Lake Chicot.” Boudreaux only suffered a mild ankle sprain in the fall.

Judgment Day was less kind to others. Butti Brule, a prostitute in Little Rock, Arkansas, suffered third-degree burns when her deep-fat fryer jumped off the counter and splashed hot oil on her right leg. “That was enough message for me,” said Brule. “I’m gonna mend my ways and get a job at Wal-Mart. Eight bucks an hour is better than eternity in Satan’s pit, although my co-worker Chastitty thinks it might be worse. Thanks to that broken-down REO, I get a second chance.”

In a related matter, former pastor and current Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee refused comment after his cell phone bill was posted on the Internet, showing that seven calls were made to Brule’s office in April. A spokesperson for the governor said that “the calls were unrelated to Ms. Brule’s profession.” There was no word on how high Huckabee was raised on Saturday, although rumors are rampant that the burns on his forearm were not caused by a barbecue flare-up as originally claimed.

Concerning the Gaia Hypothesis

2011-05-24T11:08:00.002-04:00

Concerning the Gaia Hypothesis (http://www.gaiatheory.org/):

Over the long term (billions of years), there is little that humanity can do to thwart the eventual consumption of Earth by an expanding Sun as it transitions to a red giant. Plus, the geologic record is clear regarding numerous periodic climate extremes that predate any human influence. In other words, the Gaia hypothesis (aka, the self-correcting myth) is doomed to discredit from the start. This is not to say that, in the interim, humanity cannot impact world climate in a positive, or negative, way, which in a sense gives limited credence to Gaia theory.

It is important to separate the concept of “climate” from that of “weather.” Weather is local and highly variable. Climate, at least in terms of the debate over climate change, is global and gradual. The extreme weather of the past few years might be due to the cumulative effect of climate change or it might be just the result of normal variation. According to climatologists, there is likely a tipping point (~450 ppm CO2) when runaway global warming will kick in, turning vast swaths of the middle latitudes to desert, or to swamp, depending on the model. In either case, much of coastal civilization would have to pack up and move due to sea rise. I believe we are moving inexorably toward that tipping point, and see no global consensus on how to avoid it, which is indicative of the human tendency to think short term. (Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.)

We (humanity) are fixated on economic growth. This fixation will doom us. Instead, we should be fixated on the one initiative that could save us: rein in population growth with a target world population of no more than several hundred million. Earth’s resources might be able to support that number over the next hundreds of millions of years. But this is a foolish hope: the alliance of greed, religion, and nationalism will work together to obscure the reality that Earth’s support structure is limited and finite. Even more foolish is the idea that the stars hold the key to avoiding humanity’s extinction through resettlement on a distant planet; but that is another story.

IMF Head Strauss-Kahn Engaged to Rikers Inmate

2011-05-20T08:44:00.002-04:00

Sofitel Hotel Annex

IMF Head Strauss-Kahn Engaged to Rikers Inmate

By Bill Britton

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who heads the International Monetary Fund and, until a few days ago, was likely to be the Socialist Party candidate for president of France, has announced his engagement to Heebie Longfellow, an inmate at New York’s Rikers Island where the IMF Director has taken up residence. Strauss-Kahn is accused of sexually assaulting a housekeeper at the luxurious Sofitel Hotel in Manhattan.

The rushed engagement has taken everyone by surprise, especially his wife Anne, who said, “I never thought that Dominique might be AC-DC, although he does keep a buff photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger on his dresser, and he does prefer me to wear his tightie-whities around the house. My goddaughter, Tristane Banon, who says that he attacked her in 2002 like a ‘rutting chimpanzee,’ is unfair. He can hardly bend down to tie his shoes, much less dance around on his knuckles.”

The head of France’s Socialist Party, Jean-Marc Ayrault, could not understand why Strauss-Kahn was arrested: “In France, assaulting maids is a normal part of life. We depend on the resulting bastards to prop up the workforce. On Tuesdays, when Mélanie comes to spruce up my apartment, we play hide-and-seek, she in her apron and me in my Adidas track shoes.”

Of course not all members of the Socialist Party are happy with the fact that Strauss-Kahn’s hotel room cost $3,000 per night. Francois Peut, head of Paris’ trash collector’s union, complained, “You can get a great room in Paris for 500 to 600 Euros, with a different maid every day. Was this Longfellow wearing an apron? Mon dieu! I must rush off and buy Dominique an engagement gift. Do you think silk sheets would be in good taste?”

Trump Aide Arrested: Caught with Obama Birth Certificate

2011-05-20T08:37:00.002-04:00

Balinskaya about to take dictation from dictator Gaddafi

Trump Aide Arrested: Caught with Obama Birth Certificate

By Bill Britton

Libyan President Muammar Gaddafi’s former nurse, Ukrainian-born Oksana Balinskaya and now Donald Trump’s personal assistant, was seized at Honolulu Airport after a high-speed chase through the city. In her possession was President Obama’s original birth certificate. “Der Donald promised it vould be a slam dunk. How vaz I to know Ukrainian money vaz no good for bribes? I just grab certificate and skedaddle. No time for umbrella drink.”

When reached in New York, Trump denied being behind the attempted theft: “Oksana took it upon herself to steal the supposed original—what dedication!—I’ve now asked the birth registrar in Honolulu to turn it over to my team for radio-carbon analysis to see if it is actually 50 years old. Then it’s off to dig up the attending obstetrician and nurses for additional evidence.”
Hawaii Governor Abercrombie said he was “under no obligation to turn over the original to a creepy mo’o [lizard] like Trump. He belongs in a hale moa [chicken house] with that hair. Just think how many eggs that nest could hold.”

Once Trump proves that the President is not a natural-born citizen, he plans to open an inquiry into the legitimacy of George Washington’s citizenship: “The man was born in 1732, before there was even a United States. I think it’s clear he should be impeached even though he’s been dead for 200 years. He was British, as far as I can tell.”

DAR President Merry Wright was apoplectic over Trump’s attack on Washington: “Mr. Trump should be keelhauled for denigrating the Father of our country. After all, he planted his seed in nothing but the best ladies during colonial times. Ah, if all those beds could only talk.”

Bill Britton Joins Tea Party on April 1st

2011-05-20T08:26:00.004-04:00

Florida governor Rick Scott, Bill Britton's mentor

Bill Britton Joins Tea Party on April 1st

By Guillaume Breton

After months of soul-searching, Bill Britton, a very cranky gentleman from Florida, who coincidentally writes for a scatological online publication, decided he’d had enough with the panty-waist members of the political left and will switch his allegiance to the Tea Party, or tea party, whichever is politically correct.

“I’ve come to realize that my political outlook is at least as weird as Rand Paul’s, as historically challenged as Michelle Bachman’s, as out-doorsie as Sarah Palin’s, as religiously fundamentalist as Mike Huckleberry’s, and I am as blinded by my own grandeur as Glenn Beck,” said Britton.

To illustrate his commitment to Tea Party ideals, Britton will cross into Alabama and purchase an assault rifle from the Alabama Militia, which believes in protecting Second Amendment rights by shooting unarmed wildlife. The militia’s president, Arlen “Gumball” Shlong, said his group has a long history of shooting raccoons. “Why my daddy’d git his share of ‘coons back in the 1940s. He’d sneak out at night in this white camouflaged outfit with only a torch to find his way. Them was the good old days.”

Britton plans to enter the primary race once he can garner the required number of petition signatures. “I believe that is a slam-dunk,” said Britton. “I’m relying on the natural ignorance of the electorate, plus I’ve got more wrinkles than Ronald Reagan had when he ran, which should seal the vote in Florida for a start. And unlike Governor Rick Scott, I’m not facing a possible indictment for Medicare fraud. I wonder if he’s got any of that fraud money left to support my candidacy. After all, we’re now cut from the same cloth.”

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein

2011-05-20T08:13:00.003-04:00

Gingrich asking Clinton to borrow Hillary for the night

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein

By Bill Britton

In a nationally televised news conference, potential Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich revealed that his I.Q. is 20 points higher than renowned physicist Albert Einstein. “The American people know that I am basically a modest individual, but I felt I owed it to my adoring public to no longer hide my intellectual brilliance under a mortarboard, so to speak,” said Gingrich who now wears his academic robes 24/7.

As verification of that brilliance, Bob Jones University has created a new academic award, summa cum bubba, which will be reserved for those whose intellectual capacity exceeds that of Einstein. Gingrich, who graduated from Tulane University, has enjoyed a steady stream of academic awards, beginning with the DuPont science award that he received at age 6 for discovering the reason why peanuts split into two sections: “Essentially, I concluded that it was God’s will, and another example of Intelligent Design.”

Gingrich said that he couldn’t wait to enter the televised debate season with the other Republican candidates: “My credentials are impeccable and include my capacity to womanize even ugly bitches. I’m just hoping the committee puts my podium in between Palin and Bachmann. I’ll destroy their concentration with my best come-hither glances. Plus I’ll point out that both graduated magna cum nada from Dimwit University.”

Concerning the potential male candidates, Gingrich was equally dismissive: “Pawlenty is Mr. Rogers in drag, Romney’s a Mormon—‘nuf said, and Huckleberry’s as big a nut case as Bachmann. By the time I’m finished with ‘em, they won’t know the difference between Lincoln and Washington, which in the case of Bachmann is a done deal.”

Next week, Gingrich is to make a guest appearance as a manatee in a National Geographic special on PBS.

Rep. King Begins Crusade Against Muslims

2011-05-20T08:03:00.003-04:00

Rep. Peter King's favorite footware

Rep. King Begins Crusade Against Muslims

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Representative Peter King (R-NY) has begun hearings on the radicalization of the Muslim community in the U.S. His congressional committee has decided to extend its mandate to cover certain business groups in the U.S., including the 7-11 League of Unabashed Taliban (“7-11-LOUT”), the Muslim Alliance of Gas-Guzzling Osama Disciples (“MAGGOD”), and the Muslim Extremist Cooperative Council of America (“MECCA”).

Rep. King began his probe at the urging of Igor deSerpent, president of SWAMP (So Worried about Muslim Practices), a Tea-Party-staffed political action committee funded by the billionaire Koch brothers, whose coal-mining operation in West Virginia provided background for the recent documentary film, “Why the Appalachians Should Be Flattened.”

During an MSNBC interview, Chris Matthews asked King why Muslims were being targeted. He replied that “Muslims want to establish a caliphate in the U.S., which can be seen by the fact that President Obama has built a mosque in the basement of the White House. Plus, the carpet in the Oval Office bearing the Presidential Seal has been replaced by a prayer rug made by child labor, specifically, his daughters Malia and Sasha. And, his wife Michelle wears a burqa.”

When Matthews suggested that the burqa was in fact a scarf similar to those worn by many American women, King became enraged and began speaking in tongues, which caused the hundreds of Christian fundamentalists picketing MSNBC to collapse on the sidewalk in rapturous writhing. MSNBC President Phil Griffin reacted by saying, “One of them wasn’t Rush Limbaugh, was it? He’s been known to fall into a cataleptic fit whenever he hears names like Obama, Gore, or Pelosi.”

Rep. King plans to follow up the present inquiry with one that will focus on the question of why liberal elites wear Crocs sandals rather than Walmart flip-flops.

Charleston Park to Host Lecture Series

2011-04-20T09:07:00.002-04:00

A flock of plastic flamingoes in the author's yard

Charleston Park to Host Lecture Series

By Bill Britton

North Port, FL — Charleston Park, a small gated community on Florida’s west coast, is planning to offer a series of lectures to its residents for the purpose of “raising community standards.” Taking a hint from the community newsletter, which lectures residents on a variety of issues each month, the sessions will hopefully obviate the need to repeat what some residents consider to be “scoldings.”

First on the agenda is the “carp problem.” Several residents have been seen casting nets under the cover of darkness and landing 4-pounders. To compound the dilemma, the offenders are using the carp to fertilize their shrubs. “It is an ecologically friendly way to green up the garden,” said Madden Scatolski. “The Seminoles used this method for centuries. The only problem is the cat invasion”

The ban against parking on Charleston Park’s roadways is consistently violated, especially by the Dominoes Pizza delivery vehicle. But the greater problem involves several RVs that block satellite reception and sunlight from reaching adjacent homes. “I’ve missed the last two episodes of Jersey Girls,” complained Sidney Voyeur, whose shrubs are wilting for lack of sunlight. “Maybe I need some of those dead carp.”

Lawn and shrubbery maintenance is another contentious issue. Residents are encouraged to mow at least every two weeks, even when the turf is dormant. Harry Grub has come up with an alternative to grass: “I just spray the entire yard with Roundup. This way the HOA Board can’t complain. Maybe I’ll roll on a few gallons of green deck paint to brighten up the dirt. That’ll make my plastic flamingoes really stand out.”

Government Chips Away at Privacy

2011-04-17T13:44:00.005-04:00

Sam Lowry, the hero of Brazil

Government Chips Away at Privacy

By Bill Britton

The Department of Homeland Security has contracted with the Digital Angel company to have its ID chips implanted in all Americans and illegal aliens. At $12 per chip and injector, the cost will total $4.8 billion, unless the government is able to negotiate a quantity discount. Veterinarians, who have implanted Digital Angel’s chips in pets and livestock for years, will be licensed for human implants. These will be free to Medicare subscribers and to those with healthcare insurance. The 50-million uninsured will pay a fee of $50 to $100.

The chip will be rebranded the Lowry Tracker, in honor of Sam Lowry, the protagonist in Terry Gilliam’s dystopian film, Brazil. The Tracker emits a 125-kilohertz radio frequency signal that transmits its unique ID number to scanners that will be installed throughout the country and in most bedrooms. The ID number then accesses a computer database containing the person's file.

Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ) sponsored the funding bill, which eventually passed by a slim majority in both houses of Congress. “This program will allow the government to trace the whereabouts of everyone in the U.S.,” said Kyl. “Those with incomes above $1 million per year will be exempted because they are the most trustworthy members of society, especially my colleagues on Wall Street.”

The program has alarmed some Christian fundamentalists who claim that the chips are the biblical “Mark of the Beast.” Roberta Combs, president of the Christian Coalition, expressed her dismay at the program: “It’s just a way to get the devil under everyone’s skin. I can see it for whose families have only been here for a generation. But real Americans like me are offended by the idea. This, after we backed all those Right-Wingers and Tea Party candidates. Digital Angel? Pshaw!”

How to Form a Breadline

2011-04-01T07:18:00.002-04:00

1930s Redux

How to Form a Breadline

By Bill Britton

The Florida House of Representatives has approved a bill that would establish the deepest and most far-reaching cuts in unemployment benefits in the nation. The measure would reduce the number of weeks the unemployed could collect benefits from the standard 26 weeks to 20. This has workers worried in Florida, where the unemployment rate, while continuing to inch down, is 11.5 percent, considerably higher than the nation’s rate of 8.9 percent.

The bill’s sponsor, Representative Doug Holder, a Sarasota Republican, said creating jobs is pivotal to keeping Floridians off the unemployment rolls: “Florida is positioning itself to be the most business-friendly state in the country. The best way to right a capsized economy is to provide more jobs.”

This year the tax on business owners jumped to $72.10 a year for each employee. How $72.10 is an excessive burden on business, and how putting more people out of their homes is good for the economy are two questions that are beyond me.

Running on Empty

2011-03-29T16:28:00.003-04:00

Running on Empty

By Bill Britton

I am one of the 4 percent or so who are atheist. As such, I can look at those in public office with, I hope, a more objective eye than one who looks through the filter of religiosity. What I see, in general, are representatives and senators who wear their religion on their sleeves as if belief makes them more qualified to hold public office. I keep my atheism to myself, unless someone asks me about my church or my faith, in which case I answer, “Atheist,” and leave it at that, although I am amused by the various degrees of shock registered on the face of the questioner. I never proselytize, unlike certain fundamentalist types. I believe that religion, or its lack, is a private affair and should be so for members of Congress, who, in effect, proselytize with each faith-based declaration. This country’s founders ran from state religions; now it is running toward them. How sad.

Letter to a Libertarian Friend

2011-03-16T14:42:00.003-04:00

The Wag Crew

Letter to a Libertarian Friend

By Bill Britton

Sorry I didn’t get back sooner, but I was busy working on a funding proposal for a company involved in financing “new energy” projects and the like—in other words, another aspect of the “liberal” agenda but with capitalist overtones. I will continue the rest of my remarks by sketching out a long-winded definition of my accused liberal persona (your label), which in another era might better be called, “moderate.”

Like you, I believe that government is too large. Most governmental departments have become bloated characterizations of themselves. As an example, we now have a Department of Homeland [a “Third Reich-ish” word] Security, a Defense Department, a CIA, an FBI, an NSC, etc., all of which have cross duties that are rarely coordinated.

In the Defense Department, we have both Naval and Marine fighter air wings, both of which do the same work. We have Army and Marine artillery batteries that do the same work. We have hanger after hanger on Air Force bases that replicate each other with the latest in high-tech test gear. We send all our troops into battle wearing socks made in China and with air cover provided by billion-dollar aircraft. Yet, we fail to properly care for the maimed or for veterans in general (or for their widows). In essence, we have a military designed to fight a now-defunct Soviet Union, despite claims to the contrary.

We’ve spent billions in Korea and fought to a stand-off, billions on an imaginary missile gap, billions in Vietnam and lost the war, covered ourselves with “glory” in Grenada, and have been spending billions on two wars in Iraq and one in Afghanistan with little prospect of “winning” either. Our other interventions are countless. Presidents and Congresses have played increasingly loose and fast with military lives lately because the enlisted ranks now come from the bottom rung of the socioeconomic ladder, not from the broad spectrum of American society. Yet, the Pentagon budget is untouchable by either political party, but especially by conservatives.

Of course, you could go through every government department, program, or agency and find duplication and waste, to say nothing of subsidies—three stand out: (1) billions for the oil industry to offset the “risk” of dry wells, which are rare with today’s geo technology, (2) billions for corn-based ethanol production, which will never make economic sense because of the energy costs associated with a 2-step process, and (3) billions for the coal industry. Curiously, the recipients of these examples of governmental largess tend to be conservative, small-government types and, in the case of the Koch brothers, libertarian and Tea Party supporters.

I suspect that Iraq will eventually revert to a polity it is most comfortable with: a quasi-military strong man and his cadre of sycophants, that is, if it does not fragment into three or more tribal fiefdoms that only vaguely resemble the definition of “nation.” The question is whether we finally have the wisdom to recognize that many of the so-called nations around the world were constructed according to the whims of imperialism, not by more rational designs based on ethnicity or commonality.

It is time for the Mideast to sort itself out, free from Western interference. The chips might fall hard here and there, but given an America that is falling apart structurally, socially, morally, and economically, it is time for America and its leaders to address our own people’s needs and not those of corrupt and thankless foreign regimes.

What to do about the two entitlement programs Medicare and Social Security? Both programs were instituted when the U.S. population was much younger and when medicine’s share of the household budget was much lower. Medicare is an end-of-life problem—that is, we as a people have lost touch with the fact that we do, indeed, die. We, and the medical profession, know no bounds when it comes to preserving life—quality of life rarely is part of the discussion. But somehow there must be a line drawn between the Hippocratic Oath and the reality of death. Otherwise, our ageing population will bankrupt the nation.

The Social Security dilemma was engineered by the very same folks who want to obliterate it: our representatives in Washington. The trillion-plus dollars in the SS “Trust Fund” have been ravaged over the years to pay for current expenses, which is, ironically, what home-equity loans have been used for by homeowners. I’m sure Washington will cobble together non-solutions to both problems. Meanwhile, the migration of politicos to K-Street will continue unabated.

The Easter Island metaphor is not without merit if you look at it as an example of what happens when a set of finite resources—in this example, wood and topsoil—are exploited in extremis by a population that exceeds the carrying capacity of its “world.” Our present population of some 7 billion will reach 9+ billion by 2050 or so, according to the U.N. Close to 1 billion suffer from hunger today. That number will likely double by 2050. The Green Revolution is over, and farm productivity is in decline, largely due to topsoil loss and the rising costs of the two basic soil supplements: nitrates and potash. Nitrates are derived mostly from natural gas, a finite resource; potash is mined, and once mined, it is not recoverable and is thus finite. Freshwater aquifers and surface waters are being depleted at an unsustainable rate. There are no technology “fixes” on the horizon that might mitigate this combination of dilemmas.

Free markets are fine in theory, but the two primary beneficiaries are your “monopolists and the oligarchs.” To claim otherwise is naive. The financial market has been taken over by money manipulators who add little value to the physical world in their machinations. Creative methods of finance are, I agree, essential tools for a healthy economy and for enhancing the common good, but when oversight breaks down—i.e., regulatory protections—the entire economic framework suffers; yet the whizzes at Goldman et al. continue on their merry way to becoming the New American Aristocracy.

But I’m afraid that free markets are a one-way street when it comes to our Chinese cousins who will continue to park their Yuan here as long as it benefits them. To the Chinese, free markets mean the ability to steal copyrights, patents, and intellectual property at their pleasure, while simultaneously deriding us if we place a penny tariff on a Chinese-subsidized import. It was the same with Xerox, for example, and the Japanese. Our government, in the name of free markets (and the result of a trumped-up anti-trust suit), forced Xerox to share vital technologies with the Japanese. Within four years, Xerox lost 80%+ of its copier business to the Japanese.

Most of the regulatory agencies in the U.S. are "captured" by the industries they regulate—that is, agency appointments are former industry leaders who are, in effect, in bed with their former employers. The end result is that regulations are compromised by the drive toward greater profitability on the part of vested interests. Nowhere is this truer than in the Department of Energy’s regulatory agencies. Human and environmental interests end up as secondary concerns. When it comes to offshore oil drilling (and now, nuclear power plants), there should be built-in redundancies that provide extreme levels of safety.

The debate over climate change has been going on, it seems, ad nauseum. But the debate should be about that most-critical of finite natural resources, fossil fuels. We have reached, or will shortly reach, “peak oil.” Yes, the industry continues to find new oilfields but they tend to be found in less-accessible, more-costly places. The U.S. has 300 to 500 years of coal reserves, the largest in the world, but again, the “easy” coal is almost gone, with the exception of West Virginia, which is being leveled as I write.

Natural gas is plentiful at the moment, but none of these fossil fuels are being replenished by natural processes, despite what some fundamentalists claim. (Of course, uranium is a natural resource, but the future of nuclear energy is sketchy, given the situation in Japan.) My point is this: The world must make the transition to non-fossil-fuel energy generation simply because the world will eventually run out of all carbon-based fuels. If in fact anthropomorphic-induced climate change is real, then both challenges—fossil-fuel resource depletion and climate change—will then have been addressed by this transition.

My worldview has been on a different arc from yours: I began life as an optimist, and, well, here I am today, a grumpy old guy, but with good friends and two dogs who cheer me with their smiles and tails (the dogs, that is) regularly.
Best,

"Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."

2011-03-16T07:20:00.002-04:00

The damaged No 1, 3, and 4 reactors at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant, Japan.

Photograph: DigitalGlobe/AP

Regarding the nuclear disaster in Japan, the atomic genii is out of the bottle and all the test-ban treaties and all the reviews of nuclear plant integrity in the world will not put it back in. The terms "safety standards," "back-up systems," "redundancy," and "safe levels" mean little under the bright light of nuclear fission. Those words are merely oxymoronic, or more accurately, moronic.

Remember J. Robert Oppenheimer's words from the Bhagavad Gita, "Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."

Glenn Beck is Certified a “Looney”

2011-02-24T07:40:00.003-05:00

Beck undergoing "scream" therapy

Glenn Beck is Certified a “Looney”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The American Psychiatric Association (APA) announced that it has created a new category of mental illness, “Looney,” to describe the unique mental state of Glenn Beck.

An abstract from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) states that “The Looney is typically characterized as being a combination of Messianic, Napoleonic, and Occult personalities with overtones of martyrdom and a tendency toward self-flagellation and self-pleasuring. . . . There is no known cure, although isolation and streaming videos of MSNBC’s Chris Matthews might ease the symptoms.”

APA President Carol A. Bernstein, MD, said that the inspiration for this new category came from association member Seekim Odbalim, MD, who has been observing media, sports, and entertainment figures for the past forty years: “I have had no problem classifying a Lady Gaga, a John McEnroe, or even a Rush Limbaugh, but Beck did not fit into a neat slot like these examples of nut cases. Put simply, Glenn Beck occupies a special place in the nut world because his symptoms overlap a wide range of clinical disorders, and thus the name ‘Looney’.”

Fox News President Roger Ailes summed up his company’s reaction to the APA announcement: “Why do you think we hired him?”

Although pressure has been building to categorized Congresswoman Michele Bachmann as a Looney, Odbalim said, “We must maintain the distinction among certifiable Loonies, Idiots, and the Dim-Witted. After consulting with several colleagues, I felt that Bachmann belongs in the latter category. After all, she cannot remember her third-grade history, although I understand that she can now tell the difference between the Civil and Revolutionary Wars. That old saying, ‘The eyes are windows on the soul,’ certainly applies to her. If you’ll notice, there’s nothing in there.”

Exclusive: Dozen Tea Party Members Fall from Sky

2011-02-08T08:36:00.004-05:00

Bachmann during recent Fox News interview

Exclusive: Dozen Tea Party Members Fall from Sky

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Today on Fox News, the Nationwide Tea Party Coalition explained the reasons behind the sight of a dozen of its members falling from the sky near Roswell, New Mexico. Spokesman Christian Wright said, “It had nothing to do with an alien attack, although Roswell has suffered from them over the years. We believe it was a practice run for the Rapture that is about to take place during the End Times. I guess those poor souls just weren’t born again like me and my son Farr.”

Roswell Police Chief Selden Wronk disagreed with Wright and said that autopsies revealed that most of the deceased had only half a brain. “I believe this indicates the work of aliens,” said Wronk. “Their brains were sucked out by those little green men that run rampant around here.” In contrast, House leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that the new Tea Party members in Congress “always seemed to be a little light upstairs—just like me—not quite a full cup of tea, so to speak.”

Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-MN), a Tea Party activist and much admired by the Minnesota Militia, blamed the human “fallout” on a Democratic Party attempt to weaken the Tea Party movement. Sporting a brown shirt with lightning bolt monograms above each breast, Bachmann goose-stepped her way to the podium at a rally in Minneapolis and screeched, “The Founding Fathers knew about the dangers presented by Democrats like Thomas Madison and James Jefferson.”

When told that she had mixed up their names and that they were two of the Founding Fathers, Bachmann replied, “That’s not the way it is in the history book I’m writing. Just ask Sarah. By the way, can anyone recommend an ophthalmologist? My eyes seem to wander.”

Dear Dr. Jones

2011-02-02T11:01:00.003-05:00

This comment was written in response to a real doctor’s letter circulating on the Internet. It has appeared in various forms, but the gist of the letter has been verified by snopes.com. In the doctor’s words, “I contend that our nation's ‘health care crisis’ . . . is the result of a ‘crisis of culture’, a culture in which it is perfectly acceptable to spend money on luxuries and vices while refusing to take care of one's self or, heaven forbid, purchase health insurance [and] based in the irresponsible credo that ‘I can do whatever I want to because someone else will always take care of me’. Once you fix this ‘culture crisis’ that rewards irresponsibility and dependency, you'll be amazed at how quickly our nation's health care difficulties will disappear.”

MY RESPONSE:

Dear Dr. Jones:

During the past thirty years, I have had the pleasure of becoming a grandfather a dozen times. Samantha was the eighth and was a delight from the moment she uttered her first cry at the indignity of being exposed to the assessing eyes of her mom and dad and the delivery room doctors and staff. As responsible parents, my son and his wife acquired healthcare coverage to offset the costs of any medical needs that might arise for them and their two children.

At age 6, Samantha developed a malignant brain tumor (anaplastic astrocytoma). Her parents were aware that not all of Samantha’s needs would be covered by their policy, but they were not prepared for the shock of receiving bills totaling about $240,000 in unreimbursed expenses, this despite her being a patient at St. Jude Children’s Hospital for eight weeks where virtually all her expenses were paid in full.

Thirteen months later, Samantha died. Over this period, my son’s family income was cut to less than half, a result of a tanking economy (he is a carpenter) and the fact that my son spent so much time in repeated visits to doctors and hospitals for treatment of seizures and all those other semi-emergencies that accompany a terminal illness like brain cancer.

In their case, there was no “crisis of culture” that rewarded irresponsibility and dependency. Few dollars were spent by my son and daughter-in-law on luxuries and vices (save an occasional jug of cheap wine) while refusing to take care of their family. However, a crisis of culture does exist when a society fails to provide a safety net for family members struck down by a medical disaster, which, I’m sure you’d agree, is a fair definition of an affliction like anaplastic astrocytoma.

Yes, there are people in America who could be called irresponsible in anyone’s eyes. However, there are many more like my son who make yeoman efforts to preserve and protect their families. These include the tens of millions in the lower economic brackets who must make the choice between bread on the table and top-drawer healthcare coverage. Unfortunately, it all comes down to assigning top priority to the most immediate need.

Your letter implies that “irresponsibility” is the rule for those without healthcare coverage. I suggest it is society that is irresponsible for not providing a way to at least subsidize basic preventive care and to provide a safety net for those who are victims of chance and circumstances not of their own making. And as middle and lower incomes continue to stagnate (while wealth becomes further concentrated at the top), the disparity between those who can and cannot afford basic coverage will only grow.

Sincerely,

Bill Britton

Walmart to Offer Funeral Home Services

2011-01-20T11:26:00.002-05:00

Walmart to Offer Funeral Home Services

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Beginning next week, Walmart will offer funeral home services at 225 of its Supercenters. The Walmart slogan, “Save money. Live better,” will be altered at these locations to “Save money. Die stiffer.” Its motto “Always Low Prices” will be changed to “Eternally Low Prices.”

The locations of Walmart funeral outlets are scattered around the country, with concentrations in Florida and Arizona. Already, caravans of motor homes can be seen in Walmart parking lots to take advantage of Black-Light Specials featuring in-store packages starting at $500 for cremation at a municipal incinerator.

The Martha Stewart Infinity Series of services begins at $1,999 and ranges up to $14,999, depending on the options selected. These include facial reconstructions like YouthFace4You at $899, the Dolly Parton at $999, and the Private Presley at $1,999, among others. Clients can also be cryogenically preserved or have a life-size replica of themselves made at Madame Tussauds locations around the world, all at reduced prices.

Funeral sales desks will be found adjacent to the garden center area, where tie-in purchases of flowers and plants can be made. Viewing chapels will have a rotating altar with Christian, Jewish, and Buddhist themes. A Muslim theme might be added, depending on demand from the Mideast.

Scott Price, President and CEO, Walmart Asia, has negotiated with the Hongtai Casket Company of Nanjing, China to fabricate a line of jumbo caskets to accommodate its broad customer base. Price explained, “These will have ten lifting handles instead of the normal six, although it looks like ten will soon be the new normal in America. Of course they’ll be wider and have twin steel I-beams built into the bottom.”

Utah Man Bowled Over by Reception

2011-01-19T09:50:00.004-05:00

Utah Man Bowled Over by Reception

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Eighty-seven-year-old Dummer Bergsteiger, a resident of La Sal, a tiny town in the mountains of southeast Utah, was surprised to find that “super bowl” referred to the football spectacular of that name: “I thought it meant that oversize toilet I saw in aisle 11 at The Home Depot. I been eyein’ that beauty ever since Gertrude dropped the hint about her up-and-comin’ birthday next week. It would frame her big butt just fine.”

It seems that Bergsteiger had only limited TV reception—Judge Judy on the hour and Sponge Bob on the half hour, with the exception of Sundays when the San Diego Curling League competition is broadcast continuously. Concerned that Bergsteiger might be too isolated from the world; parishioners at the Heilige Rolle Lutheran Church began a fund drive to buy a 40-foot antenna mast for him.

One effort to raise funds was nearly washed out by torrential rains: a paper-airplane distance contest. The winner, Fol Ding Lot, a second-year origami major at Moab Education Center, used waxed paper instead of copy paper to capture first-prize honors. The exchange student from Osaka, Japan credited his victory to experience: “I’m a fifth-generation origamist, so I guess I had a leg up on the competition.” After one month’s effort, the church community reached its goal of $400.

Asked if he was pleased with his enhanced TV reception, Bergsteiger replied, “Oh, it’s great. But I just don’t get that American Idol program. What’s with these people who can’t sing? And that Gretta van Susteren on Fox News--she looks like a manikin in Sears. I think I’ll stick with Sponge Bob and beach volleyball. That’s better than watching curling.”

Good luck, America

2011-01-12T10:34:00.002-05:00

Good luck, America

By Bill Britton

As reported, Sarah Palin’s PAC had a number of candidates under crosshair images before the fall election. It is this type of irresponsible and inflammatory politicizing that can push some over the edge. Sure, it’s freedom of speech, but that rings hollow when seven people are gunned down. What cannot be denied is the link between inflammatory statements in general and the climate of anger that is running rampant in this country. Palin’s PAC website serves as a potent example.

Some claim that all segments of the political spectrum make inflammatory statements, but that is only partly true. The political Right has elevated it to an art form, which can be heard on talk radio and on Fox News daily. When travelling, I scan radio stations out of curiosity. The one major exception to inflammatory language is NPR, which can be left-leaning but there is no spewing of vitriol as is found on the Right. I don’t believe that anyone on the Left can hold a candle to the statements issued by a Palin, a Bachmann, or an Engle, which have been seen to spill over into their followers’ rally signs. And to equate Olbermann with Limbaugh, for example, is ridiculous. Olbermann can be both caustic and sarcastic, but Limbaugh is malicious to the core.

Some might read into this that I am in favor of censorship. But any “policing of words” should be undertaken by the politicos and their talking heads themselves by exercising self-restraint. There is nothing weak about a public discourse grounded in civility. But to use guns as a metaphor for political action can provide negative reinforcement to a troubled mind and is a total distortion of the Second Amendment.

I spent 4 years in the Marines. The assumption on the part of people I don’t know is that I am a Right-winger. Two examples: When I moved to Florida, a neighbor who saw the Marine decal on my car began sending me links to what were blatant, hateful lies about Democrats. Another time, while at the gun range, a fellow shooter looked at my Marine cap and said, “I bet you’d rather be shooting at a silhouette of Obama.” My responses were sharp, but given their assumptions, were justified.

I think about anger in America and try to explore its roots, and at the end of the day, it all comes down to personal economics—the alienation of the 17% who are unemployed or have given up looking. They provide the tinder for angry public discourse. The gap between the common good and the corporate conscience grows wider each day. In other words, corporate profits trump “what is good for America.” Many major U.S. corporations now have workforces dominated by foreigners. Whose interests do they serve? And as we have seen, Wall Street churns money for the benefit of the few and the despair of many.

A corporate oligarchy now rules America and has no interest in bettering the plight of the disappearing line worker or the small business owner. I suspect that the new Tea Party members in Congress will be gobbled up by the system and will have only a marginal impact on the juggernaut of special interests that, in actuality, run this country and, incidentally, are running it into the ground.

Government and business should be addressing a number of major issues in this country, e.g.: (1) infrastructure, e.g., roads and bridges, railroads, the electrical grid; (2) structural unemployment, i.e., retraining of the workforce to replace jobs that are never coming back; (3) basics in education (including much-diminished humanities curricula); (4) and admit that democracy isn’t for everyone and let foreign belligerents fight their own battles (and in tandem, reduce military expenditures substantially). I see only token progress, if at all, on any of these issues. Good luck, America.

China Running Out of Oxygen

2011-01-03T08:54:00.002-05:00

China Running Out of Oxygen

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Premier Wen Jiabao of China, in a nationally televised address, called on his countrymen to consume less oxygen: “We are facing a critical point in the Peoples’ Revolution,” said Jiabao. “For us to continue on the shining path toward world domination, we must rein in the consumption of this vital resource. Our smelting plants have seen their efficiency decline by 15 percent because of a corresponding drop in atmospheric oxygen, which now stands at 18 percent, not the normal 21 percent.”

To restore atmospheric oxygen to its pre-revolutionary level, several major reforms will be put in place. Ordinary citizens will be allowed ten breaths per minute, instead of the normal fifteen. Exceptions will be made for athletes, speakers at political rallies, and those engaged in sexual activity. Cigarette consumption will be reduced to four packs per day per person, down from the normal six. Nicotine content in the popular brand, Zhong Nan Hai, will be doubled to calm frazzled nerves as a result of reduced puffing.

China’s EPA chief, Chou Em Doun, claims that the problem began during the Ming Dynasty, when the Great Wall was completed: “The wall much too high and brocks flesh air from Manchuria and Siberia. It should be air-rifted to Beijing and turned into theme park.” When the interviewer raised the possibility that China’s huge number of coal-burning power plants might be using up the oxygen, Doun replied, “You been on the pipe too much getting high. Here, have a Hai instead.”

In a related development, McKinsey, the global consulting firm, revealed that China’s move to install giant wind farms for “green” electricity is a ruse. They are in reality fan farms whose purpose is to pull down fresh air from the north.

Breton Sets Date for U.S. Revolution

2011-01-01T10:59:00.004-05:00

Breton Sets Date for U.S. Revolution

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Anarchist Liam Breton of Tampa announced that he has settled on a date to foment rebellion in the lower 48 states. Alaska and Hawaii are not to be included because he only has 8,200 points in his frequent-flyer program. Breton’s inspiration for the rebellion came from his uncanny resemblance to Владимир Ленин (Vladimir Lenin).

In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, Breton said, “I figure April 3 would be good, because that’s the date that Lenin arrived at the Finland Station in Petrograd in 1917. If I take an Amtrak train from Tampa on April second, I’ll be in Penn Station by 7:32 in the evening on the third, just in time to catch an off-Broadway show. Stomp might be good—get me in the mood, you know. I’ve already lined up the Altones, a quartet from my community, Snobis Birdis Terra, to sing the Marseille when I step off the train.”

When pressed by Blitzer to reveal the purpose of the revolution, Breton pulled out a 300-page manifesto, along with his sub-prime mortgage, that he will have copied and laid at the doorways of Goldman Sachs, the stock exchanges, and other financial centers in New York. “If I’m lucky, one of those Wall Street thieves will trip over the damn pile.”

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, at a hastily called news conference in Washington, said that she was aware of the Breton threat: “Breton’s been under surveillance ever since he refused to bend over during a cavity check at Tampa Airport last month, despite the fact that we’ve installed smiley-face tiles in the inspection area. Plus, the TSA gal offered to check his prostate while in there as part of a special offer I put in place recently.”

God Announces 2011 Angel Quota

2010-11-16T10:48:00.005-05:00

Two angels from 2009 quota

God Announces 2011 Angel Quota

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Bryant Wright, President of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today that a committee of fellow pastors recently completed a conference call with God. Preliminary results from this confab indicate that God will require 52,000 new angels in 2011. The age limit of 5, imposed by Emperor Constantine in 335 C.E., will continue in force.

“God was calling for twice that number,” said Wright, “but we convinced Him that the lower figure would be sufficient.” When asked where the new angels would come from, Wright replied, “Half will come from sub-Sahara Africa. They get bleached once they pass through the Pearly Gates, so they can be any color.”

The pastors expressed some concern that Heaven might be getting overcrowded. God reassured them that this was impossible, since Heaven was flat and only ten miles square. The oldest angels are routinely pushed over the edge where they enjoy eternal peace in Oblivion, the last stop for believers.

Pressed as to whether there were angels assembled in Heaven from other parts of the universe, God admitted that one alien group was en route and was to arrive during Hanukkah on December 4, which upset several in the Baptist group. “Why couldn’t God delay their arrival until December 25th?” asked Rev. Jimmy Bob Haggler from Pascagoula, Mississippi. “The Jews get all the breaks and even get credit for the fact that Jesus was a rabbi.”

Apparently, the alien angels are from a planet circling Delta Clitori, some 11-million light years from Earth and 6-billion light years from Heaven. To keep them occupied, the children’s program and intergalactic favorite, Teletubbies©, runs continuously. Another group from Alpha Viagri is scheduled to arrive on Easter Sunday, much to the relief of the pastors.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves to China

2010-11-12T08:01:00.007-05:00

Engineer Ingvold Aibinstuggen pin-testing his latest design

Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves to China

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Not unexpectedly, the Autsch Pin Company announced today that it will move its manufacturing operations to China. CEO Arvid Lindstrom cited a shrinking labor force in Bagville, Minnesota where the company is headquartered. “Young people just don’t seem turned on by pins like they were when I graduated college. They’d rather get a degree in fine arts and flip burgers in an urban cesspool like St. Cloud.”

Lindstrom continued, “Several years ago, an attempt was made to change our city’s name from Bagville to Pinville which was felt to be much more apropos ever since the Lebensmittelgeschäft Bag Company pulled up stakes and moved to Dubai. But then we found a 40-year supply of envelopes in the city hall basement with ‘Bagville’ printed on them, so the mayor decided to withdraw a proposed referendum.”

R&D will remain in Bagville, where Autsch product designers have begun work on an Ouch-Less Pin®, which features a blunt instead of pointed tip. When asked if this would defeat the pin’s purpose, design engineer Ingvold Aibinstuggen replied, “We still have a lot of work to do, but I feel confident that the future of this business lies in being ouch-less. Look what it did for Johnson & Johnson and their Band-Aides.”

Several years ago, the Science Channel came to Bagville to film a feature on pin-making for its program, “How It's Made.” However, program director Herb Ennui said that no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get the segment to run more than 45 seconds. “It seems that thin wire goes in one end of a machine, and a pin comes out the other,” said Ennui. “Maybe the ouch-less pin will give us something more to work with.”

Republicans Begin Search for New War

2010-11-05T12:12:00.002-04:00

Republicans Begin Search for New War

By Bill Britton

Buoyed by the Republican Party’s victories in the mid-term elections, likely House Speaker John (“Weepy”) Boehner (R-Ohio) pledged to find a new war for America: “Let’s face it,” said Boehner, “The American people became totally bored by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. We need to rouse them out of their lethargy.”

When reminded that those two wars were still ongoing, Boehner replied, “What happened to ‘Mission Accomplished’? I must be spending too much time on the golf course. I’ll have to have a TV screen installed in my tanning bed so I can catch up during cocktail hour. I’m a multitasker, you know.”

Although Iran seems an obvious choice, neocon Richard Perle, who did such a superb job fabricating an excuse to invade Iraq, has a short list that includes Iceland and Grenada. Perle justified both choices by saying, “Iceland has no standing army, so it would be easy pickings. And what an emotional lift it would be for the U.S. public to see our Marines once again storming the beaches of Grenada.”

A GAO report confirmed that both operations would add only $30 to $40 billion to the budget. These funds could be offset easily by cutting the food stamp budget. Tea Party senator-elect Rand Paul (KY) agreed: “Cutting the food stamp program makes sense. The beneficiaries of the program are too fat anyway. The overall health of the country would definitely improve.”

In a related story, Tea Party rising star Christine O’Donnell, who lost in the Delaware Senate race, is early favorite to be Sarah Palin’s choice as Secretary of State after Palin wins the presidency in 2012. Said Palin, “Chrissie is highly qualified. She just needs to sign up for a few political science courses at Delaware County Community College.”

Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done

2010-11-02T14:02:00.007-04:00

Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Excited by Republican/Tea Party wins in Tuesday’s midterm elections, televangelist Pat Robertson has decided to expand 700 Club membership by offering free tickets on the Rapture Express. The Rapture Express is similar in design to Noah’s Ark, but instead of animal stalls, the vessel is outfitted with luxury staterooms.

Guest host Terry Meeuwsen is in charge of the overall decorating scheme and has promised “a tasteful combination of scenes from Mel Gibson’s ‘The Passion of the Christ,’ which depicts the final hours of our Lord’s agony on the Cross.” The Rapture Express will incorporate a window in the bottom of the hull through which the saved can view those Left Behind.

Membership in the 700 Club starts at $250 per year. Upgrades on the Rapture Express include several penthouses being offered at the discounted price of $9,000. Checks should be made out to P. Robertson and addressed to Acct. 42-8996-37, CH-8098 Zurich (Switzerland).

Robertson talked to Jesus recently who assured him that his Second Coming was imminent: “But before I return, I must get the nasty business of the Tribulation out of the way, those seven years where anyone who chooses not to follow me before the Rapture will experience disaster, pain, and suffering, which will wipe out 75% of all life on the earth. Sort of like the Inquisition, but a hell of a lot worse.”

First responders to this offer include several prominent names in the Tea Party movement: Sarah Palin, Delaware’s Christine O'Donnell, South Carolina’s Jim DeMint, and Nevada’s Sharron Angle. Ms. O’Donnell is a recently reformed witch who has pledged that her “coven will be given over to the Lord, despite the fact that He screwed me out of the Senate seat in Delaware.”

Former BP CEO Receives New Brain

2010-09-03T16:18:00.004-04:00

Former BP CEO Receives New Brain

By Bill Britton

BP's former CEO, Tony Hayward, received a new brain on Friday after the original was found to be functioning at only 20 percent of typical brain capacity. The new brain came from a donor described by Hayward's doctors as a "twenty-something manager of a McDonald's who suffered a heart attack while refilling a Fryolator."

Chief surgeon Ernest Cutter noted an immediate improvement in Hayward's cognitive abilities. He can now make change in denominations of up to ten dollars and is able to distinguish between a Quarter Pounder and a Big Mac. He is still unsure as to the difference between a Big Mac and a Big 'N Tasty, but that is expected to be resolved within the next week.

Hayward also has difficulty determining the difference between motor oil and the canola oil used to cook McDonald's French fries, which led to an altercation between him and the franchise's manager, Spuds Borey. The matter was complicated by the intervention of several customers who claimed that Hayward's new French fry recipe imparted "a more robust flavor" to this McDonald's staple.

Although a spokesperson for McDonald's would not comment on the nutritional value of motor oil, Josh Hoodliwink of the American Petroleum Institute said, "Most oil workers consume various petroleum products as a regular part of their diet. We encourage the residents of the Gulf Coast to do the same, instead of complaining about a few tar balls stuck to their toes. By the way, those tar balls make a terrific charcoal lighter for the family barbeque."

Hayward is expected to be retained by BP and is to lead a fact-finding panel, which will attempt to assign blame for the Gulf oil spill on a temporary worker from Guatemala.

Afghanistan War Logs: The Musical

2010-08-05T10:13:00.001-04:00

Afghanistan War Logs: The Musical

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Andrew Lloyd Weber, whose smash hit, Phantom of the Opera, continues to set records on the world’s stages, has agreed to compose the musical score for The New York Times best-seller, Afghanistan War Logs. “The material is great,” said Weber. “Plus there is no shortage of talent in the Pentagon. There are any number of song-and-dance men among the senior staff who have expressed interest in auditioning.”

General David Petraeus, commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, was asked during an interview in Kabul whether he would audition. “Yes, I’m thinking seriously of taking on the lead role. I’ve always been great at anything I’ve attempted and would likely use my high school nickname, ‘Peaches,’ as my stage name.”

The Pentagon reported that General Petreus sings in the choir at Washington’s Church of the Fabricated Annunciation, which made headlines recently when parishioner Lady Gaga led a holy roll through the church’s Gethsemane Garden. A few pansies were crushed, but all the threatened lawsuits were subsequently dropped.

At his weekly briefing, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was elated: “I see this as a great opportunity to tell the story of the American fighting man from a new perspective. With a few catchy tunes, the plight of the soldiers and Marines in the trenches won’t seem so bad. You can get all the blood and mayhem you want playing video games. Let’s bring a little joy into the lives of the American people and leave the violence where it belongs—in some Third World cesspool.”

Outside the St. James Theater in New York City, where the musical American Idiot is now playing, theatergoer Betty Noire summed up the reaction of the crowd: “I mean, where is Afghanistan anyway? In Canada?”

Canada Places New Restrictions on Use of "eh?"

2010-08-01T15:53:00.004-04:00

Canada Places New Restrictions on Use of "eh?"

By Bill Britton

Canada's Culture Minister Kevin Krueger today announced that Canadians will no longer be allowed to use the expression "eh?" with abandon: "I believe that this linguistic identifier places Canadians at a disadvantage in the English-speaking world, eh? Plus, Canadian expatriate comedians like Dan Aykroyd, Martin Short, and John Candy-he's now gone, thank God-have turned us all into a nation of bumpkins by glorifying its use, eh?"

Krueger is to establish guidelines that will go into effect in the New Year. The particulars depend on the outcome of a months-long debate in Parliament over whether such use should be limited to sixes or sevens. "Personally, I think it should be done in steps, beginning with the present 102 average uses per day and moving it down by two each month, eh? We'd have the problem cashed in three years, and wouldn't cost a loonie, eh?"

Québec premier, Jean Charest, suggested it would make more sense to say, "I have to go to ze loo, oui? zan, I have to go to ze loo, eh?" Krueger countered by saying, "Charest's got himself in a kerfluffle over this. Either that or he's had one mickey too many. He should stick to making poutine for his wife and three kids."

NYSE Podium Deserted at Close

2010-08-01T15:52:00.001-04:00

NYSE Podium Deserted at Close

By Bill Britton

Confusion reigned on Wall Street when New York Stock Exchange (NYSE.com) CEO Duncan L. Niederauer could not be reached for comment after no one mounted the stock exchange podium to ring the closing bell on Wednesday. This tradition, complete with celebrity guests, has become a media event for companies that wish to highlight their successes in the marketplace.
After a delay of 20 minutes, custodian Emil Fosdick was seen being pushed onto the podium by armed security guards, screaming, "Why me? Why me?" Fosdick finally struck the bell with a toilet brush, much to the relief of floor traders, several of whom had smashed their Blackberries in frustration.

NYSE Vice President Joseph Mecane expressed dismay at the embarrassment: "I had Angelina Jolie lined up to join executives from General Motors on the podium, but their corporate jet was repossessed minutes before boarding the plane in Detroit. Then we asked the Revlon people to fill in, but they refused, seeing that Jolie had a contract with Shiseido Cosmetics."

Jim Cramer of CNBC's "Mad Money" said on his Thursday program that investors should not be alarmed. He also reiterated his earlier recommendation to buy Bear Stearns stock. When reminded that Bear Stearns suffered huge losses and was now a part of JP Morgan Chase, Cramer replied, "I never meant that Bear Stearns. I was referring to a toy company in China."

OMB's Orszag: Sacrifices Will Be Made

2010-08-01T15:50:00.001-04:00

OMB's Orszag: Sacrifices Will Be Made

By Bill Britton

USA Today reported that the percentage of federal workers who make more than $100,000 increased from 14 percent to 19 percent during the first eighteen months of the recession. Peter Orszag, Director of the Office of Management and Budget (OMB), said, "We've all had to make sacrifices at the federal level during these difficult economic times. We originally had a target of 25 percent just to keep up with Wall Street, but Congress felt that 19 percent would better reflect the Administration's intention to get serious about government spending."

Chico Meatornillan, head caretaker at Vice President Joe Biden's residence, located on the grounds of the United States Naval Observatory, responded angrily to this reporter's question about his two assistant's salaries: "Sure my cousin José is OK at $119,000 a year, but his son José, or Hose-B as we like to call him-he's in charge of winding up the garden hoses-is only making $79,000. How can you live on that and still have fourteen kids?"

One government department that will see its share of $100,000-plus workers increase substantially is the National Weather Service. Director Dr. John L. Hayes said to this reporter that "My guys and gals deserve it. They've increased the accuracy of the agency's 3-day forecasts to 6 percent, up from a measly 5 percent during the Bush Administration. Now you can plan your weekend with the certainty that it will be sunny, or maybe not, depending on what El Niño, or La Niña, or whatever the heck's out there right now, is doing. Excuse me, but the duck paté served with tapanade, cornichons, herb Dijon mustard, and housemade chutney that I had at L'Auberge Provençale last night just kicked in my dyslexia. But what a deal at $129 for two!"

Cheney Signs on Water Dowser to Find WMD

2010-08-01T15:48:00.002-04:00

Cheney Signs on Water Dowser to Find WMD

By Bill Britton

Former Vice President Dick Cheney outlined a new strategy to find former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's WMD programs, which Cheney says "will justify the ten-year war." Ernest Quilby, a farmer from Gnosall Heath (UK), and a world-renown dowser, will be airlifted to Baghdad where he will begin applying his skills. "Quilby represents the cutting edge of an approach devised by Junior Bush and me," Cheney said. "It might seem low-tech, but in Britain dowsers locate everything from lost wedding rings to ancient Roman walls."

A call to Quilby found him in the midst of his latest project, finding additional remains of Piltdown man, an alleged primitive hominid found in Sussex, England, in 1912. When told that this discovery proved to be a hoax, Quilby responded, "Oh no, not a hoax at all, lad. In that same quarry where Pilty was found, some local folk found the missing link between turtles and chickens, a queer thing with a feathered shell and thin legs, but in all other respects, a turtle."

When asked if he'd talked with Cheney, Quilby responded, "Dicky's quite a young lad. I believe he's going places. A get-up-and-goer, as we say around here." Asked if he was confident of finding WMD, Quilby said, "My dowsing rod rarely lets me down. After 55 years of dowsing, its accuracy is better than 97%. The secret is simply to follow it around like an old dog. The younger dowsers try too hard."

Quilby seemed unfazed by his new "project," as he calls it. "No raggie-head A-rab is clever enough to fool old Quilby. If it's buried, I'll find it, unless it's deeper than nine feet. That's me limit, but if there's a pint of bitters hidden in the sand, then there's no limit," he chuckled.

Good News for Vietnam-Era Veterans

2010-08-01T15:45:00.002-04:00

Good News for Vietnam-Era Veterans

By Bill Britton

Special to INS - A Florida Vietnam-era veteran was surprised recently when he applied for Social Security. Solomon Dullhed found that he would receive a supplement to his regular award of $1,320 per month. "Wow, was I excited. After plugging in my time in service of four years, I was told that I would receive an additional $10 per month. It's great to know that the government is looking out for you."

When asked about his service in Vietnam, Dullhed replied, "Oh, I never went there. Never got shot at-nothing. But I guess the guys who did get a heck of a lot more than that." After being told that, no, the typical supplement was $10 per month, Bratton felt that Congress would soon remedy this disparity.

But one local Veterans Administration executive, who requested anonymity for fear of being waterboarded, said, "We constantly hear how much Congress cares about our military, but the truth is that Congress is only interested in maximizing bang for the buck. The care here [in our hospital] is excellent and the staff is outstanding-but we've recently been told to institute triage for wounded veterans."

When queried, Department of Defense spokesperson Ruth Lesson said that the new triage system is defined as (1) those who can walk and still have a trigger finger (with the option of reenlisting as a rifleman); (2) those who can't walk but still have a trigger finger (with the option of reenlisting as a tank gunner); and (3) those who can't walk and are missing their trigger fingers (with the option of reenlisting as a recruiter).

U.S. Treasury to Issue “Two-Fers”

2010-06-22T10:04:00.000-04:00

U.S. Treasury to Issue “Two-Fers”

By Bill Britton

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to bolster the economy, the Treasury Department authorized the nation’s banks to issue “two-fers.” Beginning Monday, all account withdrawals will in effect be doubled, or “double-downed,” as Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke preferred to describe the initiative. In an interview with NPR’s Cokie Roberts, the secretary said, “This program will double the purchasing power of all Americans, from impoverished A.I.G. executives to the illegal aliens who trim their hedges.”

When reminded that it could result in 100-percent inflation overnight, Bernanke replied, “Yes, that might be true. But just think: a $600 bottle of fine French wine would in reality only cost $300. And all that inventory piling up at Nieman’s and on Mercedes Benz dealer lots would be cleaned out. Plus I’d have to add a third shift at the printing office just to keep up with the demand for new banknotes. The impact on the unemployed will be tremendous. To supply the needed cotton for these bills, ragpicking could become a growth industry.”

This program is the latest in a string of proposals to cure the nation’s financial woes. “Look what the easy availability of money did for Germany during the Great Depression,” said Bernanke. “Granted, Germans were carting paper money home in wheelbarrows because of hyperinflation, but they beat the crap out of Europe in short order just a few years later.”

If successful, the two-fer approach might be extended to toxic assets held by the nation’s banks, assets that were purchased by the federal government for $1 trillion. “Why not offer these assets, essentially homes, at two for the price of one?” said Bernanke in his weekly press conference. “It’s better than having our highly regarded financial institutions go down the drain.”

Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State

2010-06-22T10:00:00.002-04:00

New Flag

Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State

By Bill Britton

WASHINGTON, DC — In an interview with Larry King on CNN, White House Adviser Rahm Emanuel hinted that Afghanistan would become the fifty-first state soon after the country is democratized. “It will be a mutually beneficial relationship,” Emanuel said. “The people of Afghanistan are excited about their impending statehood.” Asked about how they felt about the U.S. war effort, Emanuel responded, “The Afghani people have enough sense to stay away from targeted areas. Besides, who wants to live next to a terrorist camp? That’s not particularly good for your long-term health.”

When King wondered what form of government the fifty-first state might take, Emanuel said, “I think we’d use the Louisiana model with parishes instead of counties, but they’d be called mosquettes so as not to offend the populace. I can see actor Johnny Depp finishing up his career as governor of our new state, a soft and cuddly version of bin Laden. Sort of looks like General MacArthur. And you know how the Japs came to love Doug. At least that’s the image we want to project.”

Emanuel continued, “We have to give these folks a whole new identity. President Obama had a great idea the other day by suggesting that Afghanistan be renamed Texistan. Kind of bring together the people of Afghanistan and the people of Texas through all they have in common—oil, submissive women, cocaine trafficking, highly religious closet drinkers—a great idea.”

Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke was less sanguine. “This could be the cost that breaks the bank. We’d have to replace the 240 thousand 50-star flags located on federal property. And, since they’re all made in China, that change would increase our trade deficit by five million dollars, unless we can get a better deal through Walmart.”

Murdoch Parties with Filthy at Oyster Bay Estate

2010-06-22T09:58:00.000-04:00

Murdoch Parties with Filthy at Oyster Bay Estate

By Bill Britton

SPECIAL TO INS — On Thursday, more than 100 filthy people from Long Island were treated to a luncheon hosted by Fox News CEO Rupert Murdoch. The festivities were held in a corner of Murdoch’s estate normally used by his dog, Hypocrite. In an effort to make the participants feel at home, newly discarded Frigidaire cartons were arranged tastefully on the pee-spot-marked turf. Baked chitlins à l’orange and turnips-sans-dirt served as the main course, along with heaps of day-old bread and tubs of Kool-Aid fortified with Sterno. The meal ended with a delightful sorbet made from recycled fish-market ice and jug wine.

Murdoch’s appearance after dessert was greeted by the assembled guests with much enthusiasm. “This is a great moment for compassionate conservatism,” exclaimed Sean Hannity, Fox News’ second in command of the Fake News Division and event MC. “You will no longer suffer under the Obama label of ‘the homeless.’ From this day forward, you will be known, at least in Oyster Bay, as simply ‘The Filthy.’ This afternoon, you will be herded to temporary quarters near a Long Island Expressway interchange.”

Seven cattle cars are being converted to house The Filthy. Former Secretary of HUD, Mel Martinez, assured the gathering that the cars are “sound and watertight.” His mother-in-law will have the honor of taking up residence in Space 1 on Car 1.

Hannity closed the celebration with a rousing salute to the filthy. “You are America’s true heartland. So let’s lift up our cups and give three cheers for our host, Rupert!” The festivities ended with Rev. Pat Robertson's stirring benediction, which compared The Filthy with the children of Israel, sort of.

Top Commander in Afghanistan Replaced by Sergeant

2010-06-22T09:55:00.000-04:00

Top Commander in Afghanistan Replaced by Sergeant

By Bill Britton

General Stanley A. McChrystal, the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, was forced to step down from his post today. His replacement, Master Sergeant Goober Heap, will assume his duties immediately. McChrystal’s position became untenable after he gave the “bird” to Vice President Biden, U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan, Karl Eikenberry, and an unnamed minister in the French government. McChrystal’s conduct was exposed in an article that appeared in a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine.

“We cannot have a hired gun like McChrystal giving the bird to members of this Administration,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “The French, yes, and it’s OK to flip one when Senator Man Tan [Rep. John Boehner, R-OH] walks by. After all, Boehner, or Big Boner as we prefer to call him in the White House, does it to the President all the time. One of the President’s goals is to bring more civility to Washington.”

McChrystal was interviewed by this reporter at his retreat in Bladensburg, MD, where he was found cleaning a 155-mm howitzer. “Yeah, I picked up this baby in Kuwait. It’s a bit rusty, but I figure once it’s tidied up, I’ll test her out with a few dummy rounds. Has a range of 16,350 yards, you know—about from here to downtown D.C.”

Sergeant Heap was somewhat confused by his new appointment: “Who the [bleep’s] supposed to salute who? I’m up to my [bleepin’] ass in [bleepin’] majors and [bleepin’] colonels who earn ribbons sittin’ on their [bleepin’] butts playing with each other. Meanwhile, I’m on my fourth [bleepin’] tour in [bleepin’] turbanland with a new [bleepin’] baby at home that looks like the [bleepin’] Tasty Freeze man.”

Larry King, rumored to be still alive, will interview Sergeant Heap on his show this week.

Obesity: A Cure for Climate Change?

2010-06-22T09:53:00.000-04:00

Obesity: A Cure for Climate Change?

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released the results of a study that sees worldwide obesity as key to reducing carbon emissions and halting climate change. Spokesman Offenscus Contradiscu said that “. . . the amount of carbon that the world population could capture by each adult putting on, say, 100 pounds is tremendous. Of that, 18 pounds is carbon. Multiply that by an adult population of 4 billion and, presto, 72-billion pounds, or 36-million tons, captured.”

Bernhard Snufsdenhendsenson, a reporter from Norway, pointed out that this would amount to only a tiny fraction of carbon emitted by motor vehicles, buildings, and industry each year. This resulted in a heated exchange between Snufsdenhendsenson and Contradiscu, which ended when Contradiscu sat his 350-pound bulk on Snufsdenhendsenson and screamed, “Magre er ikke bety!” (“Lean is not mean!”).

A flushed Contradiscu later suggested that the proposed weight gains might have to be ratcheted up and could be extended to children. Snufsdenhendsenson countered by saying, “The negative effects from this undertaking would be significant: Airline seat widths would have to be increased, reducing passenger capacity. Walmart would have to buy larger shopping baskets and establish a one-way policy for its aisles. And where would the additional Twinkies come from?”

Monsanto, whose genetically modified seed corn has a virtual monopoly on corn production, was elated. “This is a great opportunity,” said Monsanto’s CEO. “Our biggest customers, farmers who grow for Archer Daniels Midland [ADM], have our phones ringing off the hook, saying that soda bottlers like Coke and bakers like Entenmann’s are clamoring for more high-fructose corn syrup to satisfy demand. And look at the impact on manufacturers of diabetes drugs. Eli Lilly is up 8 percent on the IPCC recommendation.”

Moose Fever Grips the Nation

2010-06-22T09:51:00.001-04:00

Moose Fever Grips the Nation

By Bill Britton

In the wake of Sarah Palin’s continuing surge in popularity following the 2008 election, the nation has been caught up in “moose mania.” Images of Palin hovering over a moose kill in Alaska have electrified the NRA’s membership. Bumper stickers saying “I Killed a Moose for God” are proliferating across the land. Lines hundreds long are forming outside of hunting license outlets in the Northeast and Alaska for permits to kill a moose.

Palin has stoked the mania by offering up her recipes for moose stew and moose-steak tartare. “No chocolate-chip recipes from this babe,” Palin shouted before thousands of adoring fans at a Tea Party rally in Ohio. “My long-term goal is to open up my home state to unrestricted oil drilling and hunting. You’re all invited! Party time on the tundra! BP rules!”

Despite the P.A. system breaking down, Palin was heard loud and clear. “What a voice,” one onlooker exclaimed. Palin was then carried away above the crowd to her waiting limousine in what had turned into a 1980s-style mosh pit.

The scene has been repeated at rallies across America, although several have been disrupted by grandmothers wearing Bullwinkle masks, shouting, “Palin’s a stinky! Save our Bull-winkie! / It’s back to Wasilla for Palin the killer!”

Lost in all the confusion was groupie John McCain, whose murmured words were barely heard by a few stragglers still standing in front of the stadium after the rally: “Drill, Drill, Drill! Kill, Kill, Kill!” He was later seen wandering aimlessly in the parking lot, muttering, “Where the hell are my Secret-Service agents? What state is this?”

Florida Homeowners’ Association Bans Dead Leaves

2010-06-09T12:43:00.000-04:00

Florida Homeowners’ Association Bans Dead Leaves

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Pierre Saber, president of the Verde Dandé Homeowners’ Association, a 55+ community on Florida’s Gulf Coast, announced that the VD board of directors has passed a series of innovative by-laws designed to protect the community’s home values. “We see the dead-leaf issue as one that has plagued the community for years,” said Saber. “Of course dead palm fronds are unsightly as well, and like all dead things, they should be given a proper Christian burial. To this end, the association has purchased vacant lot 35, now designated Special Holy Interment Terrain, or SHIT for short.”

Other by-laws changes include these measures: reducing maximum grass height from 3.87 to 3.66 inches, prohibiting residents from wearing or playing Grateful Dead-related material between 10:00 pm and 8:00 am, prohibiting topless or bottomless (or both) swimming in residents’ pools unless the participants have a body-mass index (BMI) of less than 25, and requiring residents to install speed bumps in driveways.

A referendum to determine homeowner approval of the new by-laws found 57% in favor, 46% against, and 33% undecided (22% made two or more selections). Eighty-eight-year-old Levi Troll, a former Navy captain and chairman of the HOA’s Nitti Gritty Committee, which formulated the changes, expressed his reaction to the vote: “This is an example of oligarchy in action. I see this as a new beginning for Verde Dandé. At the next committee meeting, I’m going to propose that all 139 homes in the community be painted battleship grey and that razor wire be strung around its borders to keep out undesirables like alligators, kids, and Democrats.”

Google Names YouTube Spin-Offs

2010-06-09T12:41:00.000-04:00

Google Names YouTube Spin-Offs

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Chief economist at Google, Hal Varian, announced that YouTube, acquired by the search-engine giant in 2007, will spin off a separate entity, YouCrap, to deal with the increased flood of home videos uploaded to its servers. “We want to differentiate newsworthy material from the ton of crappy stuff we get every second of the day,” said Varian. “We felt we had to distinguish things like Japanese toilet pranks and skateboard disasters from worthwhile videos like Lady Gaga and her sparking bra. YouCrap will satisfy the insatiable demand of video contributors who love to bore the crap out of each other—hence the name.”

If successful, other spin-offs could evolve, including YouBoobs, YouButt, YouIncoherentRanting, and YouOffkeySinging, among others. YouWhatsWithJacquesDerrida was dropped after it was determined that such a subset would match the interests of YouIncoherentRanting’s viewership. However, some potential was seen with niche categories such as YouWienerWolfing, YouBulimiaBarfing, YouWalmartWaddler, and other diet-related abnormalities.

Varian expanded on his company’s philosophy, saying, “As with all Google initiatives, the YouTube spin-offs will be in beta mode indefinitely. In this way, we can improve the crap that pays and ditch the rest. For example, there’s a natural synergy between YouBoob and the bra and plastics industries, a mélange that envelops both the A- and B-cup gals and their significant others, particularly those with penile implants. We expect ancillary revenues from ad tie-ins to expand dramatically in parallel with the increased dimensions of nation’s breasts and male members.”

Sales of Attack Chipmunks Rise

2010-06-09T12:38:00.000-04:00

Sales of Attack Chipmunks Rise

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Wall Street Journal reported that sales of attack chipmunks increased dramatically in 2009. It estimates that more than 270 thousand of the small rodents have been purchased by Americans in response to terrorist threats since 2001. Moose Rodin, president of Incisors-for-Hire©, said that his operation near Waco, Texas trained and sold 2,200 packs of the vicious animals in the past two years. (Attack chipmunks are generally sold in packs of 10.)

“We expect to double our sales in 2010,” said Rodin. “Their extremely territorial nature allows us to re-channel that aspect of their persona into a kind of take-no-prisoners attitude when it comes to fending off intruders and terrorists. In fact, I’ve just signed a contract with the Defense Department to provide 100 ChipPacks® for Marines in Afghanistan, where they’ll be used to secure defensive perimeters in remote areas.”

A tour of Rodin’s facility by Giuseppe Nunzio of INS was an eye-opener. “I always thought of chipmunks as cute little acorn-eaters,” reported Nunzio. “First I went through the chipmunk barracks, where cagefuls of the little brutes reared up and snarled at me, gnashing out with their razor-sharp yellow teeth. Then I went to the training area where drill instructors ran them though an obstacle course and had them attack robed-and-turbaned dummies. Of course, they spend hours conditioning on spinning treadmills. It was quite impressive.”

Celebrities and other notables are major purchasers. Ellen DeGeneres has more than ten packs, all of which sleep with her. Rush Limbaugh tried a pack, but his insistence that they share his rigid diet of goose-liver pâté and Fritos led to their premature deaths from heart attack and stroke.

60Minutes will air a segment devoted attack chipmunks in late 2010.

NIH: Iceberg Lettuce “Useless”

2010-06-09T12:36:00.000-04:00

NIH: Iceberg Lettuce “Useless”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — During his weekly press briefing, Gerhard Veracity, a spokesman for the National Institutes of Health (NIH), said that consuming iceberg lettuce is a “useless exercise in mastication” and that you “might as well eat wet wallboard, unless it’s made in China in which case it’s loaded with certain vital nutrients that come from duck-farm manure used as a binding agent.” When reminded that Chinese wallboard has been found to be toxic because of high levels of heavy metals, Veracity replied, “True, true, but a related study found that it builds strong teeth, although the side effect of phosphorescence is somewhat alarming.”

R. Greenleaf Crisp, president of the National Iceberg Lettuce League (NILL), countered Veracity’s claim during the league’s annual conference held in Salinas, California. “Iceberg lettuce forms the foundation of the American salad bowl. It’s flavorless and, except for the outer leaves, is almost colorless, which means that it doesn’t interfere with the magic of a Wishbone or Newman’s salad dressing topped with a generous portion of Bacos, all of which have nutritive value, except for those things on their labels dreamed up by the boys at ADM that nobody can pronounce.”

Roger I. Wilcome, dietary guru to numerous Hollywood celebrities, was found with two Rock Hudson look-a-likes in the Dionysus Inn on Vine Street. “The NIH is bent on wrecking my livelihood, and right after receiving stimulus money from the Feds. I’ve been pushing iceberg lettuce for years, saying it led one down the path to colonic health. ‘Bigger Heads for Better Health’ is on all my scented stationary. Look at Chad and Winslow here. Have you ever seen smoother skin? It’s all because they gobble nothing but the best heads.”

Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”

2010-06-09T12:32:00.001-04:00

Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Fox News’ Glenn Beck announced the results of a week-long conference he organized to find a way to deal with oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico from the destroyed BP drilling rig: “The best long-term solution would be to drain all the water from the Gulf of Mexico so that the oil can be recovered with minimal damage to the ecosystem while at the same time ensuring BP’s profitability. BP could then, of course, run a pipeline directly to a Louisiana refinery. Just think—oystermen and shrimpers could harvest their catch using farmers’ combines instead of having to risk their lives on the water.”

The benefits to all concerned are obvious, claimed Beck, who has been in touch with Dick Cheney, former chair of Halliburton. “Dick told me that the way to expedite the whole operation would be to tender a no-bid contract to Halliburton, since his former company perfected this business method in the early decades of the Iraq war. He has assured me that a levee could be built between the Florida Everglades and the Cancun, Mexico in a matter of weeks. Then it’s simply a matter of getting that creepy governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, to position the state’s fire trucks along the levee and pump all the water out of the Gulf.”

One concern is the fact that illegal aliens would have additional access to hundreds of miles of coastal America’s borders, plus the question was raised about what to do with the continuing flow of water from the Mississippi River. “No problem,” countered Beck. “We could just direct that water up the Rio Grande. That ditch has been damn-near dry for 50 years anyway. Help with the illegals nuisance too.”

Goin’ Back to Ocracoke

2010-05-08T07:43:00.001-04:00

Goin’ Back to Ocracoke

By Bill Britton

Each spring I heed the sand dunes’ call and pack the campin’ gear:
the best Dead discs, the fishin’ poles, a case or two of beer.
The risin’ sun draws me south to sandy isles they named
the Outer Banks where Teach’s wealth lies buried and unclaimed.
I cross the bridge at Currituck with Kitty Hawk in view
and one eye out for state police who thirst for revenue.

Goin’ back to Ocracoke, the land of goodsome folks
who look on summer lads like me as migratory jokes.
Dingbatters all, we try our best to mummock them the least,
but quamished looks reveal the fact we’ve driven too far east.

Pea Island’s sign reminds me soon of liquids drunk en route.
I stop to ease my achin’ gut midst poison ivy shoots.
The itch won’t start to drive me mad until a night has passed,
then calamine and sea-salt soaks will lend relief at last.
I wave at Avon, Buxton too, and Frisco’s scalawags,
then charter boats at Hatteras wave back at me with flags.
I rumble ‘cross the ferry ramp onto the steel-plate decks
and weave between the channel gates and shoals designed for wrecks.
I dash down 12, the first car off, “Hello, Molasses Creek,”
mosquito hoardes a-lyin’ low, a-honin’ bloody beaks.
The campground sign spurs me on, the village is close by,
my cubes of ice a mem’ry now, my beer as hot as pie.
The V’riety Store glows in mist, I slow to twenty per
and nudge my sleepy soulmate who is growlin’ like a cur.
Her carpin’ fails to faze me as I walk in through the door
with visions of a peaceful sea, Bikinied babes galore.
“Two bags of ice, if you please, and what’s the current price?”
“Sorry sir, but I’ve bad news. We’ve just run out of ice.”

I’m back again in Ocracoke, the land of goodsome folks
who look on summer lads like me as migratory jokes.
Dingbatters all, we try our best to mummock them the least,
but quamished looks reveal the fact, we’ve driven too far east.

I.Q. of Intelligent Design’s Creator Pegged at 78

2010-04-18T09:38:00.001-04:00

I.Q. of Intelligent Design’s Creator Pegged at 78

By Bill Britton

After a series of exhaustive tests, researchers at the U.S. Department of Education have found that the “higher being” responsible for Intelligent Design (ID) has an IQ of 78. This number falls within a range signifying “borderline deficiency in intelligence.” The release of the news sparked a number of protests around the country. John H. Calvert, Managing Director of the ID Network, claimed that the test was unfair: “How can a two-hour test be fair? It took God millions of years to design the human eye. How can He be expected to complete a 100-word quiz in two hours? I never said He was a Mensa candidate.”

Leading atheist Richard Dawkins disputed the findings. “I cannot attest to the validity of this, quote, ‘God,’ being the Big Banger himself, or herself, for that matter. I believe He should undergo rigorous scrutiny. For example, can He recite the Bible and Qur’an word-for-word? Where’s his laboratory? I think the whole thing’s a sham meant to equate His intelligence with the typical believer’s. Ask the folks stranded by volcanic ash if they think He’s so clever. Ask the people in Haiti, for that matter.”

Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that “it looks like God never had the benefit of the ‘No Child Left Behind’ program. Perhaps we can get Him some remedial help. First I’d have to check with Director Pete Orszag over at the Office of Management and Budget to see if we can come up with the necessary money. If not, we could always get a smaller White House Christmas tree this year and sign on a tutor funded with the savings.”

Coleman Tent to Tailor Suits for Limbaugh

2010-04-18T09:36:00.002-04:00

Coleman Tent to Tailor Suits for Limbaugh

By Bill Britton

The Coleman Company announced today that it has signed a contract with Rush Limbaugh to make the media personality’s garments. CEO Sam Solomon said that “Coleman is uniquely qualified to fabricate Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing. Our oversize equipment is designed to sew family-size tents. Why not clothing of similar dimensions? Our tent fabric can take any amount of abuse, from excessive perspiration to teeth-gnashing. We just need to test it to see if it can tolerate mouth foam.”

Recognizing Limbaugh’s special needs, Coleman is designing a suit with a pocket large enough to hold a 48-quart Coleman cooler. Stitched into the collar will be a back-up camera similar to those found in motor homes, which will allow him to maneuver in close quarters. Back-up warning beepers will be integrated as well, since his bulk makes this mandatory in most states.

“All of Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing will be sewn to the highest standards,” said Solomon, “and each item will be expandable by employing quick-release fabric looseners and through the extensive incorporation of NASA-grade elastics. Neckties large enough to accommodate Mr. Limbaugh’s 32-inch neck will be a challenge, but we expect to subcontract them to an area upholsterer.”

To offset the cost of the suits especially, Limbaugh is expected to sell advertizing space on his outer garments. Two companies in particular have shown interest and include Häagen-Dazs and Burger King. At a joint news conference, company representatives agreed that both have done for Limbaugh what they hope to do for America.

Palin Given Top Spot at ASHOL

2010-04-16T14:34:00.001-04:00

Palin Given Top Spot at ASHOL

By Bill Britton

Sarah Palin’s publicist, Rick Maver, announced today that Alaska’s former governor has been signed on as head of ASHOL (American Society of Hateful and Odious Loonies). Society headquarters are located in Clayton, Michigan, where a number of similar organizations are based, including Hutaree, whose members believe that the Antichrist is attempting to establish a "New World Order" and that all law enforcement officials are part of the conspiracy and must be killed.

Maver said that Palin “would be a great asset to ASHOL” and that she would “take on the commie Democrats and kick butt.” Earlier attempts to sign on Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) as chairperson failed because of her heavy schedule as Fox News’ unofficial Washington correspondent. Said Bachmann, “I have every confidence that Sarah will take charge of all the ASHOLs around the country and help flush liberal America down the toilet.”

Palin said that she will continue to work closely with the Tea Party movement: “There are a large number of Tea Party ASHOLs who would kinda’ like to see the two organizations merge. Together we can work to put the squeeze on the Democrats during the midterm elections and send them on down the tract, er, track.”

The ASHOL movement has a long history in the United States. Prominent ASHOLs include Republican National Committee chair Richard Steele, former history professor Newt Gingrich, and House Republican Leader John Boehner, who has fought long and hard to penetrate and destroy the liberal bloc. ASHOL t-shirts are available from SarahPAC for $17.76 plus S&H.

CNN: Tsunami Baloney

2010-02-28T09:25:00.001-05:00

CNN: Tsunami Baloney
By Bill Britton

Atlanta, GA (INS). CNN president Jonathan Klein expressed dismay at the disappointing results from Saturday’s tsunami. “We had news feeds set up from California to Pango Pango, wherever the heck that is, and what did we get? I’ve seen bigger ripples in my grandson’s wading pool.”

Klein has called a meeting of CNN’s top executives to discuss future tsunami marketing plans for its Disaster Division. “We thought we could do this with inside staff,” said Klein, “but Nancy Grace got so excited that her accent became incoherent. We would have been better off with Christiane Amanpour, despite her hair. And Sanjay was worn out from his Haiti stint.”

A confidential source at CNN said that attempts to lure David Shuster away from MSNBC failed. Shuster’s non-stop speaking style apparently impressed Klein and would have been a complementary offset to Larry King’s sometimes dithering reportage. Shuster is said to be recuperating at home and is no longer is connected to an oxygen tank.

The same source revealed that negotiations with Disney’s Pixar to assume the reins of CNN’s Disaster Division are nearing completion. Apparently, a Buzz Lightyear look-a-like is being considered with voiceovers provided by Dennis Haysbert, the spokesman for Allstate Insurance, whose sonorous intonations have staunched the flow of customers toward GEICO and its precious gecko.

Pixar has privately assured CNN that its latest animation technology will allow Lightyear’s character to be superimposed onto Haysbert’s face. Still to be decided is the flesh color, although Pantone shade number A1864F, a tan hue, is felt to be a satisfactory compromise between Haysbert and Lightyear’s skin tones.

PGA Presents Plan for Recycling Goose Droppings

2010-02-24T16:14:00.002-05:00

PGA Presents Plan for Recycling Goose Droppings

By Bill Britton

INS News — The PGA presented a plan today to offset the cost of cleaning up the Canada goose droppings that plague golf courses around the country. Speaking on behalf of its membership, PGA President M.G. Orender traced the history of the Canada goose and its effects on America’s number one pastime.

“The Canada goose is a non-native species,” Orender stated. “Their arrival in this country began with the expulsion of several Canadian newscasters from the repressive regime to the north. The Department of Homeland Security has assured me that our northern border will be fortified to prevent further intrusions by either species.” Canada geese can be recognized by their distinctive call, which sounds like a nasal “oot.” In a strange coincidence, Canadian broadcasters utter the same sound when they pronounce the word “out.”

The PGA plan calls for converting ice hockey’s Zambonis to collect the droppings, which will then be steamed to destroy harmful bacteria. The objective is to produce a palatable goose liver pâté substitute from the muck. Laboratory efforts have yielded a product that is similar to pâté in texture and taste. However, saturated fat levels are much lower.

To avoid confusion with pâté de foie gras, initial marketing will use the trade name, “Pâté de Pooh Gras.” Hormel Foods has agreed to process the first run of Pooh Gras. First-year revenue estimates are pegged at $30 to $50 million.

Hormel pooh-poohed the rumor that Tiger Woods would be its spokesperson, but French conglomerate Peugeot has expressed interest in licensing the name Pooh Gras as a brand enhancer for its fine line of automobiles. “The synergy between Peugeot and Pooh Gras is un gagnant,” joked chairman Pierre Peugeot as he left Hormel headquarters

Aggressive atheism - The Word from Pat Condell

2010-02-04T08:42:00.001-05:00

Aggressive atheism - 10 Translation(s) | dotSUB

Mississippi Schools to Ban Reading

2010-01-05T11:23:00.000-05:00

Mississippi Schools to Ban Reading

By Bill Britton

In an effort to delist Mississippi as the third-lowest ranking school in national test scores of reading ability, Governor Haley Barbour has decided to ban reading in public schools: “The people of the great state of Mississippi will no longer tolerate this form of humiliation being foisted upon them by the pointy-eared intellectual elite.” When reminded that the intellectual elite actually have pointy heads, he responded, “Not the ones I’ve seen. Just think of Spock in Star Trek.”

To reinforce the ban, Mississippi will institute a new program called DIM (Dumb in Mississippi), which is to replace the current All Children Left Underteached (ACLU) syllabus. This change is necessary because the American Civil Liberties Union brought suit in Federal Court in an effort to prohibit the use of the acronym ACLU by the state, claiming copyright infringement. L.T. Senter, Jr., Senior District Court Judge, ruled in favor of the ACLU, saying, “In the cote’s opinion, Mississippi ain’t got no claim to these four lettas. ‘ Sides, the cote believes they dumb asses betta off with DIM, which they is anyways.”

To counter Mississippi’s initiative, Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana has asked his legislature to adopt a new program called DULL (Dumb Under Louisiana Law). “This will enable us to continue our race to the bottom and mebbe beat out D.C. Without it, literacy rates will clahm, which will allow more voters to unnerstan’ what’s goin’ on in guv’ment.”

In Washington, Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that he has adopted a hands-off approach: “What difference would it make? What with global warming on top of the possibility of another Katrina, both states will become swamp buggy heaven in a few years. Then Mississippi and Louisiana can battle it out for the bottom spot in the Gulf of Mexico.”

How are things in Tora Bora?

2010-01-03T08:03:00.000-05:00

How are things in Tora Bora?

(Sung to the tune, “How Are Things in Glocca Morra?”)

By Bill Britton

How are things in Tora Bora?
Is that Saudi creep still sleeping there?
Does he miss his friends in Khanabad,
in Kabul town, or in sandy Kandahar?

How are things in Tora Bora?
Are the Daisy Cutters still dropping there?
Is his turban still pulled o'er his ears?
Is there a need each day
to change his underwear,
does he really care not to breathe fresh air?

So I ask the Special Forces
and Marines along the way,
and each goat that comes a-singin'
"Yea, yea, yea":
Is it time for O bin Laden's auto-de-fe?
Is it time for O bin Laden's auto-de-fe?

Walmart to Offer Terrorist Accessories

2010-01-01T15:05:00.000-05:00

Walmart to Offer Terrorist Accessories

By Bill Britton

Recognizing shifting U.S. demographics, Walmart’s 2010 product line will include useful accessories specifically designed to appeal to the terrorist segment. “This is an important customer group for us,” said Walmart spokesperson Shabaella Fou. “Plus it promises excellent long-term growth.”

The initial offering will be restricted to three products. “We want to see what’s most viable for the active terrorist. Focus group results have indicated that the items should be both practical and stylish.” Fou’s assistant Randy Heedless continued, “The products should exude a sense of mystery and intrigue, as well as appeal to all ethnicities, from IRA bombers to Chetznian rebels.”

Heading up the list of new products is “Bomb Thongs for Men®,” which come in Guantanamo Grey, Dynamite Red, and Crazy-Man Stripes. The thongs feature multiple pockets attached to the waistband, two of which are pre-wired for detonation devices. An equivalent for women, “Bomb Thongs for Gals®,” will be offered in the fall.

An ADA-approved walker, with a capacity of 2 pounds of plastic explosives or six sticks of dynamite, will be available for the older terrorist. The “Wanker-Walker®,” designed by I.M. Wanker, includes a detailed instruction book and a 3-ounce spray can of bat guano essence, which, when applied to underarms, will deter body searches by airport security personnel or border guards.

In Walmart’s effort to appeal to all age groups, an “Osama Squeeze-Me Doll®” in various skin tones will come to market for the 2010 Holiday season. A pressure-sensitive trigger is hidden in its chubby cheeks and wired to the explosives compartment. With a suggested retail price of $18.99 (batteries and explosives not included), Walmart executives expect the doll to exceed Barbie® sales by a factor of two.

All products are being offered with a money-back guarantee.

Chinese Drywall Linked to both Global Warming and Infertility

2009-12-18T17:35:00.000-05:00

Chinese Drywall Linked to both Global Warming and Infertility

By Bill Britton

Chinese drywall manufactured by Knauf Plasterboard in China and exported to the U.S. from 2001 to 2007 has been linked to both global warming and infertility. Earlier complaints included headaches and the corrosion of electrical wiring and plumbing pipes in homes.

As a practical joke, Knauf, from its headquarters in Germany, posted this statement on its website: “Constant improvement is a permanent objective of our company. The basic prerequisite for this is a strong quality management system.” Managing partner Nikolaus Knauf said that he “felt a lighter note was needed to ease homeowner stress.”

Regarding the global warming issue, Knauf believes this will help reduce overhead: “Now that the Arctic region has become ice-free in the warmer months, we’ll be able to reduce shipping mileage to the U.S. by as much as 10,000 nautical miles.”

In a more recent finding, Saprolegnia ferax, a pathogen, has been found in Chinese drywall. This pathogen leads to the “Ambrose Effect” and has been linked to infertility in amphibians. It was first identified by Otto Ambrose, a known Nazi chemist and director of the I.G. Farben Company, which supplied gasoline for Hitler's war effort.

Farben began producing S. ferax in large quantities with plans to release it during bombing attacks over regions harboring large Jewish populations—like New York’s Crown Heights—toward the end of World War II. Those plans were derailed once Hitler found out that his Minister of War Production, Albert Speer, had been producing imaginary Luftwaffe bombers for 18 months.

Suspicions are high that the Chinese government has similar plans for population control, ever since Chinese President Hu Jintao said to President Obama during his recent visit, “We Chinee have rearn many resson, rike how to eriminate poverty, but we can’t seem to rower Chinee ribido.”

Obama Accepts Peace Prize in Oslo

2009-12-10T17:31:00.000-05:00

Obama Accepts Peace Prize in Oslo

By Bill Britton

OSLO, NORWAY (December 10, 2009) — Today President Obama, our most prominent immigrant from Hawaii, accepted the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize amid some controversy. The Peace Prize is awarded each year to the world figure who can best hide his real intentions from the Nobel committee. The inventor of dynamite and creator of the awards, Alfred Nobel, would be especially pleased by this year’s selection.

The committee consists of five members—Thorbjørn Jagland, Kaci Kullmann Five, Sissel Marie Rønbeck, Inger-Marie Ytterhorn, and Ågot Valle—all of whom are, coincidentally, charter members of Oslo’s Dum Navnet Klubben (Silly Name Club). A delicious lunch was served by IKEA personnel under the watchful eye of founder Ingvar Kamprad, current president of Dum Navnet Klubben. Mr. Obama was asked by Kamprad to be an honorary member of the club.

After the ceremony, attendees were treated to a live demonstration by American mercenaries from Blackwater USA. Especially impressive was the shattering of a huge iceberg by a GBU-28 bunker buster. This was followed by a series of napalm strikes that crisscrossed a nearby fjord in the flag colors of the United States and Norway—red, white, and blue—to the accompaniment of Edvard Grieg’s “In the Hall of the Mountain King.”

During his acceptance speech, Mr. Obama said that the war in Iraq was “just a war,” but then corrected himself by saying it was “a just war.” He closed his speech with this call to action: “Let us reach for our guns when need be and ignite the passions of the crusader that still stirs within each of our souls.” Marwan Bishara, Al Jazeera's senior political analyst, responded by saying, “Holy Allah! Next thing they’ll be Knights Templar knocking on my mosque’s door.”

National Duct Tape Council Praises Bush

2009-11-13T07:27:00.000-05:00

National Duct Tape Council Praises Bush

By Bill Britton

The normally apolitical National Duct Tape Council has issued a statement in support of former President Bush’s call to invade Canada. Chairman Herb Rimple explained the council’s reasoning at a televised news conference held in Crawford, Texas: “We at the council believe that President Bush is showing the way to a more secure nation. Duct tape has long been known as the ‘handyman’s secret weapon.’ Now its importance is being kicked up a notch with the council’s fresh slogan, ‘Duct Tape—America’s New Defense.’”

Bush turned aside reporters’ questions regarding Rimple’s possible appointment as Republican National Chairperson to replace Michael Steele. “Mr. Rimple’s leadership in the demanding field of duct tape development certainly qualifies him to be head of this organization. However, Mike Steele has done much to allay concerns that the word ‘compassionate’ has been taken out of the word ‘conservative.’ The party’s luncheon for street people in Washington is testimony to this.” (All were given empty Frigidaire cartons personally initialed by the former president.)

As anticipated, the National Duct Tape Council will soon be merging with the United Drop Cloth Association. The natural synergy of this union has been boosted by the logic of encouraging Americans to seal off a “clean room” in their homes that would keep them safe in the event of a chemical or biological attack.

Chairman George W. Buckley of the 3M Company joined Rimple with a pledge to “ramp up production so that no American will go tapeless.” To symbolize their commitment, Rimple and Buckley met with Tom Silva of TV’s award-winning program, This Old House, and announced that Silva will host a special edition of the program to be called, “Taping the Lincoln Bedroom—The First Family’s Clean Room,” which will feature President Obama as “First Taper.”

The Real Reason Dobbs Dumped CNN

2009-11-12T11:13:00.000-05:00

The Real Reason Dobbs Dumped CNN

By Bill Britton

Atlanta — Lou Dobbs, mired in controversy because of his opinion-laden commentary, abruptly resigned from CNN. A spokesperson for the Hispanic community in Miami, Grito N. Altavoz, said, “Good riddance to that gringo maricón. He want to send my 29 cousins back to Cuba.”

Rumor has it that Dobbs will take up the reins at AARP (American Association of Recalcitrant Pundits), a subsidiary of Fox News. Dobbs has vowed to “reinvigorate what has historically been Fox’s mission: to throw objectivity to the winds and instill a sense of self-righteousness in dumb America, my America.” Dobbs plans to maintain those invectives he levels against illegal immigrants and has put forward a plan to deal with, as he calls it, the “chili menace.”

First, he would like to see the establishment of an internment camp in Brightmoor, the poorest neighborhood in Detroit. “Brightmoor is a natural,” said Dobbs. “Plenty of abandoned homes. From there, they can board ships, sail across Lake Erie to Buffalo, and, via the canal system, down to New York Harbor, where they can be sent to where they’re more welcome. Chile, for example, a ‘Chilis-to-Chile Program,’ so to speak.”

To replace the crop pickers and house cleaners lost to deportation, Dobbs envisions the creation of an agency similar to Roosevelt’s CCC (Civilian Conservation Corps) set up during the Great Depression. “What young man wouldn’t like to trade in his Nintendo for a pick and shovel and all that fresh air? What young woman wouldn’t want to work in the home of a Wall Street broker or bank executive, all dying to pay cash for a little on the side?—Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale with benefits. We could rechristen the CCC as the Civilian Conservative’s Corps, complete with brown shirts and hobnail boots.”

Anh Cao Drummed Out of Republican Party

2009-11-08T16:55:00.000-05:00

Anh Cao Drummed Out of Republican Party

by Bill Britton, November 8, 2009

Washington — Representative Anh Cao of Louisiana, the only Republican to vote in favor of the health-care measure passed last night by the lower house, was formally drummed out of the party on Sunday morning. The formal ceremony was led by House minority whip Eric Cantor (R–VA). Cantor’s whip is similar to those once used by first mates on the Royal Navy’s sailing ships and are commonly called “cat-o’-nine-tails.”

In attendance, and adding a pleasant note to the proceedings, was the American Nazi Party’s Drum-and-Bugle Corps, which played “Whip It,” written by Jerry Casale and Mark Mothersbaugh, better known as the singing duo, Devo. In the background, Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) could be heard chanting, “Kill the bill, kill the bill.” Bachmann has been shouting her mantra since Thursday when she organized a large protest on Capitol Hill.

Blue Dog Democrat Bill Foster of Illinois expressed concern that Bachmann might now be rabid. “She certainly was frothing at the mouth earlier. I’m afraid that she might associate my first name with the word 'bill' as it relates to health care. After all, she is known to bite.”

President Obama called on the Democratic caucus before the House vote and urged its members to vote for the bill. Apparently this strategy worked when coupled with the well-known fact that House majority whip, James Clyburn (D–SC), keeps a cat-o’-twelve-tails in his desk.

Key to passage of the bill was an amendment to prohibit federal funds from being used to pay for abortions. Representative Jack Kingston (R–GA) said, “Abortions are in violation of God’s law. That Great Satan, your president, has done his best to move abortions out of alleyways where they belong. I’ve dedicated my 17 years in Congress to keeping them there.”

Murdoch / O’Reilly Nuptials Set

2009-10-18T13:38:00.000-04:00

Murdoch / O’Reilly Nuptials Set

By Bill Britton

New York — following six months of rumor, media mogul Rupert Murdoch and Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly announced wedding plans during a joint news conference. “We’re a natural fit,” said Murdoch. “And for those of you who seem somewhat aghast at this, there have been stranger bedfellows. Look at Barney Frank and his, um, ‘spouse,’ Fannie Mae executive Herb Moses.”

This will be Murdoch’s fourth marriage. His current wife, Wendi Deng, a director for MySpace in China, was less sanguine: “If Rupert wants to switch from Szechuan dining to street hotdogs, that’s his business, as long as he makes good on our pre-nup agreement.”

O’Reilly said he was “. . . floating on cloud-nine. Ever since I began working at Fox, I could sense a chemistry between Murdy and me, something beyond the fact that we both drench ourselves with Old Spice Body Spray. And, just to prove the point that old dogs can learn new tricks, on our wedding night we plan to switch from the ‘Swagger’ fragrance to ‘After Hours.’”

In an admission that his coming out registered more than a hint of irony with his viewers, O’Reilly said, “Over the last few months, I’ve conducted a dialogue with my inner being and come to recognize the plight of the—quote—‘other’ in American society, the minorities that make this country great. I’d even go to the White House and break bread with that colored boy, our President, as long as he doesn’t serve collard greens and chittlins.”

In the rear of the conference room, Sean Hannity, O’Reilly’s rival at Fox News, was seen in tears. “I thought Bill-O only had eyes for me. But I knew we were through when he refused to share his cherry wine cooler last week. And to add insult to injury, Rosie O’Donnell wants her leathers back.”

All Nippon to Pinch Onboard Output

2009-10-16T15:22:00.000-04:00

All Nippon to Pinch Onboard Output

By Bill Britton

Japanese carrier All Nippon Airways (ANA) is asking passengers to relieve themselves before boarding its aircraft to reduce weight and thus lower fuel consumption. “A typical human bladder holds up to a liter of liquid and weighs 2.2 pounds,” said CEO Mineo Yamamoto. “Since a Boeing 777 holds 247 people, this would mean a weight savings of 550 pounds per flight and thus reduce carbon emissions by 4.2 tons per month, system-wide.”

ANA is in the process of installing advanced relief stations made by ARS, Ltd. at each of its boarding stations. A urine gauge will indicate the total weight savings for each flight. Those passengers refusing to comply will pay a 5-percent ticket surcharge. To further encourage participation, compliant passengers will be given a free bag of Pee-Nuts®, ANA’s way of saying, “Thank you.”

Part of ANA’s campaign to publicize this “green” initiative will include free samples of WaterDump®, a diuretic used to increase urinary output. Because liquid refreshments will no longer be offered on ANA flights of fewer than 6 hours, flight attendants will distribute mouth swabs similar to those used in hospitals. “We are also considering giving passengers a box of Altoids to ease their thirst,” said ANA PR head Damion Martin. ANA’s bathrooms will also be smartcard-operated in future, with a flush charge of 50 cents per 100 milliliters.

President Halten Siewasser of PAUL (Protesters Against Urinary Limits) plans to organize a boycott of ANA and offered this observation: “The danger is that ANA’s initiative might spill over into other modes of transportation. I believe a congressional investigation is in order, starting with Halliburton’s recent purchase of the Porta-Potti company. Besides, who’s going to pee a liter? A sumo wrestler?”

Minnesotan Unaware of Jackson Death

2009-09-01T16:38:00.000-04:00

Minnesotan Unaware of Jackson Death

By Bill Britton

Minneapolis, MN (INS) Bleiben Dunkel of Minnesota acknowledged today that he is unfamiliar with late entertainer, Michael Jackson. Contacted at his home in the remote village of Waskish, Dunkel said that his TV screen went blank on June 12. When told that he needed a converter box to receive the new digital TV signals, Dunkel said, “Gott im Himmel. Ist nasty Commie plot!

Dunkel drew national attention after being identified as the only person in America who was not tuned in to the Jackson funeral held at the Staples Center. News reader Wolf Blitzer of CNN encapsulated media astonishment by saying, “The greater question is whether Dunkel should be allowed to continue on this reckless path. Without the complete participation of the public, advertising dollars will suffer along with my income. I’ll no longer be able to afford $300 beard trims.” Jack Cafferty, as part of his Cafferty File segment, released a poll that indicated unanimous disapproval of Dunkel’s behavior.

Taken aboard a CNN van and shown a video from “Thriller,” Jackson’s hugely popular studio album, as well as film clips from the funeral, Dunkel shouted, “Holy scheisse, dot guy scares me like a rotten bratwurst. He ist a man, right? Bitte, bitte, stoppen die music! Und who is die blondie you show mit die almost black guy? Elizabeth Taylor? She’s been trinken too much Jagermeister.”

In Washington, Senator Roland Burris (D-IL) sponsored a bill to allow the FBI to investigate Dunkel’s un-American activity. “My brother Michael’s memory should not be sullied by some white honky’s indifference to the sensitivities of the black community,” he said. “After all, without the musicological direction taken by Michael, we’d still be listening to the likes of the Grateful Dead, a band that has less soul than dry wall.”

Bernanke Recommends Increasing Retirement Age to 108

2009-08-20T11:46:00.000-04:00

Bernanke Recommends Increasing Retirement Age to 108

by Bill Britton

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Wednesday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Congress should rein in future Social Security and Medicare costs by raising the retirement age to 108. The Fed chief's comments stirred political ripples, with Senator John Kerry (D-MA) saying he would favor sending members of Congress, who vote in favor of reduced benefits, to Guantanamo Bay’s terrorist resort where they could live out their Golden Years. Other Capitol Hill Democrats said the previous administration’s tax cuts were to blame, although they admitted to benefitting from them.

President Obama said he would safeguard those at or near retirement, in particular Vice President Biden, something that former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan suggested as well. Urging swift action on the spiraling budget deficit, forecast to hit a record $482 billion this year, Greenspan told the House of Representatives Budget Committee that spending restraints were the best way to meet future commitments, rather than raising taxes on millionaires and endangering their children’s inheritance: “The exact magnitude of said risk is very difficult to calculate, given the egregious duplicitousness of arbitrage compexities in the secondary market, but they are of enough alarm, in my judgment, to warrant closing the fiscal fissure primarily, if not wholly, by reducing benefits due the common Joe-the-Plumber, or Rosy-the-Riveter, or other marginally contributory fringe input to economic viability.”

In response to questions, Greenspan said failure to tackle looming budget shortfalls would push long-term interest rates higher—a potential constraint on the economy—and would jeopardize his personal fortune and thus annoy his wife, NBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell. He emphasized that “if Congress were to reduce social security benefits, it had better do so quickly to minimize the pain on voters near retirement. In this way, later retirees would have time to digest a smaller piece of the retirement pie as well as to cultivate a taste for Alpo.”

Obama warned of this looming budget crunch as tens of millions of baby boomers, born in the years after World War II, begin to qualify for early retirement benefits and look for ways to gas up their now-idle Hummers and SUVs. “This dramatic demographic change is certain to place enormous demands on our country's ability to maintain our national ethos of materialism unless action is taken,” he said. “For a variety of reasons, that action is better taken as soon as possible and should come out of the hides of the average Joe, or Rosy, or any other Fox News addict.”

Representative John Boehner (R-OH) said that “even with the so-called normal retirement age climbing to 80 or higher in the next two decades, the years people spend in retirement—sitting in web chairs, drinking six-packs of Bud, and dipping their Twinkies in guacamole—will increase, since Americans are living longer. In view of the upward ratcheting of government programs and the enormous uncertainty about the upper bounds of future demands for medical care, I believe that a thorough review of our commitment to allow old people to screw up their bodies is prudent in the long term.”

Republicans Tout Healthcare Plan

2009-08-14T09:01:00.000-04:00

Republicans Tout Healthcare Plan

by Bill Britton

House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio today announced his party’s plan for sweeping healthcare reform. “It’s a no-brainer,” said Boehner. “It takes the best parts found in the Democrats’ plan and weds them to ours. This will put to rest all those claims that Republicans cannot work with Democrats.” Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA) echoed similar sentiments when he said that “Grandmas around the country need not fear us pulling the plug on them. We’ll let them dribble away on life support for as long as it takes to get me reelected. This includes all the grandpas like me in the Senate who have been comatose for decades.”

The plan is national in scope, as demanded by Democrats, and calls for the elimination of all healthcare insurance coverage for households earning less than $250,000 per year, as favored by Republicans. Those making more than this ceiling will have the option of retaining their coverage and will receive a tax rebate of 150% of their premium costs to offset the obvious hardship. Members of Congress will continue to be covered by their government plan, and the limit on direct campaign contributions will be raised to $100,000 per donor to ensure that special interests like insurance companies are protected.

Those making less than $250,000 per year will have their medical needs attended to by the existing network of emergency rooms found in hospitals around the country. These facilities will be available to American citizens of Christian birth only. Funding for this care will come from reduced social security payments, which “ensures that the effect on the budget will be a zero-sum game, so to speak,” said Boehner. Illegal aliens and non-Christians will be cared for in an abandoned Ace Hardware store in northern Montana that has been converted to a clinic staffed by medical students from Grenada, a “vital ally in our war on terrorism,” as described by Senator John McCain (R-AZ).

When asked if Jewish doctors will be qualified to practice medicine in the emergency-room network, Boehner replied, “If these facilities cannot hire enough Indian or Pakistani MDs, of course they’ll be allowed to practice. After all, ID [Intelligent Design] has blessed them with the skills necessary to care for us goyim, as the Hebes like to say, although I think He should have paid more attention to the finer details. What’s with the foreskin anyway? Or with wisdom teeth?”

Palin to Become Rhodes Scholar

2009-07-06T12:40:00.000-04:00

Palin to Become Rhodes Scholar

by Bill Britton

In a surprising development, Sarah Palin’s decision to quit the governorship of Alaska has been tied to her acceptance of a Rhodes scholarship to Oxford University. The Right Honorable Lord Patten of Barnes, chancellor of Oxford, released a prepared statement in which he praised “Governor Palin’s broad knowledge of world affairs” and her “deep understanding of environmental issues.”

Professor Sally Shuttleworth, Dean of Humanities at Oxford, said that Palin has signed on to a rigorous schedule that will lead to a Ph.D. in General Linguistics and Comparative Philology. Asked about her decision not to pursue a course of study leading to a degree in law or politics, Palin said, “Heck, I don’t need to know any more about politics. I’m the new brand of politics. And law? There’s too much law in this country. Look how the law’s keeping oil money out of the pockets of folks who really need it.”

The governor elaborated on her degree choice, saying that “linguistics is something that will help me communicate with all those primitive folks in places like Russia, Brooklyn, and Mexico. Plus, maybe I’ll be able to understand those folks who writhe on the floor of my church, speaking in tongues. Darn it, that babbling is bad enough, but the snake handling gets on my nerves and is the reason I pack my Glock 9-millimeter every Sunday morning.”

In an interview late yesterday, a reporter asked Palin if it would be difficult to find time to study and still care for her family. “Doncha worry,” said Palin. “Todd, the First Dude, knows all about poopy diapers and math homework. I got him as well-trained as a sled dog. I yell ‘mush,’ and my little issorartuyok [lead dog] runs up to me dripping and whining.”

Argentina to Buy Section of Appalachian Trail

2009-07-02T08:50:00.000-04:00

Argentina to Buy Section of Appalachian Trail

By Bill Britton

To accommodate its country’s avid hikers, Argentina has offered to buy part of the Appalachian Trail. During a press conference at Government House in Buenos Aires, President Cristina Fernandez, who met last week with South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, said: “The benefits for both countries are tremendous. On the one hand, people like Governor Sanford won’t have to escape to Argentina to pursue their active lifestyle. On the other hand, Argentine hikers will have a lovely tool to satisfy their hiking needs.”

Maria Belen Chapur, Sanford’s frequent hiking companion, was equally enthusiastic: “The governor’s schedule is very demanding, and after a day of hiking with me, he’s exhausted. By having part of the Appalachian Trail under Argentine sovereignty, I can come and go as I please. Plus, the governor won’t have to use his frequent-flyer mileage or taxpayer money to pursue his favorite hobby.”

Said the governor’s wife, Jenny, “He can hike all day, if he wants. I haven’t hiked with him for years, and don’t intend to. He’s admitted to having a bevy of hiking companions, which is OK, as long as I don’t have to wash his dirty shorts.”

Final details are yet to be worked out, but since none of the trail lies in South Carolina, the section from Ball Mountain to Greasy Mountain in Georgia is a likely candidate. “I get into Georgia to hike as often as I can,” said Sanford. “Some of my fondest memories are of slogging through the bush near Ball.”

Shunning Salvation

2009-06-29T10:40:00.000-04:00

Shunning Salvation

by Bill Britton

In Abram's streets and alleyways
his sons preach conflagration,
as mothers of these selfsame sons
shout cheers of adoration.

Flocks of faithful line a square
in rabid admiration,
drawn by the lure of papal love
and papal accusation.

Radios in Southern towns
eruct their allocation
of Bible lore and cures for souls
through cash remuneration.

Mosque, synagogue, and church demand
unwavering affirmation
of tales and lessons clerics mold
to suit a congregation.

Their ills of mind and mortal flesh
are rendered adulation
apropos of God's mysteries
and willful approbation.

Suffer the little children, He says,
and suffer the humiliation
of original sin's ancient decrees
and eternal castigation.

Believers shun those who sense
the twisted conjuration
of gods who martyr innocents
while granting dispensation.

Still, the Godhead myth persists unchecked
by thoughtful contemplation,
and like a virus lingers on
in every generation.

Walmart Announces New 3-Tier Pricing Strategy

2009-06-23T09:41:00.000-04:00

Walmart Announces New 3-Tier Pricing Strategy
Strategy mimics earlier Sears’s effort

By Bill Britton

Lee Scott, Walmart President and CEO, unveiled an exciting new pricing strategy for its 6,100 stores around the world. Scott said his model is “based on a Sears strategy from years ago that segmented products into ‘Good,’ ‘Better,’ ‘Best’ categories.” To distinguish Walmart’s effort, their marketers have assigned these category names: “Shoddiest,” “Shoddier,” and “Shoddy.”

To further leverage Walmart’s position in the marketplace, the company will emphasize the “Shoddiest” category in its buying plans. “Walmart wants to be second to none in offering the lowest prices and poorest quality, always.” The word “Always” has become synonymous with the Walmart logo and is proudly displayed on its store fronts and trucks.

The Walmart announcement is apparently the cause of last week’s 400-plus-point drop in the U.S. stock market and the 9-percent drop in equities around the world. The managing director general of the Asian Development Bank, Rajat M. Nag, said that “the shift toward lower-priced merchandise at Walmart will certainly depress the long-term growth of the Chinese economy and at the same time rein in consumer spending in the U.S.”

U.S. Mint to China

2009-06-23T09:37:00.000-04:00

U.S. Mint to China

by Bill Britton

Washington, D.C. —This morning, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced that the U.S. Mint will be moved to the Wujiang Economic Development Zone in Jiangsu Province, China. The move had been expected because of the “exorbitant labor costs associated with its present locations in Denver and Philadelphia,” said Geithner. In honor of the move, a commemorative set of coins will be struck bearing the likenesses of Chinese president Hu Jintao on one side and a red panda (Ailurus fulgens fulgens), a native of southwest China, on the other.

To further reduce costs, Geithner said that, beginning January 2010, the current mix of metals used for coinage will be restricted to aluminum. “Aluminum will be much easier on the pockets and purses of Americans due to its lighter weight,” claims Edmund C. Moy, Director of the Mint. “Plus, we’ll be able to tap into the volume of beverage cans now littering the nation’s roadways for raw material.”

The Bureau of Engraving and Printing will remain in Washington, although several initiatives will reduce the cost of printing paper currency. Larry R. Felix, the bureau’s director, will phase out the printing of the “green” side of all bills. “The ink savings incurred will be substantial,” said Felix. “In addition, having a blank side will allow consumers to jot down shopping lists and other notes, although, sadly, the term ‘greenback’ will disappear from the English lexicon.”

As of January 2009, China held more than $700 billion in U.S. securities. “Having the U.S. Mint in China will facilitate the purchase of coinage,” asserted Geithner. “The People’s Bank of China has a branch office in Jiangsu, and we will be meeting with its representatives shortly at The Joy Luck Club in Nanjiing, along with Hong Kong actor Aaron Kwok, famous for his role in ‘After This Our Exile’ and now PR Director for People’s Bank.”

NCC Issues Fatwa against Maher

2009-06-23T09:33:00.000-04:00

NCC Issues Fatwa against Maher

By Bill Britton

The National Council of Churches (NCC: http://www.ncccusa.org) has issued a fatwa, in the form of a death sentence, against Bill Maher (http://billmaher.com) for his 2008 production of the film, “Religulous” (http://lionsgate.com/religulous). NCC president, Archbishop Vicken Aykazian, said in a news conference, held at Armenian Orthodox Church of America headquarters, that the unusual step “was necessary to hinder the movement of Americans away from religion and toward secularism.” The most famous recent fatwa was that issued by Ayatollah Khomeini in 1989 when the Muslim cleric pronounced a death sentence on Salman Rushdie (http://www.subir.com/rushdie.html), author of The Satanic Verses.

When asked if the NCC member congregations were altering their fundamental doctrinal tenets to align with Islam’s sacred text, the Qur'an, Archbishop Aykazian said, “Oh, yes. It’s our effort to become a more multicultural organization. What better way than to embrace a tactic from our Abrahamic brothers by ending the life of this spokesman for atheism while simultaneously reaching out to other apostates?”

Liz Robbins of the New York Times asked Aykazian if Maher’s hand might instead be severed as a symbolic act or if “he was, in fact, to be assassinated?” The archbishop responded that “The details haven’t been worked out” but that “the media would be given ample notice. We are also giving consideration to modifying the edict to a mere stoning, a tradition found in both Christian and Islamic histories.”

Maher’s reaction was swift: “My agent is in negotiation with the council. She’s suggesting waterboarding instead of either death or stoning. Even former Vice president Cheney feels that this would be the more humane approach. Either that or send me on holiday to Abu Ghraib.”

Mel Gibson Elevated to Cardinal

2009-06-23T09:30:00.000-04:00

Mel Gibson Elevated to Cardinal

by Bill Britton

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – At a special convocation of the College of Cardinals, Pope Benedict announced the elevation of Mel Gibson to the position of Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church. Although rumors had been circulating ever since the release of Gibson’s film, “The Passion of the Christ,” most of those close to the Pope had expected an announcement on Easter Sunday in April.

Dominican Father Augustine Di Noia, undersecretary of the doctrinal congregation, called the film the best scourging of flesh he had seen in a long time. “Those 12 minutes will live with me forever,” Di Noia said. “I went back to my apartment and immediately tried to recreate the scene before several of my peers. Before I knew it, we were all dressed in loincloths, heads rimmed with thorns, beating the hell out of each other. Thank God, we had just received a new cask of wine for the Eucharist. Eased the pain, you know.”

Percy Godot, Gibson’s agent, said that his client was not available for comment, having gone into seclusion for an indefinite period: “Mel needs time to take in his new-found sanctity. Plus he is being fitted for his new robes, a tasteful mélange of lily white with splashes of red.” Asked if it was true that now-Cardinal Gibson was planning a sequel to “The Passion,” Godot said that His Eminence was merely waiting Vatican approval of the film’s tentative title, “Son of the Passion of the Christ.”

Florida Strengthens Northern Border

2009-06-23T09:28:00.000-04:00

Florida Strengthens Northern Border

by Bill Britton

Because of the threatened influx of retiring baby boomers, Florida’s Governor Christ has decided to strengthen the state’s northern border with Alabama and Georgia. At present there are only ten entry checkpoints found at Interstates 75, 95, and 10 and seven other major highway border crossings. The original purpose of these checkpoints was to inspect tractor-trailer contents for agricultural products that might contain insect or disease pests.

“Now we have a more serious pest,” said Christ from his offices in Tallahassee. “The expected invasion of soon-to-be retirees will affect our ability to fund Medicaid over the long term. Plus, they represent a hazard to a driving public who must be on constant guard against their mindless turns and indecisive drifting from lane to lane.”

The governor’s plan includes tripling the number of checkpoints and building a 12-foot fence along the entire northern border, similar to that found on the U.S. border with Mexico. Funding for the project will be shared by the state and federal governments, with 80 percent coming from billions in federal stimulus money allocated to Florida. “Yes, schools will get less than originally intended,” said Christ, “but we must maintain our image as the Sunshine State rather than the Sunset State, as some pundits would describe it.” The other 20 percent will come from an excise tax placed on mobility scooters and incontinence pads.

Reaction was swift from several quarters. A. Barry Rand, CEO of AARP, fired off a scathing memo to Christ, which closed with these lines: “. . . and, who’s going to replace the residents of Florida’s trailer parks as their owners die off? My mother, who lives in La Palma Verde Grande, is frightened at the prospect of having no more neighbors in a few years. Who will she play Mahjong with?” Urto Fissatore, speaking for the Florida Association of Motor Vehicle Body Shops, was equally angry: “At least half the body shops in Florida will shut down. Seniors are our best customers, and they are repeat customers with Lincolns and Caddies.”

Christ emphasized that this is all perfectly legal, and to help in the transition, he has ordered five-million “Welcome” brochures from North Dakota’s Department of Economic Development. An equal number of roadmaps has been ordered as well to facilitate the emigration of retirees to that state. Said Christ, “North Dakota’s a great place for retirees. The cost of living is low, and there’s always a breeze, just like Florida.”

Cheney Sets New Record

2009-06-23T09:26:00.000-04:00

Cheney Sets New Record

By Bill Britton

In order to dispel the notion that enhanced interrogation methods like waterboarding are torture, former Vice President Dick Cheney recently subjected himself to this interrogation technique and, in the process, set a new world record. The old record of 183 times was set in March 2003 by Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the self-described planner of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. Cheney set a new standard of 200 times in only three weeks.

“Actually, it was quite enjoyable,” said Cheney. “The Bushes say it’s similar to part of the Skull and Bones Society initiation at Yale, where they pour Champagne Philipponnat through a split croissant fastened to the mouth with an almond glaze. Of course, I never joined, being somewhat busy chasing furburger while attending Yale.” When asked by a reporter if it was true that he had flunked out of Yale, Cheney scowled, “Executive privilege, you little wanker.”

The vice president certainly dressed the part. He came fully clad in shiny black leather shorts and laced bustier, which enhanced his physique. However, he did have some difficulty negotiating the stairway leading down to the interrogation room wearing five-inch, spiked heels. Only one newsman, Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, was allowed in the room with Cheney to verify the count. Screams of “Yes, yes, yes” could be heard echoing through a ventilation duct, reminding one reporter of the final chapter in James Joyce’s Ulysses.

When the ordeal was over, Cheney exited the interrogation room, his signature smirk having shifted from the left side of his mouth to the right, with strands of toweling stuck between his teeth. “Well, boys, I did it,” said Cheney. “Next week I’m going for the world record of stacked, naked bodies. I’ve already contacted the women’s 2008 roller derby champions, the Gotham Girls of New York City. Of course, I’ll be at the top of the heap.” O'Reilly was heard murmuring, "Can I come, can I come?" repeatedly.

Boehner Wins Pissing Contest

2009-06-23T09:21:00.000-04:00

Boehner Wins Pissing Contest

By Bill Britton

House Republican Leader, John (Man-Tan) Boehner (R-Ohio), came out on top in the Republican Party’s annual pissing contest. Dubbed “Pee for Democracy,” the contest has been waged every year since 1980 when Ronald Reagan outdistanced George H. W. Bush with a mark of 14 feet, 3 inches, a record that still stands. That win guaranteed Reagan’s victory in the subsequent presidential contest. The combined record of 32.75 points (distance plus volume) is held by Rush (Telatubby) Limbaugh. Point totals are determined by an arcane formula devised by former Federal Reserve Chairman, Alan Greenspan.

The contest, at Mitch O’Neill’s Pub in Syosset, NY, was held over a period of four days and coincided with the playing of the U.S. Open golf championship in nearby Bethpage. Because of rain delays at the Bethpage course, attendance at the golf classic suffered. In addition, Pee for Democracy’s organizers offered Bud Lite Draft, the contest’s sponsors, to spectators at 1960 prices—50¢ per pint, which further dampened Open attendance.

This year’s finalists included winner Boehner, perennial favorite Limbaugh (second), Bill O’Reilly of Fox (third), and author and conservative activist, Ann Coulter (fourth). Coulter’s participation was a first for women and reflected a desire of the Republican Party to be more inclusive. Like golf, the women’s pee-tee-off spot was circumscribed to offset the male penile advantages of adjustable elevation and tighter stream.

Disappointing was the performance of the early favorite, President George W. Bush, who barely reached the 3-foot hash mark. “I cain’t unnerstan it,” said Bush. “I been practicin’ for months and was spectacle. If we hadda skeet virgin of the contest, I woulda’ won hands down. Last week, ah was like a dead-eye dick, hittin’ them skitterin’ tumbleweed down at the Crawford ranch.”

Boehner was his usual, magnanimous self, offering O’Reilly a redo of a misdirected effort in the final round. “I saw that Bill was momentarily distracted by a picket shouting, ‘O’Reilly sucks fox - - - -*,’ so after a 30-minute delay and two pints of Bud, Bill recovered his composure and edged out Ann by a stroke, so to speak.”

Limbaugh was bitter: “I’m not used to dealing with a headwind and should have had a redo. I guess O’Reilly is the only one that gets fair and balanced treatment around here.” Contest head, Pat Buchanan, countered Limbaugh’s complaint by saying, “Rush should be more flexible, not so rigid. He should have listened to his handlers and reduced his angle of elevation.”

*Not on George Carlin’s forbidden words list.

Rush Limbaugh’s Genome Mapped

2009-06-14T14:20:00.001-04:00

Rush Limbaugh’s Genome Mapped

by Bill Britton

J. Craig Venter, founder of The Institute for Genomic Research, announced that Rush Limbaugh’s genome has been sequenced. In what Venter describes as an “atypical genome,” Limbaugh was shown to have only 11,000 genes, roughly one-third that of humans in general. “Surprisingly,” said Venter, “this is the same number found in the nematode, or roundworm, one species of which can be found in the gut of infected dogs.”

Venter would not comment on the significance of this finding, saying only that Limbaugh could represent a danger to higher animals should they ingest any tissue fragments that slough off his body. “Of particular concern are domestic animals, especially canines, that are known to lick bare skin,” said Venter. “You wouldn’t want Rover to have a Limbaugh growing in his gut. Nematodes do reproduce asexually rather than “bud” off new individuals, as do hydra. But a danger does exist. And remember, we have entered a vast unknown in the person of Limbaugh.” When asked if humans were at risk, Venter replied, “Very unlikely. After all, who would want to lick Rush Limbaugh?”

Except for his girth, Limbaugh appears to bear an uncanny resemblance to the typical human male. However, his tendency to bounce up and down when agitated is inconsistent with adult human behavior. America’s leading psychologist, Dr. Phil (drphil.com), offers up this explanation: “Without a doubt, Rush Limbaugh is missing genetic material present in higher animals. In particular, his amygdala, that region of the brain controlling behavior, is likely to be shortchanged. It would be unfair of me to compare his conduct with that of a territorial great ape, but the parallel is certainly there.”