Ann Romney's Mother's Day Gift
By Bill
Britton
Likely
Teapublican presidential candidate Mitt Romney revealed that he will be
purchasing a new clothes washer for wife Ann this week. “I think it’s the ideal
gift for a stay-at-home mom like Ann,” said Romney during a break from the
campaign trail. “Up until now, she’s been using a washboard and tub like most
LDS [Mormon] wives. But with me running for president, she didn’t have enough
time to do a proper job washing my skivvies, and with Mother’s Day coming up, I
thought I’d surprise her.”
Former
candidate Rick Santorum reacted immediately from his estate in Pennsylvania:
“Next thing you know, he’ll be getting Ann an electric stove. If I were
president, I’d reinstall a wood stove in the White House kitchen. What was good
enough for Martha Washington is good enough for my wife Karen. I’d call her in,
but she’s out back chopping wood for the smokehouse. She shot a deer last week
and ground it all up for sausage.”
When Romney
was asked if he was just trying to shore up his conservative credentials, his
response was quick: “You mainstream media guys are all the same. First you
start a rumor connecting me with the healthcare plan in Massachusetts, then you
accuse me of being pro-choice, when you know I said that just to get a few
votes. That has nothing to do with my core beliefs—if you get ill, you’re on
your own, and if you have an unwanted pregnancy, send the child to Santorum’s
or Bachmann’s house. I’ve got my hands full trying to keep the damn dog off the
roof of the car.”
In related
news, former candidate Newt Gingrich was arrested while attempting to steal
some okra from Michelle Obama’s kitchen garden. Said Gingrich, “I thought
they’d go with my cheesy grits. I didn’t know how good cheesy grits were until
Mitt mentioned them.”
